it is very open ended situation.

who is wrong? i don't think it is about right or wrong anymore.

but it's about whether anyone can find amicable ending.

what's yours? what's mine? we are speaking on different frequencies which are not harmonics.

yes, mayb not pure sine wave, some places got constructive interference.

obviously, there is little effort i see in trying to get the waves to go on harmonics. so what i think is, madness. just madness. so what happened to the start? dead. but nvm, i shuddup. because i know that the more i shuddup it will solve a lot of issues.

but here comes the paradox - when u found that the reason i kip quiet is to defuse the situation, then u will get crazy again. so i wonder how it will end. the fastest way to end if u jump out of this paradox or i disappear forever. the former is facing reality, the latter is a fantasy which is nearly impossible to happen lest i die.

so mayb that seems legit. HAHA

it now makes sense to me why we stay patient.

sometimes the opportunity is not created by us only. it usually takes all the factors to fall into place before we can even catch it. yes, we can create the conditions for opportunity to happen. but although we do this, we must remember that there are some factors that can only be settled by waiting.

the key here is patience. check out which religion doesn't teach u about patience, kindness, forbearance?

爱是恒久忍耐，爱里凡事能盼望，不求自己的益处。all these factors. it's a recurring theme.

it's not about our will. but it's about being able to submit to the higher plan. and waiting for god to work in our lives. so God, that is a true lesson learnt. keep it in my heart.

no matter how bad we think another's decision is, we have to respect their decision as a first cut. we need to respect that they have a reason and a right to make that choice in the first place. let's not talk about correcting/coercing them out of their current choice so quickly.

we ourselves must really come to accept this fact that they can make a decision contrary to our views. they can make a decision that is going to destroy what we think. they can make a decision which polarizes people. we must come to accept this truth.

when we see it in this way, that's where we can love without any vested interests. we need no reciprocation. we need no transaction. we do not need them to understand us, we do not need them to realise what we are thinking.

we love others anyways. now i see why god can command us, love your neighbour as yourself. when we have zero vested interests, that is where we can do so. having said this, we show ppl that they should correct their mistakes (as we perceive), while giving them the space to realise it in faith and in hope. if they do not see the same way as us, once again we have to accept that as that.

i actually wish that i can do something openly: which is to let people view my mistakes before what I market myself as.

this blog is actually a good platform. i wonder how genius i was a few years back. opening up any of the posts, i probably am laughing at what i did just 5 years or 6 years ago.

v interesting. so maybe there wasn't a need to keep a diary to show how much of an idiot i was.

the reason we love, is not to possess or to be possessed.

the reason we love, is not to get to our own selfish desires

the reason we love, is not to use it as a means for another end.

still we are human, we can't run away from our vested interests, our own selfish interests, our own desires. but let's face it - as long as we start to love with an effort of keeping it pure and NOT TRANSACTIONAL, we are on the right track.

why should we cheat ourselves and act like we are saints?

why should we tell ourselves we are already doing so?

why do we act like we are there?

once again, by accepting our human-ness, we need to realise we may be living in a mistake anyways. we may be making mistakes at this very moment, or unknowingly making a mistake for the past few days/months/years of our lives.

we may never have the chance to achieve perfection due to our nature, but still, we strive towards it earnestly while admitting that we would not be there. at least we are near there.

为了爱，我能放下，我能放手。

你想明白不明白是你的问题。我不能控制你。

but honestly, if u can't forgive and move on, there we are once again staring at each other's cock hair. and u seem to love this situation. i don't really know why.

shit happens. fkin hell, suck it up. do u tink we are infallible? and a big issue for u to consider - is ur current reality unbreakable? tink about it seriously instead of waiting for shit to hit the fan.

i hav alr proven, shit WILL hit the fan. and today without facing it, there is the shitty bua feeling. suspicions after suspicion, lack of trust building up, that lack of communication apparent.

there wasn't a need to. alright yes i agree my pride is big, i did not handle it as positively as i can. pardon me. but when was i not speaking the truth?

ok i agree it was intimidating, and i did not speak the most relevant things because i am selfish. but plz lo, u hav to see past it, i hav to see past it. i respect the situation, and i am already facing it. but if u are not intending to respect the reality, then that's it u know.

that's why we get stuck.

as an enlightened person, i will not make that dream that beautiful anymore.

in my search to be an enlightened person, i shall stop doing things for MY benefit. instead, i need to humbly seek God's plan and God's will for my life.

not MY benefit. NOT my greed. NOT my own selfish desires.

i must understand, things are done in God's plan. there are reasons for God's actions. we may not understand it today, but we'll come to know it better by and by.

those are the promises i could give.

those are the promises i wld live by. those are the deals that we settled upon.

yet, they have chosen the greatly lesser choice. they hav chosen such lousily-thought through ideas. they were taken by the poorest pieces of lies. even i lie better.

so if this is your reality, it isn't mine.

i am living in this world. they are but living in a fucking dream. and those who know me, i don't use the word fucking easily out of army.

u wan it to be a fucking dream? i make it the most beautiful one for u. u want that dream to be so beautiful, so beautiful it makes u fucking cry. i tell u. fucking beware.

a person on fire can do a lot of things.

if i go deep fry food too long, it will get burnt.

so what is important is that i give it a nice long warming after a deep fry, instead of let it stay deep-frying for unknown long amount of time!

i hav thus been enlightened. i see the light!!

we are conditioned to think that relationships in this world is transactional in nature - u put in sth, u get sth. WRONG. that is not the basis... sometimes u put in ur life, u get nothing. sometimes u put in nothing, u get alot out of it. did u deserve to be born? hell no. yet u're born. do u deserve the love of ur parents? hell no. we did so many things against them. yet they love us. are we obliged to give back everything? actually, hell no. we just need to do wad we can. and that already completes the cycle. if we don't complete this cycle, everything breaks down, and seems transactional. (some are transactional like rational working relations. that one nothing to say.)

tink about it. 我孝顺，是为了还报父母对我的疼爱吗？想一想，这种付出还得清吗？还不清。你还清我拜你。如果血缘关系还得清，我真的佩服你。and honestly, in the strongest of friendships, also cannot count one. the more u wan to count, the more pek cek u get.

and i haven't even touched on the God part, i can alr write like this.

this proves, we love, because God first loved us. true love can only be achieved in such a situation - the giver giving totally, the receiver having received with open arms, and then understand the motive of the giver.

in my n number of observations, i have realised that many people think that this world is a world of transactional relationships. WRONG. just think about ur family itself. did u deserve to be born in this world? hell no.

there's no such thing (from detached/enlightened perspective) about deserving better and deserving worse. but truth be told, many don't see it this way. they don't know what is God's love, they don't know what is truly unconditional love.

when i love, i try to do it God's way - i give unconditionally. yes, i am human, i may not be perfect, i can't give perfect love, i may look for certain transactional aspects. but truth be told, i try as far as possible not to do this - for what does 计较 bring me? nearly nothing. counting all these small things make us very miserable. but this is nothing.

i tell u wad is most miserable. that is when u give love, and the person does not accept it. i don't care about that person not giving back. like seriously. i don't care. that person just needs to accept it. can u imagine, ur parents make the best stuff for u, and u don't even accept it. how will they feel? they will feel fucked up right?

similarly, because i understood this, and i see how god loves us... my perspective has changed. i don't care about how much i am giving. i just give, and try not to think about the receiving part.

fking trouble is when they don't even accept. these ppl... not sure to be pist, not sure to be patient, not sure to be hopeful.

but if i love them, i shld hope, and hate the lies that are being told, and love the truth as it is.

我不能要求太多，我不能欲望，我不能贪求。

我没有叫你付出。

我知道我的地位，有一天得放下，我明白。

我因爱你，所以会这样的付出。这是爱 - 我让你去选择你所要的幸福。。。

我不叫你为我做什么。如果你真的要我的一份爱，不太难 - 你只要双手空空来接受，我已经足够了。这也是上帝给世人的爱 - 他把独生子赐给世人，将一切接受他儿子的活在他爱当中。

我给的，不是平凡人的爱。我要给的是像上帝的无条件的爱。

我是人；我不是神。我有限，可是我所敢讲的，我敢讲我会尽心去做。若你要相信我，我没有一时想过亏待。