the most smug thing a person can do is to reject someone else's love. sure you may not be required to reciprocate some queer or hostile packaged love. but when it is genuine and you reject it, you just became the deepest hater.
and sure, you speak of grace, but u are not even interested in treating others with the same grace. is that God's grace to you, one that looks down upon people of a different creed in the non-essentials? or have you labelled them as lower than pariahs, lower than unbelievers?
when the Lord talked about anathema and the accursed through Paul, it is people who are actively out to undermine the power of Jesus' death on the cross via carrying out certain external acts of the Mosaic law. never did Paul suggest that anathema are people who have not had the same revelation of the Spirit as you, and are just holding fast to what they have learnt thus far (Phil 3:15).
your patience has run out, so you can do righteous anger? wow. the Lord is true righteousness, and truly more patient (2 Pet 3). receive more righteousness from the Lord there and learn to love.
labelling game ain't got no use in achieving the will of God and is definitely not an act of the righteous man. (well, it's a self-righteous man then)
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Friday, December 09, 2016
Tuesday, October 04, 2016
time to show some signs of disillusionment/delusion. i see that there's a mental health week. and recently some of my fb circle post a lot about mental health. (i appreciate all of these.) but till today i have not received a satisfactory response about what happens when a student staying in an NUS residence/hall is at high risk of committing suicide and the follow up actions to it. so far many ppl claim that go to CPS. now, i need to play some bad memories here. CPS has not proven to me that it is really so noble in handling mental health cases. they just wanna kick you out of your residence to prevent suicide. that happened to someone in my circle before. this person talked about his past depression and suicide and some genuinely concerned ppl reported this to the staff, who escalated the matter to CPS. but sadly, how CPS dealt with the situation was to try to remove him out of the college. after going to IMH, IMH doctors all certified him as fine. but CPS was not very keen to allow him back into the residence. it took a whole 2 months or so of ding dong before he could finally stay back in the residence.
if CPS is only keen to do risk-management and has no interest in integrating students with mental health issues into their communities, i think it is basically useless. scrap it and allow other lay people to deal with mental support might as well.
if CPS is only keen to do risk-management and has no interest in integrating students with mental health issues into their communities, i think it is basically useless. scrap it and allow other lay people to deal with mental support might as well.
Saturday, September 03, 2016
i always wonder whether i m a fucked up son or that my parents had some big parenting mistakes somewhere.
apparently i rmb my mother saying that knowing how to love parents is a given. i am going to question that. is that true?
in my opinion, when growing up, all i was taught was to... sadly, do all things for my own good. (honour God is part of that picture, NOT the over-arching framework.) sure, what happened? became ultra-competitive, trying to outshine my older brother in level of "happening"-ness; masturbated and watch porn like crazy, cos it actually improves my "creativity", whatever that logic meant at that time and improves productivity (or maybe cos there was a competition: who cld wank more times in a day? or produce more cum?); worked hard to get good results; tried real damn hard (but failed) to impress any girls. yea. i was taught to be a studious person, and work for my own future good. but wells. i don't know if u count the above good.
but thank God, He changed these things for good. i realized porn was enslaving, and now am in the process of unwinding the process; i hate myself for chasing knowledge without proper understanding of income inequalities and chasing grades for selfish purposes; i saw that all these can be done in the sight of God and glory be given to Him.
but funnily enuff there's a part of me that hasn't really changed. since secondary sch... i my worldviews started diverging from my parents'... they seemed to like me going overseas to study. and i find that stifling. in fact, i find that whatever they say is extremely stifling. they choke me. i feel that whatever they say are just expectation after expectation. and i hate living up to it. i find that to be able to live up to those expectations, i need to become a fake person just to do so. i hated those expectations. i can't even begin to explain how much i find these expectations unnecessary, unsettling and stifling. they cause me to rot and hate my existence.
but they never really understood. even till now, i kind of assume that it is their secret fetish to send me overseas to MIT or some other big school. maybe even Cambridge. but for what? does going there achieve God's will? yes, i'd consider going these places. for theology. for engineering? don't choke me. i will only go unless God clearly gives me an indication. i will never go there to fulfill another's dream. i know that going to these places, i can't even cope with the stress.
and oh yes. did i just forget to say that, nearly half a year ago, i was stressed till i wanted to commit suicide? probably i didn't mention that somewhere. but i do seriously think after analysis with counsellor, that part of the reason i wanted to commit suicide was simply because... it is getting hard to bear. the expectations from scholarship; the expectations from at home to produce results; and partly how i can face up to others from my social circle (although i hav resolved this by being honest and vulnerable about suicide).
and now they still "encourage" me to... MIT, or suicide? i m not sure honestly.
pls label me as weak, unfilial etc. pls go ahead to do so. and hate me. pls hate me. because, i hate these of myself as well. i hate every part of me which is ungodly.
but honestly... upon deeper analysis wif help of my counsellor and friends, do i love my parents? yes i do. in fact i try really hard to figure out how to love them.
but i find that they never really realize this. i try to come home in the hope that they will speak to me, all i see are people obsessed, or to be fair, enslaved to their work. they can't stop working. and i know it's tough. it's tough to do their job, managing at a considerably high level. it's difficult. but hello, shall we by the power of God, lean on His Spirit to be a slave to righteousness? slave to righteousness, in practising ur beloved quotation in Eph 6? children to honour parents; and also parents to teach (ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF GOD, NOT SELF-PREFERENCE) and also NOT TO PROVOKE THE CHILD TO ANGER? have you wondered about your own communication styles? maybe you have. but have you seriously put in days and weeks of it?
i put in those hours to think of how to communicate at home and show love and appreciation until i go crazy, and burnt out emotionally. and all u do is come back and blast me for having a girlfriend? seriously? yea. i know, getting a girlfriend won't make you proud. fair enough. but i find your grounds for objecting... they are based on the assumption that your son is a dumb ass, making irrational and rash decisions. mayb i m making a poor assumption here. and maybe yall aren't implying what i think you are implying.
but i felt as if, i am your son and all you think of me is, i m bound to make a poor decision and die and cost a bomb to bail out of scholarship. but hello. let's get the order of God's law clear. is the bond of parent and child closer, or is the bond of husband and wife closer? think carefully before you answer. you are a parent you'll love to choose the former. but the Bible loudly says, the latter is actually the more intimate relationship.
no form of emotional blackmail towards me can change the reality of God's Word on this matter. but i also have no solution as to properly communicate this to u. i say this and u say i am unfilial and dishonouring. but yet if i don't hold on to this, i just lied about God's Word.
anw may the God of peace reign. the gospel of peace also. we aren't changed by any form of emotionalism, rationalism, or even emotional blackmail. we can only be changed by God's renewing power.
you may want to label me all you want to. kick me out of the house, of the country. but the truth is i will still use God's strength to love you. i honestly have only junk within my soul; but thanks to God who quickens my dead old man, i am a new life in Christ. may the new man be awake than sleeping thanks to the old man. and may God's Spirit do this quickening work.
apparently i rmb my mother saying that knowing how to love parents is a given. i am going to question that. is that true?
in my opinion, when growing up, all i was taught was to... sadly, do all things for my own good. (honour God is part of that picture, NOT the over-arching framework.) sure, what happened? became ultra-competitive, trying to outshine my older brother in level of "happening"-ness; masturbated and watch porn like crazy, cos it actually improves my "creativity", whatever that logic meant at that time and improves productivity (or maybe cos there was a competition: who cld wank more times in a day? or produce more cum?); worked hard to get good results; tried real damn hard (but failed) to impress any girls. yea. i was taught to be a studious person, and work for my own future good. but wells. i don't know if u count the above good.
but thank God, He changed these things for good. i realized porn was enslaving, and now am in the process of unwinding the process; i hate myself for chasing knowledge without proper understanding of income inequalities and chasing grades for selfish purposes; i saw that all these can be done in the sight of God and glory be given to Him.
but funnily enuff there's a part of me that hasn't really changed. since secondary sch... i my worldviews started diverging from my parents'... they seemed to like me going overseas to study. and i find that stifling. in fact, i find that whatever they say is extremely stifling. they choke me. i feel that whatever they say are just expectation after expectation. and i hate living up to it. i find that to be able to live up to those expectations, i need to become a fake person just to do so. i hated those expectations. i can't even begin to explain how much i find these expectations unnecessary, unsettling and stifling. they cause me to rot and hate my existence.
but they never really understood. even till now, i kind of assume that it is their secret fetish to send me overseas to MIT or some other big school. maybe even Cambridge. but for what? does going there achieve God's will? yes, i'd consider going these places. for theology. for engineering? don't choke me. i will only go unless God clearly gives me an indication. i will never go there to fulfill another's dream. i know that going to these places, i can't even cope with the stress.
and oh yes. did i just forget to say that, nearly half a year ago, i was stressed till i wanted to commit suicide? probably i didn't mention that somewhere. but i do seriously think after analysis with counsellor, that part of the reason i wanted to commit suicide was simply because... it is getting hard to bear. the expectations from scholarship; the expectations from at home to produce results; and partly how i can face up to others from my social circle (although i hav resolved this by being honest and vulnerable about suicide).
and now they still "encourage" me to... MIT, or suicide? i m not sure honestly.
pls label me as weak, unfilial etc. pls go ahead to do so. and hate me. pls hate me. because, i hate these of myself as well. i hate every part of me which is ungodly.
but honestly... upon deeper analysis wif help of my counsellor and friends, do i love my parents? yes i do. in fact i try really hard to figure out how to love them.
but i find that they never really realize this. i try to come home in the hope that they will speak to me, all i see are people obsessed, or to be fair, enslaved to their work. they can't stop working. and i know it's tough. it's tough to do their job, managing at a considerably high level. it's difficult. but hello, shall we by the power of God, lean on His Spirit to be a slave to righteousness? slave to righteousness, in practising ur beloved quotation in Eph 6? children to honour parents; and also parents to teach (ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF GOD, NOT SELF-PREFERENCE) and also NOT TO PROVOKE THE CHILD TO ANGER? have you wondered about your own communication styles? maybe you have. but have you seriously put in days and weeks of it?
i put in those hours to think of how to communicate at home and show love and appreciation until i go crazy, and burnt out emotionally. and all u do is come back and blast me for having a girlfriend? seriously? yea. i know, getting a girlfriend won't make you proud. fair enough. but i find your grounds for objecting... they are based on the assumption that your son is a dumb ass, making irrational and rash decisions. mayb i m making a poor assumption here. and maybe yall aren't implying what i think you are implying.
but i felt as if, i am your son and all you think of me is, i m bound to make a poor decision and die and cost a bomb to bail out of scholarship. but hello. let's get the order of God's law clear. is the bond of parent and child closer, or is the bond of husband and wife closer? think carefully before you answer. you are a parent you'll love to choose the former. but the Bible loudly says, the latter is actually the more intimate relationship.
no form of emotional blackmail towards me can change the reality of God's Word on this matter. but i also have no solution as to properly communicate this to u. i say this and u say i am unfilial and dishonouring. but yet if i don't hold on to this, i just lied about God's Word.
anw may the God of peace reign. the gospel of peace also. we aren't changed by any form of emotionalism, rationalism, or even emotional blackmail. we can only be changed by God's renewing power.
you may want to label me all you want to. kick me out of the house, of the country. but the truth is i will still use God's strength to love you. i honestly have only junk within my soul; but thanks to God who quickens my dead old man, i am a new life in Christ. may the new man be awake than sleeping thanks to the old man. and may God's Spirit do this quickening work.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
i need a space to live out my convictions.
i don't believe that i should work overseas. i want to work in SG eventually.
next, have my post-grad options been too driven by what others say? so at the end of the day let's do a quick analysis: the only thing binding me is the AUS, which binds me to study a PhD, anywhere. anywhere of my choice.
must i go overseas? no. so let's be clear. what voices speak to say go overseas?
family - they say that it is "better to develop overseas", better opportunities, less realities. they say that it'd be less stressful etc. they say that there'd be better job opportunities once i have gone overseas. haha... is that right? have we been too money minded here?
staying here... what are serious cons? staying here gets me access into the market here. means the research scene, conferences etc that are held here. not a bad thing in itself. but problem being a lot of perception issues. not many profs are purely SG bred... and many current workers are not from SG.
but are we being too led by perceptions and opinions? i am not here to live for ppl to assume something about me.
i dun think i shld live to satisfy and satiate ppl's whims and wants. they may think that it is a wise choice for me, but they gotta be honest with themselves. is it their whims? or is it truly my calling? we have to be real serious here.
i don't believe that i should work overseas. i want to work in SG eventually.
next, have my post-grad options been too driven by what others say? so at the end of the day let's do a quick analysis: the only thing binding me is the AUS, which binds me to study a PhD, anywhere. anywhere of my choice.
must i go overseas? no. so let's be clear. what voices speak to say go overseas?
family - they say that it is "better to develop overseas", better opportunities, less realities. they say that it'd be less stressful etc. they say that there'd be better job opportunities once i have gone overseas. haha... is that right? have we been too money minded here?
staying here... what are serious cons? staying here gets me access into the market here. means the research scene, conferences etc that are held here. not a bad thing in itself. but problem being a lot of perception issues. not many profs are purely SG bred... and many current workers are not from SG.
but are we being too led by perceptions and opinions? i am not here to live for ppl to assume something about me.
i dun think i shld live to satisfy and satiate ppl's whims and wants. they may think that it is a wise choice for me, but they gotta be honest with themselves. is it their whims? or is it truly my calling? we have to be real serious here.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
if loving means letting you go, den Lord, help me to surrender to this truth.
God i pray that you will let us be together. but Your will is more important. obedience to her parents is more important than us. Your will is greater and higher. Your established commandments shall be done at the expense of my preference.
o God help me accept this situation. and forgive me for all that sin, all that lust.
be merciful to me...
God i pray that you will let us be together. but Your will is more important. obedience to her parents is more important than us. Your will is greater and higher. Your established commandments shall be done at the expense of my preference.
o God help me accept this situation. and forgive me for all that sin, all that lust.
be merciful to me...
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Saturday, May 21, 2016
why must it be that only when shit hit the fan then all these important things are spoken?
but yet at the same time the same question. u do all these things. i know they are out of ur love and concern. but why are they so pre-meditated? they are supposed to b your expressions of love. but why in the end they are met with negativity? pls. think about it.
stop just playing the game of ought-ness.
look at the relational aspect. u say u look forward to my presence. u think i don't know? i know it. but u know it's tough. why isit that i don't look forward to it? instead i force myself to make it a point to b back home. and instead it is met with expectation than anticipation. u are excited for me to be back but it is not communicated. i don't know what to say.
u say it's very hurting. and i know as well. but how do i say things? the truth is u know i make so much conscious effort to reverse all the negativity. but why did they build up in the first place?
i said a lot of times we are not engaging one another. we are not engaging in the thoughts and emotions. instead we are just imposing our preferences on one another. do u not see the problem? u are not engaging in the thoughts. u are still dumping ur insecurity and wants on me. when u go for a trip or go to restaurant, it is upon the pretext of making me happy. but do i really want that? do i want spending of big bucks on things that don't matter to me?
things that actually mattered... somehow were never in your purview. u like my company i know it. but why does it feel like u were never keen on what i bothered? u may not hav time for all of us it's fine. but never showed explicit interest. u know i m trying to reverse all these imagined attitudes. but it's hard when all i see is that you start to talk about studies. and u don't acknowledge it. u don't acknowledge the tension here.
i said many times it's not about the task. it's relational problems here. who can't work? but i m at a state that i have zero motivation of working. i mean, why work? for what?
i don't know why all ur focus seem to be on me working. i really hate it. and u are not even understanding it. you are not acknowledging it. u say you are. but here's the problem. ARE YOU COMMUNICATING? i can hear it but i can't listen. i hate this lie about persevering on. what comes out of this perseverance? all failure. it's just failure. it may not be true. but it's so systematically built into me.
THERE'S NO COMMS. no comms at all. why do u keep focusing on the tasks???? it's not the tasks now. i have no mood. no matter how exciting the task is now, it's tough you know. it's tough to operate on such a mental state. i feel like as if i m going on a PhD just to fulfill your inner happiness. that sounds wrong all of a sudden.
more importantly.
why is it that now i m always making an effort then i can know? why don't u do it obviously? i hav no idea. why is it that as i say, all these things i know on hindsight? i know all your bringing me on trip and making good food is for me. but i find it weird. why can't we just lead a normal life?
honestly i m not stressed by work you know, no matter how much u tink i m. in fact at this time i don't even know how to articulate the problem any more. u say u don't want me to get into big school. u just want me to do what God wants me to do. i don't know. the truth is previous times all the junk u said comes into play. pls last time u were telling me try for them. TRY FOR THEM. these words echo around my brain u know. they are imprisoning me. it's something that i don't want because i know these places are cauldron. but u still hope that i can. what are u hoping for? i tink the issue is we are not spending the time to align our hopes.
u say go for holiday. sure i go for holiday with u. in the end what? it's all about making urself happy. hav u wondered, why are we not? because we are bored? because we are disengaged? honestly a mixture of both. i tink i m very disengaged. those things aren't my preferences. nowadays i don't even know where i want to go. when i was younger i'd rather just go run around. nowadays? i don't know. mayb enjoy the nite in the city and sit in a 24h cafe and rot.
but to u that's not holiday.
-----------
u see. there's so much misalignment. and u never bothered to align. u just want to do the stuff that u think is loving me. ah here maybe we are getting somewhere. u keep doing the stuff which u assume is loving me, but it is not being registered in my head as love. it is being registered in my head as u wanna do what u wan to do.
and that's y i feel like as if i m making an effort to let u love me. u tell me u love me thru these actions. now u listen to me. i m allowing myself to b loved by u. seriously. i m doing that u know? it is tough. but as a son to love u i m doing that. u know how tough it is? to consciously tell myself, ok my mum is being nice here let's do something that is totally not me to let her love and it is better that way?
u know how tough it is? and then when i go home, bunch of ppl watching TV. bunch of ppl who are not interested in my worldview. bunch of ppl who say my worldview is wrong and pathetic.
that's how i feel u know. YET I STILL COME HOME. when this is how i feel.
---------
mayb it's just all a systematic lack of communication over the years
mayb it's true that we are not listening to one another.
or that i m listening but there's no chance for me to speak. and that when i speak u don't hear.
ppl talking w/o speaking, ppl hearing w/o listening
maybe we just need more healing and stop expecting of each other.
but yet at the same time the same question. u do all these things. i know they are out of ur love and concern. but why are they so pre-meditated? they are supposed to b your expressions of love. but why in the end they are met with negativity? pls. think about it.
stop just playing the game of ought-ness.
look at the relational aspect. u say u look forward to my presence. u think i don't know? i know it. but u know it's tough. why isit that i don't look forward to it? instead i force myself to make it a point to b back home. and instead it is met with expectation than anticipation. u are excited for me to be back but it is not communicated. i don't know what to say.
u say it's very hurting. and i know as well. but how do i say things? the truth is u know i make so much conscious effort to reverse all the negativity. but why did they build up in the first place?
i said a lot of times we are not engaging one another. we are not engaging in the thoughts and emotions. instead we are just imposing our preferences on one another. do u not see the problem? u are not engaging in the thoughts. u are still dumping ur insecurity and wants on me. when u go for a trip or go to restaurant, it is upon the pretext of making me happy. but do i really want that? do i want spending of big bucks on things that don't matter to me?
things that actually mattered... somehow were never in your purview. u like my company i know it. but why does it feel like u were never keen on what i bothered? u may not hav time for all of us it's fine. but never showed explicit interest. u know i m trying to reverse all these imagined attitudes. but it's hard when all i see is that you start to talk about studies. and u don't acknowledge it. u don't acknowledge the tension here.
i said many times it's not about the task. it's relational problems here. who can't work? but i m at a state that i have zero motivation of working. i mean, why work? for what?
i don't know why all ur focus seem to be on me working. i really hate it. and u are not even understanding it. you are not acknowledging it. u say you are. but here's the problem. ARE YOU COMMUNICATING? i can hear it but i can't listen. i hate this lie about persevering on. what comes out of this perseverance? all failure. it's just failure. it may not be true. but it's so systematically built into me.
THERE'S NO COMMS. no comms at all. why do u keep focusing on the tasks???? it's not the tasks now. i have no mood. no matter how exciting the task is now, it's tough you know. it's tough to operate on such a mental state. i feel like as if i m going on a PhD just to fulfill your inner happiness. that sounds wrong all of a sudden.
more importantly.
why is it that now i m always making an effort then i can know? why don't u do it obviously? i hav no idea. why is it that as i say, all these things i know on hindsight? i know all your bringing me on trip and making good food is for me. but i find it weird. why can't we just lead a normal life?
honestly i m not stressed by work you know, no matter how much u tink i m. in fact at this time i don't even know how to articulate the problem any more. u say u don't want me to get into big school. u just want me to do what God wants me to do. i don't know. the truth is previous times all the junk u said comes into play. pls last time u were telling me try for them. TRY FOR THEM. these words echo around my brain u know. they are imprisoning me. it's something that i don't want because i know these places are cauldron. but u still hope that i can. what are u hoping for? i tink the issue is we are not spending the time to align our hopes.
u say go for holiday. sure i go for holiday with u. in the end what? it's all about making urself happy. hav u wondered, why are we not? because we are bored? because we are disengaged? honestly a mixture of both. i tink i m very disengaged. those things aren't my preferences. nowadays i don't even know where i want to go. when i was younger i'd rather just go run around. nowadays? i don't know. mayb enjoy the nite in the city and sit in a 24h cafe and rot.
but to u that's not holiday.
-----------
u see. there's so much misalignment. and u never bothered to align. u just want to do the stuff that u think is loving me. ah here maybe we are getting somewhere. u keep doing the stuff which u assume is loving me, but it is not being registered in my head as love. it is being registered in my head as u wanna do what u wan to do.
and that's y i feel like as if i m making an effort to let u love me. u tell me u love me thru these actions. now u listen to me. i m allowing myself to b loved by u. seriously. i m doing that u know? it is tough. but as a son to love u i m doing that. u know how tough it is? to consciously tell myself, ok my mum is being nice here let's do something that is totally not me to let her love and it is better that way?
u know how tough it is? and then when i go home, bunch of ppl watching TV. bunch of ppl who are not interested in my worldview. bunch of ppl who say my worldview is wrong and pathetic.
that's how i feel u know. YET I STILL COME HOME. when this is how i feel.
---------
mayb it's just all a systematic lack of communication over the years
mayb it's true that we are not listening to one another.
or that i m listening but there's no chance for me to speak. and that when i speak u don't hear.
ppl talking w/o speaking, ppl hearing w/o listening
maybe we just need more healing and stop expecting of each other.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
你永远不懂我伤悲，像白天不懂夜的黑。
i m like in a valley or a plateau, whichever it is. basically an echo-less place. i m asking for directions and help, and all i get pointed to is the prison in my mind.
i want to b out of this prison. i was a lot more free before this. what caused my downfall?
isit a lack of girlfriend? really? is it that simple? i tink it isn't that simple. over time i hav come to accept and realize and prefer that this is God's timing.
but the bigger challenge has come to hit my butt. after 3 years of not studying in the right manner and just prepping for tests... my smartness has reached the limit. i cannot cheat the system anymore. i can't be investing in bowling and Bible while being able to perform in the exam and assignment.
what the fuck?
and when these happen, i try to remedy the situation by... fucking presenteeism. i m in front of the com, all i can do is not work. i m just doubting my ability to produce and perform and understand content at a reasonable level. and in the end i waste time scaring myself and doubting. end up.. study nothing, do nothing, worry about everything...
and i m in this state now, once in a while i just feel like disappearing from the world. sometimes it's by ending my life, sometimes it's by disappearing and attracting excess attention for a moment. no one's listening.
or mayb it's just the ppl who matter who need to listen, and they aren't. instead i believe that they are just dumping their expectation on me, and not bothering to bother about my worries. interestingly, mayb it's just my mother only or sth. she isn't listening. she is just rationalizing everything away, assuming i m turning a bit mad cos i m young. but fuck. pls. can u fucking listen? can you fucking listen? i m not that science nerd u think of the whole day. i used to like math and science. but honestly, because it is easy. it was fucking easy to me. i don't think i like it cos i like it. they don't turn me on. honestly look at what i read after school and lessons. newspaper is a minimum. sports mayb. but another thing that interest me are all those weird discussion. societal problems; feminism; theological debates; morality debates; philosophical discussion; econ cynicism; rise and fall of capitalism etc. i don't know.
can u fucking stop pretending that i love science experiments? i think that's a serious problem. u assume i do and u can't accept that i have changed after few years in sch and my interactions. all u wanted to do from young is to control who i interact wif.
but i m sorry. who i met? cvcf staff worker; cvcf friends; fellowship friends. and all these ppl, it's not that they hate sci expt. is that we value something else more. which is God, and people. PEOPLE and GOD. not fucking material and physical shit. these things are your fucking comfort zone. u can't get out of it, because u are running from something... u are worried of handling the human portion is it? that's why u box up ur son in that scientific mindset?
mayb i shld stop being so cynical and imagining things. but that's true. i feel that she isn't listening. she has boxed me up. and she's doing nothing to help the situation.
luckily there are others who are listening, and are speaking life, instead of binding me via expectation and "preaching their own version of the law" and instead telling me to live by the Spirit. there's a difference between trying my best and working my ass off by my own strength, and working hard under the framework of living by the Spirit.
and mind u, honestly, the reason why i come home, is to live by the Spirit. if i don't love God i won't even come home. God tells me to honour my father and mother no matter how crappy they are. and honestly on surface they can be crappy emotionally. but i tell myself to practice Phil 4:8. it's not a reflex thing. it is a conscious 3 second later control mechanism, not the reflexive thing, no matter how sad u think i m. the truth is to live by the Spirit i always tell myself u have made whatever whatever physical prep for me to be back.
BUT I WLD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE, HONESTLY, U THINK THAT IS LOVE? ok b fair to u, that's ur version of love. fine. but i tell u that isn't what i "need". i don't know how to say it. it's not that i don't appreciate. it is that... whenever i m back... all i see is ppl watching TV and no one bothering about me. fucking sad u know.
all u do is work and expect that i come back and love u. u think i m robot? pls.
and all u speak in, is a language that is unenlightened. u speak through ur insecurity. u don't speak of the Spirit.
i have no wiser way to say something anymore. mayb u can rationalize away this as some temporal angst. but i tell u ever since april it is bursting out already. ever since that time u insinuate i m wasting my time away when actually i m suffering serious presenteeism, sitting at the com and worrying. and u are not even worried! instead u say why m i so dumb? i m suffering a serious mental problem and u not doing a shit to alleviate the situation.
o God, open our eyes and forgive our sins. teach us to speak words stemming from Your love than to shoot crap out of our weakness. let us speak words of life, words of the gospel, words of Your power to change one another. forgive us where we spoke of our weakness and limited understanding. teach us to speak out of faith and Your grace too.
i m like in a valley or a plateau, whichever it is. basically an echo-less place. i m asking for directions and help, and all i get pointed to is the prison in my mind.
i want to b out of this prison. i was a lot more free before this. what caused my downfall?
isit a lack of girlfriend? really? is it that simple? i tink it isn't that simple. over time i hav come to accept and realize and prefer that this is God's timing.
but the bigger challenge has come to hit my butt. after 3 years of not studying in the right manner and just prepping for tests... my smartness has reached the limit. i cannot cheat the system anymore. i can't be investing in bowling and Bible while being able to perform in the exam and assignment.
what the fuck?
and when these happen, i try to remedy the situation by... fucking presenteeism. i m in front of the com, all i can do is not work. i m just doubting my ability to produce and perform and understand content at a reasonable level. and in the end i waste time scaring myself and doubting. end up.. study nothing, do nothing, worry about everything...
and i m in this state now, once in a while i just feel like disappearing from the world. sometimes it's by ending my life, sometimes it's by disappearing and attracting excess attention for a moment. no one's listening.
or mayb it's just the ppl who matter who need to listen, and they aren't. instead i believe that they are just dumping their expectation on me, and not bothering to bother about my worries. interestingly, mayb it's just my mother only or sth. she isn't listening. she is just rationalizing everything away, assuming i m turning a bit mad cos i m young. but fuck. pls. can u fucking listen? can you fucking listen? i m not that science nerd u think of the whole day. i used to like math and science. but honestly, because it is easy. it was fucking easy to me. i don't think i like it cos i like it. they don't turn me on. honestly look at what i read after school and lessons. newspaper is a minimum. sports mayb. but another thing that interest me are all those weird discussion. societal problems; feminism; theological debates; morality debates; philosophical discussion; econ cynicism; rise and fall of capitalism etc. i don't know.
can u fucking stop pretending that i love science experiments? i think that's a serious problem. u assume i do and u can't accept that i have changed after few years in sch and my interactions. all u wanted to do from young is to control who i interact wif.
but i m sorry. who i met? cvcf staff worker; cvcf friends; fellowship friends. and all these ppl, it's not that they hate sci expt. is that we value something else more. which is God, and people. PEOPLE and GOD. not fucking material and physical shit. these things are your fucking comfort zone. u can't get out of it, because u are running from something... u are worried of handling the human portion is it? that's why u box up ur son in that scientific mindset?
mayb i shld stop being so cynical and imagining things. but that's true. i feel that she isn't listening. she has boxed me up. and she's doing nothing to help the situation.
luckily there are others who are listening, and are speaking life, instead of binding me via expectation and "preaching their own version of the law" and instead telling me to live by the Spirit. there's a difference between trying my best and working my ass off by my own strength, and working hard under the framework of living by the Spirit.
and mind u, honestly, the reason why i come home, is to live by the Spirit. if i don't love God i won't even come home. God tells me to honour my father and mother no matter how crappy they are. and honestly on surface they can be crappy emotionally. but i tell myself to practice Phil 4:8. it's not a reflex thing. it is a conscious 3 second later control mechanism, not the reflexive thing, no matter how sad u think i m. the truth is to live by the Spirit i always tell myself u have made whatever whatever physical prep for me to be back.
BUT I WLD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE, HONESTLY, U THINK THAT IS LOVE? ok b fair to u, that's ur version of love. fine. but i tell u that isn't what i "need". i don't know how to say it. it's not that i don't appreciate. it is that... whenever i m back... all i see is ppl watching TV and no one bothering about me. fucking sad u know.
all u do is work and expect that i come back and love u. u think i m robot? pls.
and all u speak in, is a language that is unenlightened. u speak through ur insecurity. u don't speak of the Spirit.
i have no wiser way to say something anymore. mayb u can rationalize away this as some temporal angst. but i tell u ever since april it is bursting out already. ever since that time u insinuate i m wasting my time away when actually i m suffering serious presenteeism, sitting at the com and worrying. and u are not even worried! instead u say why m i so dumb? i m suffering a serious mental problem and u not doing a shit to alleviate the situation.
o God, open our eyes and forgive our sins. teach us to speak words stemming from Your love than to shoot crap out of our weakness. let us speak words of life, words of the gospel, words of Your power to change one another. forgive us where we spoke of our weakness and limited understanding. teach us to speak out of faith and Your grace too.
Friday, May 06, 2016
不知为何有种怪怪的感觉。
everyone's hi and bye-ing, and i just feel like as if, did i miss something in these few years staying in a residential college community?
i don't really know why my better friends are probably the fellows and master and not the fellow students. why is there this weird rift?
maybe because i did not find the place that really engaged me at a deep level, intellectually or spiritually. or was it that i was lording over people for the longest time and never really took time off to intentionally connect. i don't really know. but the amalgamation of issues make me feel a little, idk. messy?
everyone's hi and bye-ing, and i just feel like as if, did i miss something in these few years staying in a residential college community?
i don't really know why my better friends are probably the fellows and master and not the fellow students. why is there this weird rift?
maybe because i did not find the place that really engaged me at a deep level, intellectually or spiritually. or was it that i was lording over people for the longest time and never really took time off to intentionally connect. i don't really know. but the amalgamation of issues make me feel a little, idk. messy?
Friday, April 29, 2016
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
"Yet, the pressure put on the grapes is turning them to sweet wine. Likewise, if I yield to the work of the Holy Spirit in these daily pressures I’ll progressively find myself producing good fruit."
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-daily-work-of-the-spirit
may Jesus deliver me and the Spirit be with me in this time of extended mental and emotional turmoil. just too hard for a fallen man like me to deal with.
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-daily-work-of-the-spirit
may Jesus deliver me and the Spirit be with me in this time of extended mental and emotional turmoil. just too hard for a fallen man like me to deal with.
there are just too many ancient scars that are not properly healed over time.
theoretically i know, let me forgive. but when the triggers happen... they cannot be avoided. i start to subconsciously hear what happened in the past. all that passive-aggressive attitude. all that lack of empathy. all that lack of understanding. all that disinterest in my life.
i guess all children grow up, and when we grow up we see the lack in our parents. it's not really their fault. but those mistakes leave an indelible mark in our souls. it's rather serious in my case.
take the recent example, when all was going wrong, and my mother starts to decide to bring up every single wrong-doing and give no encouragement. zero. there was none. but she does not engage with it and spend effort to understand the situation. all she wanted to do was to prove that i was wrong. proving her supremacy was more important than a hurting child. tough to realize that at the end of the day this is who my mother is. repeating the stories of the gov't instead of learning to love her child.
what is love? to her, it seems to be cooking a great meal when i m back home from army and sch; bringing me for big dinner during birthday; bringing me on a holiday trip as far as possible.
but could she identify a problem? that why is her son sick of all these? the truth is, i find it sickening. these are not displays of love in my opinion. i get it that she may assume that those are displays of her love. but in truth, i can't "feel" it. i can't "sense" it. they are like... not even symbolic. she isn't spending time to understand what i need.
i m really sick of all these big things because they are so... meaningless. they are like voids. even when we go on these we don't talk. nothing is done. all those holiday trips were more like fulfilling the whims and wants of my father and/or my mother. they weren't about us. nothing is being communicated for that matter. i m not being communicated with. my life is just, whatever they expect it to be. when i fall short of that expectation, all sorts of passive aggressive and passive resentment and/or resignation are displayed.
is this how u wld like a son to be?
who are my better friends? those that don't challenge my view offensively. those who sit down to listen to me and probe my understanding when needed. even when they probe there isn't any big opposition. those whom i call and i know they will listen.
instead what does my parents do? my father is naturally distant. i won't call him unless i m dying. my mother, nowadays i can't call her anymore. she isn't understanding. she isn't sitting down to listen to my problems. she is here to dump more responsibility and burden on my head. she claims that she isn't and family is the only place where unconditional help arrives. are u sure?
i don't see any unconditional help. mayb to them it's all about material help. i say, fuck that. what does material mean? i rather we squeeze in a 1 room flat and hav more time to talk to one another, than stay so close but emotionally distant thanks to all those tv and devices we have. when i m back home, it seems like the good food suffices. there's no bloody interaction and engagement.
what does she ask at home? how is school? do you bloody understand that school means shit to me? it's everything else which make sense. the Bible study time. the praying time. the talking time. the BGR struggles. the human conflicts. these things are what excite me. what's school? bunch of boring and meaningless equations. they never excited me. those were more like means to an end.
and you don't bother understanding that this is me.
instead all u bother is whether i m loving studying. i hate it because of all these expectations. i cannot be bound by these things. they make me puke. these bonds make me puke. they put me under yoke and chain. they hinder my full expression of my soul.
and it seems that my mother prefers to keep me under the bondage of the system. why bother about this material and binding system? break out of it.
i m even getting a headache writing this. because there is so much unresolved talk. and yet my mother rationalizes these things away as growing pains. at least that is what i see. mayb she feels more than what i see. but this is what i see. i don't see any care, any true concern or love.
love, is it just all that good food and travel? where is the true connection? whatever it is. emotionally, supporting my pursuits, advice without pre-conceived value judgments.
if u ask me about deciding a life for myself, all i can say is, i won't bring my child up this way.
to be fair then, my father should take some of the responsibility.
always avoiding the difficult talk. always being passive-aggressive. actually he may just be the root of the problem. never present in truly difficult situations. all we knew was his unhappy and black face at everything. if it's so hard for u to give up time to be a father then don't be lah. pls. want to have kids, boast to the world that you invest in children, first thing once they reach certain age u don't bother a shit about them. in fact it is ur children fucking making effort to connect wif ur ideas and thoughts, and all u do is boast abt ur adeptness at the workplace.
seriously? that's a father? and i wonder what u do to my mother. now i see why a divorce was on the cards that time. divorce was nearly on the table cos all u did was to give her stress i see. u mad bro? but honestly, that's my observation. u may want to make all sorts of excuses about what i say.
but sorry that's what ur son saw. ur son is not so stupid. i m seeing all these issues. and i hav my own stand on issues. too bad, i m not a programmable robot. this is what i m seeing. if these uncovering of sins is hard for u to swallow, too bad. honestly, too bad.
u never made the effort to clarify what happened over the years. and this is but a small culmination. i don't think this is the full expression of the mess of emotions i m dealing with everyday.
nowadays i make effort to pray about this, and for God to forgive and put in me that heart of forgiveness. but truth is, if u continue to behave in this way, all i hav is more and more negative impressions of you 2. deal with it. if u want to blame me back, don't be too surprised if negative defensive mechanisms start to appear.
theoretically i know, let me forgive. but when the triggers happen... they cannot be avoided. i start to subconsciously hear what happened in the past. all that passive-aggressive attitude. all that lack of empathy. all that lack of understanding. all that disinterest in my life.
i guess all children grow up, and when we grow up we see the lack in our parents. it's not really their fault. but those mistakes leave an indelible mark in our souls. it's rather serious in my case.
take the recent example, when all was going wrong, and my mother starts to decide to bring up every single wrong-doing and give no encouragement. zero. there was none. but she does not engage with it and spend effort to understand the situation. all she wanted to do was to prove that i was wrong. proving her supremacy was more important than a hurting child. tough to realize that at the end of the day this is who my mother is. repeating the stories of the gov't instead of learning to love her child.
what is love? to her, it seems to be cooking a great meal when i m back home from army and sch; bringing me for big dinner during birthday; bringing me on a holiday trip as far as possible.
but could she identify a problem? that why is her son sick of all these? the truth is, i find it sickening. these are not displays of love in my opinion. i get it that she may assume that those are displays of her love. but in truth, i can't "feel" it. i can't "sense" it. they are like... not even symbolic. she isn't spending time to understand what i need.
i m really sick of all these big things because they are so... meaningless. they are like voids. even when we go on these we don't talk. nothing is done. all those holiday trips were more like fulfilling the whims and wants of my father and/or my mother. they weren't about us. nothing is being communicated for that matter. i m not being communicated with. my life is just, whatever they expect it to be. when i fall short of that expectation, all sorts of passive aggressive and passive resentment and/or resignation are displayed.
is this how u wld like a son to be?
who are my better friends? those that don't challenge my view offensively. those who sit down to listen to me and probe my understanding when needed. even when they probe there isn't any big opposition. those whom i call and i know they will listen.
instead what does my parents do? my father is naturally distant. i won't call him unless i m dying. my mother, nowadays i can't call her anymore. she isn't understanding. she isn't sitting down to listen to my problems. she is here to dump more responsibility and burden on my head. she claims that she isn't and family is the only place where unconditional help arrives. are u sure?
i don't see any unconditional help. mayb to them it's all about material help. i say, fuck that. what does material mean? i rather we squeeze in a 1 room flat and hav more time to talk to one another, than stay so close but emotionally distant thanks to all those tv and devices we have. when i m back home, it seems like the good food suffices. there's no bloody interaction and engagement.
what does she ask at home? how is school? do you bloody understand that school means shit to me? it's everything else which make sense. the Bible study time. the praying time. the talking time. the BGR struggles. the human conflicts. these things are what excite me. what's school? bunch of boring and meaningless equations. they never excited me. those were more like means to an end.
and you don't bother understanding that this is me.
instead all u bother is whether i m loving studying. i hate it because of all these expectations. i cannot be bound by these things. they make me puke. these bonds make me puke. they put me under yoke and chain. they hinder my full expression of my soul.
and it seems that my mother prefers to keep me under the bondage of the system. why bother about this material and binding system? break out of it.
i m even getting a headache writing this. because there is so much unresolved talk. and yet my mother rationalizes these things away as growing pains. at least that is what i see. mayb she feels more than what i see. but this is what i see. i don't see any care, any true concern or love.
love, is it just all that good food and travel? where is the true connection? whatever it is. emotionally, supporting my pursuits, advice without pre-conceived value judgments.
if u ask me about deciding a life for myself, all i can say is, i won't bring my child up this way.
to be fair then, my father should take some of the responsibility.
always avoiding the difficult talk. always being passive-aggressive. actually he may just be the root of the problem. never present in truly difficult situations. all we knew was his unhappy and black face at everything. if it's so hard for u to give up time to be a father then don't be lah. pls. want to have kids, boast to the world that you invest in children, first thing once they reach certain age u don't bother a shit about them. in fact it is ur children fucking making effort to connect wif ur ideas and thoughts, and all u do is boast abt ur adeptness at the workplace.
seriously? that's a father? and i wonder what u do to my mother. now i see why a divorce was on the cards that time. divorce was nearly on the table cos all u did was to give her stress i see. u mad bro? but honestly, that's my observation. u may want to make all sorts of excuses about what i say.
but sorry that's what ur son saw. ur son is not so stupid. i m seeing all these issues. and i hav my own stand on issues. too bad, i m not a programmable robot. this is what i m seeing. if these uncovering of sins is hard for u to swallow, too bad. honestly, too bad.
u never made the effort to clarify what happened over the years. and this is but a small culmination. i don't think this is the full expression of the mess of emotions i m dealing with everyday.
nowadays i make effort to pray about this, and for God to forgive and put in me that heart of forgiveness. but truth is, if u continue to behave in this way, all i hav is more and more negative impressions of you 2. deal with it. if u want to blame me back, don't be too surprised if negative defensive mechanisms start to appear.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Tuesday, April 05, 2016
the haves may have what the have-nots have not; yet the haves have not what the have-nots have, and it may also be that the haves have not have had what the have-nots had.
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the haves would have the have-nots to have what they have, yet would not have helped the have-nots have what they have - so why preserve that the have-nots have what the haves have, when the haves have not have that the have-nots have what they have?
-----------
it may also be that:
the have-nots actually have more than what the haves have. but the have-nots can't have the haves have what they have too.
----------
the haves would have the have-nots to have what they have, yet would not have helped the have-nots have what they have - so why preserve that the have-nots have what the haves have, when the haves have not have that the have-nots have what they have?
-----------
it may also be that:
the have-nots actually have more than what the haves have. but the have-nots can't have the haves have what they have too.
Sunday, April 03, 2016
this is a total fuck up. just because i referenced to the wrong senior report, and the wrong style of writing... i went on the wrong track. it seems like every single person went to design a distillation column from the physical standpoint, especially with respect to column internals, while i went to design it by optimizing the chemical engineering POV. fuck.
that's all folks. i think that's finished.
that's all folks. i think that's finished.
Friday, March 11, 2016
after a few days of sickness i think it is right to come before the Lord.
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---------
have i been avoiding the correction of God for a long time? have i been that false prophet to myself, blinding myself with whitewash about the truth, and dismissing the correction of God on my pride over the past few years as i have been pondering humility? think on the prophet book of Ezekiel. have i been honest with God to repent at the first situation when i realize there is a sin? maybe i have a hardened heart over time. and God knows how to deal with it in His own good fashion. i always thought that humility was fake, although i have been figuring out how to get it. and now i do, after a serious blow from the Lord.
y3s2, being humiliated, putting in certain amt of consistent effort in modules, only to find out that i have been behind in nearly all subjects, and worse, one module in trouble thanks to a ~13.5% assignment being marked down with respect to the rest of the class... design project in trouble because i look around and everyone is progressing far ahead of me. and i hav not an idea what to do, since i don't even know of the resource to turn to but everyone is all ahead of me with resources and writings and readings ready. and there's this talk of "heuristics" which i don't even understand of.
it is tough, for a person like me who used to boast in his own powers of last-minute work. yeah, it got me a whole load of A- and B+. great. sounds great eh? sounds great. but what did God say? did he not say he is going to deal with those who does not see Him as Lord, and he is going to deal with those who decide to put something else as Lord? there's a song that says: "i will not boast in anything, no GIFTS, no POWER, no RICHES; but i will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection."
i agree with that and now i know why, a person does not boast in gifts. i boasted in this ability for far too long. i always assumed it's possible to do magic. magic. like snap the finger, drink some coffee, magically overnight produce a score. and that i did for 2 years. and now the problems are slowly being unveiled. it's not real fun when u realize that you can't boast in this last-minute crap anymore. firstly i have lost that ability. second, all that knowledge base i did not build up due to last-min work, it's biting me in the butt. causing the humiliation i m in. i can't apply that knowledge base i do not have in my higher level modules. and that is leading to great misunderstandings of subject matters and poor interpretations of problems. and causing my lag in modules. and it's a serious blow by God to what i hold on to - my ability. my brain's genius. something that i have been boasting in for a long time. it is being removed.
yes, the gift is being removed. i know, there's a bunch of ppl coming to smear the whitewash on the wall soon, wanting to tell me, "gerald it's not that bad God isn't doing this". then i can tell you yea God isn't doing this directly but in the circumstances don't you see the correction? shut up, be humble, start working hard again, and boast only in the Lord. stop boasting in last-min ability.
it's tough. it's a pet. but thank you Jesus for weeding this out. and for being that stream that i draw upon in this time. only thanks to God's Word then i can make sense of all this situation i m going through. mayb i need to be humiliated for the saints around me. mayb there's a need to humiliate me at this time for a greater cause. only when i m weak, then Jesus can be made perfect through my weakness.
do i despise the correction of the Lord? why should i. if i know that this has greater purpose, there is a greater glory behind this, i don't mind. let's go through this many more times. as my friend told me maybe this is just round 2 of 3 billion more. why not? why not for Jesus, go to greater humiliation? there are many more men of faith who went through this, and they were NOT exalted. instead they were martyred. what's wrong with that? since no one is interested in physical martyrdom, let them martyr my impression, my social standings, my financial standing. maybe these need to be destroyed too.
this alabaster jar is all i have of worth, i break it at your feet Lord it's less than You deserve... You're far more beautiful, more precious than the oil, the sum of my desires and the fulness of my joy...
Like You spilled Your blood, I spill my heart as an offering to my King...
here i am take me, as an offering; here i am take me, every heartbeat for Your glory... take me
waste no more time, do Your work God...
-------------
Psa 119:71 (ESV)
It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes.
It is good for me that I was afflicted,
that I might learn your statutes.
Prov 3:11-12 (ESV)
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline, or be weary of his reproof,
for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline, or be weary of his reproof,
for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
Jer 17:5-8 (ESV)
Thus says the Lord:
Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man, and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land."
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
have i been avoiding the correction of God for a long time? have i been that false prophet to myself, blinding myself with whitewash about the truth, and dismissing the correction of God on my pride over the past few years as i have been pondering humility? think on the prophet book of Ezekiel. have i been honest with God to repent at the first situation when i realize there is a sin? maybe i have a hardened heart over time. and God knows how to deal with it in His own good fashion. i always thought that humility was fake, although i have been figuring out how to get it. and now i do, after a serious blow from the Lord.
y3s2, being humiliated, putting in certain amt of consistent effort in modules, only to find out that i have been behind in nearly all subjects, and worse, one module in trouble thanks to a ~13.5% assignment being marked down with respect to the rest of the class... design project in trouble because i look around and everyone is progressing far ahead of me. and i hav not an idea what to do, since i don't even know of the resource to turn to but everyone is all ahead of me with resources and writings and readings ready. and there's this talk of "heuristics" which i don't even understand of.
it is tough, for a person like me who used to boast in his own powers of last-minute work. yeah, it got me a whole load of A- and B+. great. sounds great eh? sounds great. but what did God say? did he not say he is going to deal with those who does not see Him as Lord, and he is going to deal with those who decide to put something else as Lord? there's a song that says: "i will not boast in anything, no GIFTS, no POWER, no RICHES; but i will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection."
i agree with that and now i know why, a person does not boast in gifts. i boasted in this ability for far too long. i always assumed it's possible to do magic. magic. like snap the finger, drink some coffee, magically overnight produce a score. and that i did for 2 years. and now the problems are slowly being unveiled. it's not real fun when u realize that you can't boast in this last-minute crap anymore. firstly i have lost that ability. second, all that knowledge base i did not build up due to last-min work, it's biting me in the butt. causing the humiliation i m in. i can't apply that knowledge base i do not have in my higher level modules. and that is leading to great misunderstandings of subject matters and poor interpretations of problems. and causing my lag in modules. and it's a serious blow by God to what i hold on to - my ability. my brain's genius. something that i have been boasting in for a long time. it is being removed.
yes, the gift is being removed. i know, there's a bunch of ppl coming to smear the whitewash on the wall soon, wanting to tell me, "gerald it's not that bad God isn't doing this". then i can tell you yea God isn't doing this directly but in the circumstances don't you see the correction? shut up, be humble, start working hard again, and boast only in the Lord. stop boasting in last-min ability.
it's tough. it's a pet. but thank you Jesus for weeding this out. and for being that stream that i draw upon in this time. only thanks to God's Word then i can make sense of all this situation i m going through. mayb i need to be humiliated for the saints around me. mayb there's a need to humiliate me at this time for a greater cause. only when i m weak, then Jesus can be made perfect through my weakness.
do i despise the correction of the Lord? why should i. if i know that this has greater purpose, there is a greater glory behind this, i don't mind. let's go through this many more times. as my friend told me maybe this is just round 2 of 3 billion more. why not? why not for Jesus, go to greater humiliation? there are many more men of faith who went through this, and they were NOT exalted. instead they were martyred. what's wrong with that? since no one is interested in physical martyrdom, let them martyr my impression, my social standings, my financial standing. maybe these need to be destroyed too.
this alabaster jar is all i have of worth, i break it at your feet Lord it's less than You deserve... You're far more beautiful, more precious than the oil, the sum of my desires and the fulness of my joy...
Like You spilled Your blood, I spill my heart as an offering to my King...
here i am take me, as an offering; here i am take me, every heartbeat for Your glory... take me
waste no more time, do Your work God...
Monday, March 07, 2016
will Jesus listen to me?
yea, on textbook that's what i know of.
but the people aren't reflecting this truth. they aren't reflecting it to me. hav i started to rely on what they make me feel? mayb exactly the same problem. i m waiting for someone to affirm me. i hav taught others not to rely on it, yet i do it myself. how dumb.
u know unstable compounds? they need to release energy to achieve a more stable state.
i feel that way esp when... idk. idk how to say it. it just feels like... i'm unwanted.
why do i idolize it? the Lord is still with me, present with me clearly as i go about doing my stuff. i know it full well He is with me. but why do i want this other person so much? am i idolizing something? i need someone's approval? this is really lame. it's unhealthy
yea, on textbook that's what i know of.
but the people aren't reflecting this truth. they aren't reflecting it to me. hav i started to rely on what they make me feel? mayb exactly the same problem. i m waiting for someone to affirm me. i hav taught others not to rely on it, yet i do it myself. how dumb.
u know unstable compounds? they need to release energy to achieve a more stable state.
i feel that way esp when... idk. idk how to say it. it just feels like... i'm unwanted.
why do i idolize it? the Lord is still with me, present with me clearly as i go about doing my stuff. i know it full well He is with me. but why do i want this other person so much? am i idolizing something? i need someone's approval? this is really lame. it's unhealthy
Wednesday, March 02, 2016
Thursday, February 25, 2016
how many more people need God more than myself?
just look at the people at Geylang, the ladies. living a life void of the true hope, they turn to everything else for hope. the men too. when our lives are devoid of a true absolute standard, anything seems legit. think of Ezekiel, when anything was permitted.
but i just felt like something is missing at Geylang. heard that other students went there on hidden comm fieldtrip, but are disallowed from speaking to anyone.
now after speaking to the ladies... it's just crazy. how did Jesus hang out with these people? what is the depth of love God has for them? being there for a while... i alr can understand the sadness... selling flesh for money... that reality-driven life...
Lord let Your light shine there... open their eyes, Holy Spirit speak and convict...
may we be equipped with the Word and with God's love to keep going there to engage them. this is not the status quo we must be contented with. we cannot let the devil have a foothold in that area.
just look at the people at Geylang, the ladies. living a life void of the true hope, they turn to everything else for hope. the men too. when our lives are devoid of a true absolute standard, anything seems legit. think of Ezekiel, when anything was permitted.
but i just felt like something is missing at Geylang. heard that other students went there on hidden comm fieldtrip, but are disallowed from speaking to anyone.
now after speaking to the ladies... it's just crazy. how did Jesus hang out with these people? what is the depth of love God has for them? being there for a while... i alr can understand the sadness... selling flesh for money... that reality-driven life...
Lord let Your light shine there... open their eyes, Holy Spirit speak and convict...
may we be equipped with the Word and with God's love to keep going there to engage them. this is not the status quo we must be contented with. we cannot let the devil have a foothold in that area.
Friday, February 19, 2016
Psa 46:1-2 God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
it'd be great
if i could stop
having so much beer
to drown out some issues
it never hurts,
to have a few more shots
after a can of beer
no one told me that life was easy, and i m glad the Lord taught me that as well over the years. it is easy to think that a man of God is expected to be wow, life's always good. but i m glad the Lord really showed me that such thinking is rather nonsense. Matt 5:3 says blessed are those who are poor in spirit. and i tell u... if u are not broken down by God to understand how crap you are that you really need Him... mayb u shld ask for it.
He broke me. once. i thought that was over. now it's the 2nd dose.
and i hate it. God's tearing my soul apart. even my smartness. even my studies. it is being tested. it is being torn apart. i cannot get 1st class. not wif even my striving. God help me. how to get into postgrad school? how to even enter Minnesota state uni?? if can't go there means no more John Piper seminary... unless go back Vineyard at UIUC? that place bible is crappy study too.
o God, when is the end of my trials? and these are just self-inflicted trials of pride of life. how can i stand against the trials inflicted by others?
a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
it'd be great
if i could stop
having so much beer
to drown out some issues
it never hurts,
to have a few more shots
after a can of beer
no one told me that life was easy, and i m glad the Lord taught me that as well over the years. it is easy to think that a man of God is expected to be wow, life's always good. but i m glad the Lord really showed me that such thinking is rather nonsense. Matt 5:3 says blessed are those who are poor in spirit. and i tell u... if u are not broken down by God to understand how crap you are that you really need Him... mayb u shld ask for it.
He broke me. once. i thought that was over. now it's the 2nd dose.
and i hate it. God's tearing my soul apart. even my smartness. even my studies. it is being tested. it is being torn apart. i cannot get 1st class. not wif even my striving. God help me. how to get into postgrad school? how to even enter Minnesota state uni?? if can't go there means no more John Piper seminary... unless go back Vineyard at UIUC? that place bible is crappy study too.
o God, when is the end of my trials? and these are just self-inflicted trials of pride of life. how can i stand against the trials inflicted by others?
Tuesday, February 09, 2016
so many thoughts during cny. i always wonder what's the problem.
i don't write here a lot. but i realize that as time goes by... my public space is being eaten up at facebook. so i have turned back to blogspot, where the traffic is real low and no one really follows. it's a great idea some more i don't link or label anything or tag.
what sort of son disappears from home to seek refuge from the family? my family isn't doing badly. and many a time it may just be my brain. o Lord when we call out to You, You hear.
hear Lord, that my family is quietly turning unhealthy. there isn't a healthy communication. a lot of ego play. a lot of negative talk. condemning others, instead of love.
what's the problem here? all of seems to be honouring the Lord ok. but there's just something lacking. i can't describe what exactly is the problem. but observing the level of communication there's just something that is real missing and there's a serious problem.
and here i am just being able to be a keyboard warrior. not even prayer warrior. i don't even know what is my role in all this.
i don't write here a lot. but i realize that as time goes by... my public space is being eaten up at facebook. so i have turned back to blogspot, where the traffic is real low and no one really follows. it's a great idea some more i don't link or label anything or tag.
what sort of son disappears from home to seek refuge from the family? my family isn't doing badly. and many a time it may just be my brain. o Lord when we call out to You, You hear.
hear Lord, that my family is quietly turning unhealthy. there isn't a healthy communication. a lot of ego play. a lot of negative talk. condemning others, instead of love.
what's the problem here? all of seems to be honouring the Lord ok. but there's just something lacking. i can't describe what exactly is the problem. but observing the level of communication there's just something that is real missing and there's a serious problem.
and here i am just being able to be a keyboard warrior. not even prayer warrior. i don't even know what is my role in all this.
Sunday, February 07, 2016
yeah, a house of an elder i see.
some of the family members try lah. we try to make it a family. each of us try in our own ways. but it's funny, at the end of the day, it seems like... they don't always coincide together.
festive season, and i m sitting here remembering the Lord is my peace. the song, 耶和华坐着为王，洪水氾濫的時候；耶和華坐著為王，直到永遠。
we all try, and then i look at the friction. and where's lubricant?? all i see is some reluctant giving way. and i, standing at the side, a helpless observer, unable to initiate much. or intervene even.
i don't like to purposely be a whatever beatitudes guy. what blessed poor in spirit. i'm not gonna act as that. but i keep getting turned back to this verse whenever i feel this way, and wondering whether all these emotional turmoil is worth it. all these tears shed for nothing cos i watch my family tearing at one another for nothing, or just stabbing one another because one has practiced more Christian liberty than another.
seems like there's some sort of an excess pride everywhere we go.
i wonder what the Lord teaches about family. father teach the children? in the end, the father just passed his stuck up genes over to the first 2 sons, and his lack of sociability over to his 3rd son which culminates in autism. pls. and in teaching? nothing much about promoting love and righteousness, just expression of pent up frustration. it is of not much wonder why the first 2 sons who aren't autistic love to express the same in more creative ways.
one rather type on blogspot. the other? boasting about his Christian liberty after being set free from some "chains of legalism", and biting his own roots in the butt. pls, if God didn't teach him that since young he would even have any sense of righteousness, just by going to churches that play some clubbing, trance-infusing music?
surely... there's more of God's peace that can surround this situation. may the Lord be peace here Lord. come to fill us Lord with Your love, and that we can speak more of Your love, act more with Your grace... rather than bow down to the work of our sinful nature. give us the backbone strengthened by Your Spirit. thanks God for being faithful... listen to our prayer Lord... it doesn't have to be this way with You...
some of the family members try lah. we try to make it a family. each of us try in our own ways. but it's funny, at the end of the day, it seems like... they don't always coincide together.
festive season, and i m sitting here remembering the Lord is my peace. the song, 耶和华坐着为王，洪水氾濫的時候；耶和華坐著為王，直到永遠。
we all try, and then i look at the friction. and where's lubricant?? all i see is some reluctant giving way. and i, standing at the side, a helpless observer, unable to initiate much. or intervene even.
i don't like to purposely be a whatever beatitudes guy. what blessed poor in spirit. i'm not gonna act as that. but i keep getting turned back to this verse whenever i feel this way, and wondering whether all these emotional turmoil is worth it. all these tears shed for nothing cos i watch my family tearing at one another for nothing, or just stabbing one another because one has practiced more Christian liberty than another.
seems like there's some sort of an excess pride everywhere we go.
i wonder what the Lord teaches about family. father teach the children? in the end, the father just passed his stuck up genes over to the first 2 sons, and his lack of sociability over to his 3rd son which culminates in autism. pls. and in teaching? nothing much about promoting love and righteousness, just expression of pent up frustration. it is of not much wonder why the first 2 sons who aren't autistic love to express the same in more creative ways.
one rather type on blogspot. the other? boasting about his Christian liberty after being set free from some "chains of legalism", and biting his own roots in the butt. pls, if God didn't teach him that since young he would even have any sense of righteousness, just by going to churches that play some clubbing, trance-infusing music?
surely... there's more of God's peace that can surround this situation. may the Lord be peace here Lord. come to fill us Lord with Your love, and that we can speak more of Your love, act more with Your grace... rather than bow down to the work of our sinful nature. give us the backbone strengthened by Your Spirit. thanks God for being faithful... listen to our prayer Lord... it doesn't have to be this way with You...
Wednesday, February 03, 2016
really? you do these things in secret, and think the Lord does not see? mayb you did not do any of such things. but you thought of these things in secret, and think that the Lord does not know of them again? God forgive us and guide each and every of our intention and let us not be fooled by our own tainted hearts...
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
haven't been accessing this for some time.
praying that God will continue to show me who He is. praying that God will be faithful. so much water to walk on, to tread on.
i don't really know what's happening.
but for any sane reader following this little site you'd know - the LORD has done a great thing in me, whereof you should be glad about.
delivering me from vulgarities and convicting me of the problems of it; delivering me from porn; convicting me and putting in me a serious holy desire to fight against the flesh in masturbation; delivering me from my slavery to getting a girlfriend fast.
and so many other spiritual Egypt. as i recount all these I can only fall on my face... LORD be merciful... God thank you for the work... but just pardon me the sinner. and let Your grace reign in me. continue to make my spirit poor. but may Your Spirit be seen!! teach me to live according to the beatitudes, not as some self-made ascetic, but one who is truly poor in worldly sense but truly rich in kingdom terms. thank you Lord Jesus for being that propitiation of all sin. now I trust in Your word in John 14-16, and i receive the power to live out what Your Spirit is telling me. pray in Jesus Name
praying that God will continue to show me who He is. praying that God will be faithful. so much water to walk on, to tread on.
i don't really know what's happening.
but for any sane reader following this little site you'd know - the LORD has done a great thing in me, whereof you should be glad about.
delivering me from vulgarities and convicting me of the problems of it; delivering me from porn; convicting me and putting in me a serious holy desire to fight against the flesh in masturbation; delivering me from my slavery to getting a girlfriend fast.
and so many other spiritual Egypt. as i recount all these I can only fall on my face... LORD be merciful... God thank you for the work... but just pardon me the sinner. and let Your grace reign in me. continue to make my spirit poor. but may Your Spirit be seen!! teach me to live according to the beatitudes, not as some self-made ascetic, but one who is truly poor in worldly sense but truly rich in kingdom terms. thank you Lord Jesus for being that propitiation of all sin. now I trust in Your word in John 14-16, and i receive the power to live out what Your Spirit is telling me. pray in Jesus Name
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