o God may your love be the element that speaks in my speech.
may Your wisdom be the guide, and may Your Spirit come to enlighten the blind. those who are blind both to Your faith, and those who are blinded by a lie of Your Holy Nature.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Saturday, May 21, 2016
why must it be that only when shit hit the fan then all these important things are spoken?
but yet at the same time the same question. u do all these things. i know they are out of ur love and concern. but why are they so pre-meditated? they are supposed to b your expressions of love. but why in the end they are met with negativity? pls. think about it.
stop just playing the game of ought-ness.
look at the relational aspect. u say u look forward to my presence. u think i don't know? i know it. but u know it's tough. why isit that i don't look forward to it? instead i force myself to make it a point to b back home. and instead it is met with expectation than anticipation. u are excited for me to be back but it is not communicated. i don't know what to say.
u say it's very hurting. and i know as well. but how do i say things? the truth is u know i make so much conscious effort to reverse all the negativity. but why did they build up in the first place?
i said a lot of times we are not engaging one another. we are not engaging in the thoughts and emotions. instead we are just imposing our preferences on one another. do u not see the problem? u are not engaging in the thoughts. u are still dumping ur insecurity and wants on me. when u go for a trip or go to restaurant, it is upon the pretext of making me happy. but do i really want that? do i want spending of big bucks on things that don't matter to me?
things that actually mattered... somehow were never in your purview. u like my company i know it. but why does it feel like u were never keen on what i bothered? u may not hav time for all of us it's fine. but never showed explicit interest. u know i m trying to reverse all these imagined attitudes. but it's hard when all i see is that you start to talk about studies. and u don't acknowledge it. u don't acknowledge the tension here.
i said many times it's not about the task. it's relational problems here. who can't work? but i m at a state that i have zero motivation of working. i mean, why work? for what?
i don't know why all ur focus seem to be on me working. i really hate it. and u are not even understanding it. you are not acknowledging it. u say you are. but here's the problem. ARE YOU COMMUNICATING? i can hear it but i can't listen. i hate this lie about persevering on. what comes out of this perseverance? all failure. it's just failure. it may not be true. but it's so systematically built into me.
THERE'S NO COMMS. no comms at all. why do u keep focusing on the tasks???? it's not the tasks now. i have no mood. no matter how exciting the task is now, it's tough you know. it's tough to operate on such a mental state. i feel like as if i m going on a PhD just to fulfill your inner happiness. that sounds wrong all of a sudden.
more importantly.
why is it that now i m always making an effort then i can know? why don't u do it obviously? i hav no idea. why is it that as i say, all these things i know on hindsight? i know all your bringing me on trip and making good food is for me. but i find it weird. why can't we just lead a normal life?
honestly i m not stressed by work you know, no matter how much u tink i m. in fact at this time i don't even know how to articulate the problem any more. u say u don't want me to get into big school. u just want me to do what God wants me to do. i don't know. the truth is previous times all the junk u said comes into play. pls last time u were telling me try for them. TRY FOR THEM. these words echo around my brain u know. they are imprisoning me. it's something that i don't want because i know these places are cauldron. but u still hope that i can. what are u hoping for? i tink the issue is we are not spending the time to align our hopes.
u say go for holiday. sure i go for holiday with u. in the end what? it's all about making urself happy. hav u wondered, why are we not? because we are bored? because we are disengaged? honestly a mixture of both. i tink i m very disengaged. those things aren't my preferences. nowadays i don't even know where i want to go. when i was younger i'd rather just go run around. nowadays? i don't know. mayb enjoy the nite in the city and sit in a 24h cafe and rot.
but to u that's not holiday.
-----------
u see. there's so much misalignment. and u never bothered to align. u just want to do the stuff that u think is loving me. ah here maybe we are getting somewhere. u keep doing the stuff which u assume is loving me, but it is not being registered in my head as love. it is being registered in my head as u wanna do what u wan to do.
and that's y i feel like as if i m making an effort to let u love me. u tell me u love me thru these actions. now u listen to me. i m allowing myself to b loved by u. seriously. i m doing that u know? it is tough. but as a son to love u i m doing that. u know how tough it is? to consciously tell myself, ok my mum is being nice here let's do something that is totally not me to let her love and it is better that way?
u know how tough it is? and then when i go home, bunch of ppl watching TV. bunch of ppl who are not interested in my worldview. bunch of ppl who say my worldview is wrong and pathetic.
that's how i feel u know. YET I STILL COME HOME. when this is how i feel.
---------
mayb it's just all a systematic lack of communication over the years
mayb it's true that we are not listening to one another.
or that i m listening but there's no chance for me to speak. and that when i speak u don't hear.
ppl talking w/o speaking, ppl hearing w/o listening
maybe we just need more healing and stop expecting of each other.
but yet at the same time the same question. u do all these things. i know they are out of ur love and concern. but why are they so pre-meditated? they are supposed to b your expressions of love. but why in the end they are met with negativity? pls. think about it.
stop just playing the game of ought-ness.
look at the relational aspect. u say u look forward to my presence. u think i don't know? i know it. but u know it's tough. why isit that i don't look forward to it? instead i force myself to make it a point to b back home. and instead it is met with expectation than anticipation. u are excited for me to be back but it is not communicated. i don't know what to say.
u say it's very hurting. and i know as well. but how do i say things? the truth is u know i make so much conscious effort to reverse all the negativity. but why did they build up in the first place?
i said a lot of times we are not engaging one another. we are not engaging in the thoughts and emotions. instead we are just imposing our preferences on one another. do u not see the problem? u are not engaging in the thoughts. u are still dumping ur insecurity and wants on me. when u go for a trip or go to restaurant, it is upon the pretext of making me happy. but do i really want that? do i want spending of big bucks on things that don't matter to me?
things that actually mattered... somehow were never in your purview. u like my company i know it. but why does it feel like u were never keen on what i bothered? u may not hav time for all of us it's fine. but never showed explicit interest. u know i m trying to reverse all these imagined attitudes. but it's hard when all i see is that you start to talk about studies. and u don't acknowledge it. u don't acknowledge the tension here.
i said many times it's not about the task. it's relational problems here. who can't work? but i m at a state that i have zero motivation of working. i mean, why work? for what?
i don't know why all ur focus seem to be on me working. i really hate it. and u are not even understanding it. you are not acknowledging it. u say you are. but here's the problem. ARE YOU COMMUNICATING? i can hear it but i can't listen. i hate this lie about persevering on. what comes out of this perseverance? all failure. it's just failure. it may not be true. but it's so systematically built into me.
THERE'S NO COMMS. no comms at all. why do u keep focusing on the tasks???? it's not the tasks now. i have no mood. no matter how exciting the task is now, it's tough you know. it's tough to operate on such a mental state. i feel like as if i m going on a PhD just to fulfill your inner happiness. that sounds wrong all of a sudden.
more importantly.
why is it that now i m always making an effort then i can know? why don't u do it obviously? i hav no idea. why is it that as i say, all these things i know on hindsight? i know all your bringing me on trip and making good food is for me. but i find it weird. why can't we just lead a normal life?
honestly i m not stressed by work you know, no matter how much u tink i m. in fact at this time i don't even know how to articulate the problem any more. u say u don't want me to get into big school. u just want me to do what God wants me to do. i don't know. the truth is previous times all the junk u said comes into play. pls last time u were telling me try for them. TRY FOR THEM. these words echo around my brain u know. they are imprisoning me. it's something that i don't want because i know these places are cauldron. but u still hope that i can. what are u hoping for? i tink the issue is we are not spending the time to align our hopes.
u say go for holiday. sure i go for holiday with u. in the end what? it's all about making urself happy. hav u wondered, why are we not? because we are bored? because we are disengaged? honestly a mixture of both. i tink i m very disengaged. those things aren't my preferences. nowadays i don't even know where i want to go. when i was younger i'd rather just go run around. nowadays? i don't know. mayb enjoy the nite in the city and sit in a 24h cafe and rot.
but to u that's not holiday.
-----------
u see. there's so much misalignment. and u never bothered to align. u just want to do the stuff that u think is loving me. ah here maybe we are getting somewhere. u keep doing the stuff which u assume is loving me, but it is not being registered in my head as love. it is being registered in my head as u wanna do what u wan to do.
and that's y i feel like as if i m making an effort to let u love me. u tell me u love me thru these actions. now u listen to me. i m allowing myself to b loved by u. seriously. i m doing that u know? it is tough. but as a son to love u i m doing that. u know how tough it is? to consciously tell myself, ok my mum is being nice here let's do something that is totally not me to let her love and it is better that way?
u know how tough it is? and then when i go home, bunch of ppl watching TV. bunch of ppl who are not interested in my worldview. bunch of ppl who say my worldview is wrong and pathetic.
that's how i feel u know. YET I STILL COME HOME. when this is how i feel.
---------
mayb it's just all a systematic lack of communication over the years
mayb it's true that we are not listening to one another.
or that i m listening but there's no chance for me to speak. and that when i speak u don't hear.
ppl talking w/o speaking, ppl hearing w/o listening
maybe we just need more healing and stop expecting of each other.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
你永远不懂我伤悲，像白天不懂夜的黑。
i m like in a valley or a plateau, whichever it is. basically an echo-less place. i m asking for directions and help, and all i get pointed to is the prison in my mind.
i want to b out of this prison. i was a lot more free before this. what caused my downfall?
isit a lack of girlfriend? really? is it that simple? i tink it isn't that simple. over time i hav come to accept and realize and prefer that this is God's timing.
but the bigger challenge has come to hit my butt. after 3 years of not studying in the right manner and just prepping for tests... my smartness has reached the limit. i cannot cheat the system anymore. i can't be investing in bowling and Bible while being able to perform in the exam and assignment.
what the fuck?
and when these happen, i try to remedy the situation by... fucking presenteeism. i m in front of the com, all i can do is not work. i m just doubting my ability to produce and perform and understand content at a reasonable level. and in the end i waste time scaring myself and doubting. end up.. study nothing, do nothing, worry about everything...
and i m in this state now, once in a while i just feel like disappearing from the world. sometimes it's by ending my life, sometimes it's by disappearing and attracting excess attention for a moment. no one's listening.
or mayb it's just the ppl who matter who need to listen, and they aren't. instead i believe that they are just dumping their expectation on me, and not bothering to bother about my worries. interestingly, mayb it's just my mother only or sth. she isn't listening. she is just rationalizing everything away, assuming i m turning a bit mad cos i m young. but fuck. pls. can u fucking listen? can you fucking listen? i m not that science nerd u think of the whole day. i used to like math and science. but honestly, because it is easy. it was fucking easy to me. i don't think i like it cos i like it. they don't turn me on. honestly look at what i read after school and lessons. newspaper is a minimum. sports mayb. but another thing that interest me are all those weird discussion. societal problems; feminism; theological debates; morality debates; philosophical discussion; econ cynicism; rise and fall of capitalism etc. i don't know.
can u fucking stop pretending that i love science experiments? i think that's a serious problem. u assume i do and u can't accept that i have changed after few years in sch and my interactions. all u wanted to do from young is to control who i interact wif.
but i m sorry. who i met? cvcf staff worker; cvcf friends; fellowship friends. and all these ppl, it's not that they hate sci expt. is that we value something else more. which is God, and people. PEOPLE and GOD. not fucking material and physical shit. these things are your fucking comfort zone. u can't get out of it, because u are running from something... u are worried of handling the human portion is it? that's why u box up ur son in that scientific mindset?
mayb i shld stop being so cynical and imagining things. but that's true. i feel that she isn't listening. she has boxed me up. and she's doing nothing to help the situation.
luckily there are others who are listening, and are speaking life, instead of binding me via expectation and "preaching their own version of the law" and instead telling me to live by the Spirit. there's a difference between trying my best and working my ass off by my own strength, and working hard under the framework of living by the Spirit.
and mind u, honestly, the reason why i come home, is to live by the Spirit. if i don't love God i won't even come home. God tells me to honour my father and mother no matter how crappy they are. and honestly on surface they can be crappy emotionally. but i tell myself to practice Phil 4:8. it's not a reflex thing. it is a conscious 3 second later control mechanism, not the reflexive thing, no matter how sad u think i m. the truth is to live by the Spirit i always tell myself u have made whatever whatever physical prep for me to be back.
BUT I WLD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE, HONESTLY, U THINK THAT IS LOVE? ok b fair to u, that's ur version of love. fine. but i tell u that isn't what i "need". i don't know how to say it. it's not that i don't appreciate. it is that... whenever i m back... all i see is ppl watching TV and no one bothering about me. fucking sad u know.
all u do is work and expect that i come back and love u. u think i m robot? pls.
and all u speak in, is a language that is unenlightened. u speak through ur insecurity. u don't speak of the Spirit.
i have no wiser way to say something anymore. mayb u can rationalize away this as some temporal angst. but i tell u ever since april it is bursting out already. ever since that time u insinuate i m wasting my time away when actually i m suffering serious presenteeism, sitting at the com and worrying. and u are not even worried! instead u say why m i so dumb? i m suffering a serious mental problem and u not doing a shit to alleviate the situation.
o God, open our eyes and forgive our sins. teach us to speak words stemming from Your love than to shoot crap out of our weakness. let us speak words of life, words of the gospel, words of Your power to change one another. forgive us where we spoke of our weakness and limited understanding. teach us to speak out of faith and Your grace too.
i m like in a valley or a plateau, whichever it is. basically an echo-less place. i m asking for directions and help, and all i get pointed to is the prison in my mind.
i want to b out of this prison. i was a lot more free before this. what caused my downfall?
isit a lack of girlfriend? really? is it that simple? i tink it isn't that simple. over time i hav come to accept and realize and prefer that this is God's timing.
but the bigger challenge has come to hit my butt. after 3 years of not studying in the right manner and just prepping for tests... my smartness has reached the limit. i cannot cheat the system anymore. i can't be investing in bowling and Bible while being able to perform in the exam and assignment.
what the fuck?
and when these happen, i try to remedy the situation by... fucking presenteeism. i m in front of the com, all i can do is not work. i m just doubting my ability to produce and perform and understand content at a reasonable level. and in the end i waste time scaring myself and doubting. end up.. study nothing, do nothing, worry about everything...
and i m in this state now, once in a while i just feel like disappearing from the world. sometimes it's by ending my life, sometimes it's by disappearing and attracting excess attention for a moment. no one's listening.
or mayb it's just the ppl who matter who need to listen, and they aren't. instead i believe that they are just dumping their expectation on me, and not bothering to bother about my worries. interestingly, mayb it's just my mother only or sth. she isn't listening. she is just rationalizing everything away, assuming i m turning a bit mad cos i m young. but fuck. pls. can u fucking listen? can you fucking listen? i m not that science nerd u think of the whole day. i used to like math and science. but honestly, because it is easy. it was fucking easy to me. i don't think i like it cos i like it. they don't turn me on. honestly look at what i read after school and lessons. newspaper is a minimum. sports mayb. but another thing that interest me are all those weird discussion. societal problems; feminism; theological debates; morality debates; philosophical discussion; econ cynicism; rise and fall of capitalism etc. i don't know.
can u fucking stop pretending that i love science experiments? i think that's a serious problem. u assume i do and u can't accept that i have changed after few years in sch and my interactions. all u wanted to do from young is to control who i interact wif.
but i m sorry. who i met? cvcf staff worker; cvcf friends; fellowship friends. and all these ppl, it's not that they hate sci expt. is that we value something else more. which is God, and people. PEOPLE and GOD. not fucking material and physical shit. these things are your fucking comfort zone. u can't get out of it, because u are running from something... u are worried of handling the human portion is it? that's why u box up ur son in that scientific mindset?
mayb i shld stop being so cynical and imagining things. but that's true. i feel that she isn't listening. she has boxed me up. and she's doing nothing to help the situation.
luckily there are others who are listening, and are speaking life, instead of binding me via expectation and "preaching their own version of the law" and instead telling me to live by the Spirit. there's a difference between trying my best and working my ass off by my own strength, and working hard under the framework of living by the Spirit.
and mind u, honestly, the reason why i come home, is to live by the Spirit. if i don't love God i won't even come home. God tells me to honour my father and mother no matter how crappy they are. and honestly on surface they can be crappy emotionally. but i tell myself to practice Phil 4:8. it's not a reflex thing. it is a conscious 3 second later control mechanism, not the reflexive thing, no matter how sad u think i m. the truth is to live by the Spirit i always tell myself u have made whatever whatever physical prep for me to be back.
BUT I WLD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE, HONESTLY, U THINK THAT IS LOVE? ok b fair to u, that's ur version of love. fine. but i tell u that isn't what i "need". i don't know how to say it. it's not that i don't appreciate. it is that... whenever i m back... all i see is ppl watching TV and no one bothering about me. fucking sad u know.
all u do is work and expect that i come back and love u. u think i m robot? pls.
and all u speak in, is a language that is unenlightened. u speak through ur insecurity. u don't speak of the Spirit.
i have no wiser way to say something anymore. mayb u can rationalize away this as some temporal angst. but i tell u ever since april it is bursting out already. ever since that time u insinuate i m wasting my time away when actually i m suffering serious presenteeism, sitting at the com and worrying. and u are not even worried! instead u say why m i so dumb? i m suffering a serious mental problem and u not doing a shit to alleviate the situation.
o God, open our eyes and forgive our sins. teach us to speak words stemming from Your love than to shoot crap out of our weakness. let us speak words of life, words of the gospel, words of Your power to change one another. forgive us where we spoke of our weakness and limited understanding. teach us to speak out of faith and Your grace too.
Friday, May 06, 2016
不知为何有种怪怪的感觉。
everyone's hi and bye-ing, and i just feel like as if, did i miss something in these few years staying in a residential college community?
i don't really know why my better friends are probably the fellows and master and not the fellow students. why is there this weird rift?
maybe because i did not find the place that really engaged me at a deep level, intellectually or spiritually. or was it that i was lording over people for the longest time and never really took time off to intentionally connect. i don't really know. but the amalgamation of issues make me feel a little, idk. messy?
everyone's hi and bye-ing, and i just feel like as if, did i miss something in these few years staying in a residential college community?
i don't really know why my better friends are probably the fellows and master and not the fellow students. why is there this weird rift?
maybe because i did not find the place that really engaged me at a deep level, intellectually or spiritually. or was it that i was lording over people for the longest time and never really took time off to intentionally connect. i don't really know. but the amalgamation of issues make me feel a little, idk. messy?
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