my friend tell me think too much will 走火入魔

to some extent it's true. u overthink, and u over-worry. things that are not supposed to happen, unrealistic predictions will be conjured. you live in a state of paranoia. a state whereby everything makes too much sense, too much meaning.

but some rather live in the moment. get caught with the flow and follow it. u no need self-control in the sense, that all ur actions can be "with the flow". enjoy everything that comes, take things in your stride.

no idea. i rather that everything has a meaning. everything is deliberate. everything is thought through. preferably only tho... it's up to u to choose.

i believe the number of fb bday posts u get on ur wall is:

function of how many ppl sees the bday update + how many ppl bother about u + those who really know ur bday by heart + popularity. of which the first is probably the most impt? the rest are in random order.

every girl i know friend zone me.

every girl i chase says leave me be.

every guy i know says i 神经病

forever alone 是我的病

so the only person i can 100% be sure that loves me is god, as long as i love him. similarly, as long as i love something more than god, then god will probably fuck it up for me.

humans... i really wonder. every person has a different goal. if everyone sets their hearts upon the same aim, i believe great things can be done by a whole community, a whole group of like-minded people. great things can happen. it's juz whether ppl wan to find time and look to god together and get some guidance from there. everyone prefers themselves over god.

hence, god lets everyone be themselves. in the end, they will get absorbed by themselves; the more they get absorbed by themselves and wadeva they prefer over god, the more they want to be absorbed by themselves. from my reflection and interpretation (this one go and discern urself, dun believe me anyhow), hell is not about hellfire human burning wad shit.

god enjoys ppl burning? maybe he is sadistic to some.

to me, hell is a situation where a human prefers themselves over god. human get absorbed by wad they enjoy more than god. then they seek more of it. the more they seek of it, the less happy they get because they nid more of it to get satiated. think about money. a person wants money more than god. he find $1. not happy enuff. find $100. not happy enuff, wan fight for $100000. then still not enuff, wan more. hell is when u get absorbed in all this. when this happen, u feel the "hellfire" - u wan more of it, u can't find it, u feel miserable, fked up beyond all recognition. so did god create hellfire? i not sure. but i'm sure this can be the hellfire we ppl hav been talking about.

the other choice is there. choose god. god alr promise u, put him as centre of life, things will always be k, will b optimistic, will hav hope even in the shittiest of situation. u tink god like to mindfuck ppl? mayb he wan to mindfuck. i duno. but does he enjoy seeing ppl go find their own hellfire? i dun tink so. he has created a beautiful pathway for humans to go, but as human, we choose to act smart ma...

and end up in hellfire.

hav i ended up in temporary hellfire before? i guess many of times.

maybe to stop my 走火入魔，i just nid to start existing.

stop thinking.
start existing.
stop thinking.
start existing.

maybe then, i will lead a better life. but it's a 一去不回头 thing. once i start thinking, thoughts cannot b un-thought.

somebody help me

fkin self-centred bastard.

quite so. dun tink received much of a positive development from my father in terms of social skills and psychological development.

to tink i laughed so bloody loudly when i knew that my bro gf's father gave us royce, and much expensive goodies. instead of saying that i am so grateful and should give them sth back.

self-centred. that is me. after much reflection. idiot lei. probably dat is why i dun hav a gf. self-centred. everyting muz go according to my command. fkin hell.

today, i do know self-centredness. how to change? all the people around me alr know i am such a person. many guys around me dun rly care. many ppl dun rly bother. they only know i hav academic prowess and possess and autistic sense of resilience in the face of defeat.

fml. totally. i am self-centred, and ppl still bothering about me. those ppl who stop bothering about me, they send a good message to me. they should. because they are giving me the true worldview. all the rest, they juz... 敷衍 me? or isit juz can't bear to see me self-destruct? i believe there are a few who wants me to b gg-ed.

i tink it's a safe conclusion to sae, i better change b4 sth happens.

sometimes, i nid to hide my face somewhere, and juz wonder wad i'm doing.

blasting relationship wif girls one after another. is that rly smart? i dun tink so. haha. if i were mcp, i'd sae they are stupid not to see wad's good in me. but i probably can't afford such a thinking.

women. i rly wonder y i am looking for a gf. to some extent, i'm not looking for girlfren per se. i'm looking for potential wife. like ALREADY looking for potential wife at 20. is there anyting wrong? essentially no, theoretically no. but i tink it's prohibitively difficult for me to find one now. yea sure, hu'd willingly go for a date wif a guy hu only wants u as his super long term wife? i dun tink so. if i were a girl i may not even choose that, unless i wan a super stable and super nothing life. juz go wif the flow and live wif this cock of a guy.

so am i supposed to change? i rly wonder. i'm letting time do the change. and i'm juz hoping i wun get turned on so fast wif a girl. else it'd end up like so many others that i had b4. the story is probably i'd after 1 wk or 1 day or 1h of talking to a girl, get turned on, start to chase her, and phail thereafter.

good reflection for these past years. like seriously. if i realised this in sec sch, i may feel even better now. suck thumb, that i only get to find out now.

allow me a moment of 不要脸. if u know hu u are, which i believe u do, u dun rly hav to care. but if u are kaypoh to read this, i rly wonder why i'm still bothering about you. haha... be happy. i believe u can find it, like u nearly did. i'd probably feel v 满足 if u do.

i wonder why i'd only think about only 1 person.