are we earnestly looking for truth, cold hard truth written in love which appears as unappealing and absurd? or have we grown accustomed wif the trends of the world, and we are just seeking the experience of love, appeal to emotion and allowing wad we can see and feel guide us? i find it increasingly hard to tell the truth. but i must love to continue to tell the truth.

the devil operations are smart, it is using a whole bunch of confusion techniques to let ppl think they are already saved. honestly, if i were back in my old self, i'll say, i can't fuck u in the face, but in time i don't have to fight the war with u. God has already won it for us. in war time, my language is not always beautiful.

kns. what shall be my course of operations next? how do we correct ppl? how do we shine? fuck my life. so shag.

mayb a dose of trust God will work out for me.

i always wonder, if u are the more discerning party, are u supposed to bring ppl to ur understanding or are you supposed to descend to the level of others so as to understand them? it has always been harder to do the latter while maintaining ur own understanding.

pardon me if i sound like a bitch, but honestly, sometimes it gets hard. it gets real hard. it gets fucking hard to do the right thing, to maintain ur level of integrity while trying to understand others. it is so easy to descend and join everyone else in the lack of understanding.

it is so tempting, to fit in with the crowd well knowing that your ideas are actually for the greater benefit.

i tink i m weird.

things that i can't give 100% in, i don't go in. those that i do, i give 101%, and that somehow turns ppl off.

maybe i need to learn some stuff from other ppl. a chemical engineer-turned-VWO person once said "you have to get down to where they are and work with them from where they are, and not pull them up to ur level because they just don't operate at such levels yet."

empathize, and not expect.

i hav high self-expectation and that may hav unintentionally been dumped on others. i tink it's time... on top of my listening, on top of my effort to engage ppl... have to oso use even more energy to understand ppl.

i feel a little shag out... i never done such things such as understanding others b4. all i did last time was to cross my finger to be that person that everyone would listen to. now, i reverse. i want to listen to ppl, i m interested in what they have.

headache. headache.

my duty is to lead, to excel and to overcome.

overcome ur wants.

i hav no idea.

我心里有惧怕。我怕这次又是我的罪性在引导我的行为，我的举止，我的想法。我怕这次的迷恋又是为了自己的私欲而不是为了他人着想。

maybe not the time yet. i don't want to cause the wrong thoughts. i don't want to cause the misunderstandings. hence, i don't feel like acting.

maybe it's not the time. i should not act out of my own accord. but i shld act so as not to stumble others, so as not to wrong the other person.

conclusion i should not.

but still the flip side tells me, if i don't act, later go wif wrong person. den how? fucked alr? cannot rite?

mayb just shuddup la. shuddup and see. u can't control wad's ahead. just chill the fuck out. and don't create anymore chaos and sin anymore. that time burn not only oil tio burn burn until can't even see mother or father anymore. dafuq. u don't want to burn in that situation again.

so uncertain. God help me? i hav no idea. am i supposed to see it as temptation? or chance.

i don't know at all.

maybe by testing the faith? the confession of the Spirit? i don't bloody know.

wad if i tell u i kinda wanna just waste time staring at u? HAHA

but... there's an art. the same thing by 2 persons can be viewed as either sweet or creepy.

sick of this shit.

idk. mayb it's not the time, yet if it's not the time, whence cometh the time?