i may not need many ppl around me to live.

but it's fkin pissing to me that when that sort of present season comes alot of ppl get much more than me and then they'll feel a need to show off. knnbccb.

HAHA. ijj.

i hav a reason to. fkin superficial relationships, but get much more returns. feel much more love.

it's k. i shall console myself i hav a greater love tho.

i dun believe it honestly. ppl dun wan to see wad they dowan to

my fren told me a story.

the main idea is this: if someone will never have the chance to understand, and he refuses to understand a fact or 道理, no point harping it and explaining it to him. it's only tantamount to 对牛弹琴.

so many... are like that... they refuse to understand truth. refuse to understand dat they are only fantasising, only imposing their realities on others. they are not interested in considering all perspectives, and they are fulfilled living such un-thought through lives.

it's k.

some hopes and dreams keep me going.

but, then again, they are only dreams and hopes.

i hope... i hope. i believed.

but it did not turn out to be what i envisioned. for the simple fact that because i believed... in something animate, sentient.

it'd be many times easier if i were dealing with something non-animate. something non-living. probably like bowling.

my strength is my weakness.

why i think more than 肤浅? not everyone loves deep. they love shallow.

the shallower the pleasure, the better it is. the more primitive the pleasure, the better it is.

the more fulfilling the pleasure, the more wholesome the pleasure, the less pleasurable it is.

we love quick fixes. we can't b bothered trying to analyse something more than simple, exploring our options.

but yet again we fail to realise others' perspective.

they love the shallow. mayb i shld giv it to them?

fuck this shit. i shld live in a cave...

i ask too many questions for my own good.

that's wad many ppl think.

but is staying conventional, conformist, normal, the way to go?

well consider myself quite low profile, cos the previous post when i said chief most ppl dun bother. chief din mean the chief as in service chief, but it means indian chief. who is any supposed boss anywhere.

funnily enuff, i find dat other ppl, they are not fren. no fren.

aku work fkin hard. even when they expect shit, i give them nice smelling shit, wif useful plants grown on the shit. most other ppl around me rather go by the slacker method. ppl expect shit, they giv tings like diarrhoea. or some even dun even giv a shit.

they're probably gonna carry such attitudes to their lives? i duno. some wldn't. but i'm quite sure a considerable percentage i.e. >30% wld carry such shitty attitude to their work.

well. they not my baby. why i care? but mayb i care 4 the whole state of society, dat's y. but sadly i'm not in any position to do anyting. do i look like i can make a guailan kia go back to normal, clean-loving life? i dun tink so.

i rather let my light shine in my own corner, for those near me to see. than to gey kiang and let whole world see my wrong light.

chief, can u wake up ur idea?

stop talking your shit... if u can talk big and make it big it's one issue. if u can talk big and make the small things happen for everyone, it's another story. can we stop telling the beautiful story that we know, and focus on BUILDING the beautiful story?

they definitely forgot how this whole thing was built.

if this was built on talk, we're dead.

we're talking about dead men, sweat, blood. brain juice even. this is what things are built on. if u show no respect for the dead, i'm not going to show u any respect. hello.

these things, we didn't even care of last time. now that we recognise it, are we putting in conscious effort to do any recognition?

不能是情人就让思念自生自灭 ...

much time has passed. still wondering wad i've missed out. still wondering whether i'm conducting myself properly. still wondering... if this shld b the way i shld b living my life.

wad am i looking for? to be honest. wad am i craving? isit some material thing? isit some intangible? isit revolving about others? isit revolving about other temptations?

thou mofo.

do less, talk much, backstab, talk bad. and sae until as if it is to allow for ppl to do less and achieve more.

in fact, it's all such lousy thinking that gets everyone fucked. do i rly believe u?

but sadly, at the end of the day u may wield alot of support. y worry? ur conscience... i wonder. who u answer to? u answer to only simplicity.

well. after a while, getting abit more used to stuff.

no choice. sometimes you'll see the light. relax. why b so hiong?

we hav to do wad we need to do. more than that, mayb we're really interested. or mayb we're really ok wif doing abit more. or mayb, we need to show off to others that we really can be that hiong.

but...sometimes i see past it. no need to act. no need to do more juz to look like i'm damn good? i look good, mayb sometimes it's cos i'm really good.

sadly in life, others choose to b cynical. they'd think, knn la... why this dat this dat. sometimes, it's really this dat dis dat. bo bian wad. i oso kena this dat. how shld we handle it, it's up to ourselves. i see many taking it upon their lives. i see many taking it upon others. is there a nid to blame someting for a failure? is there something to blame. the word is BLAME. need? i dun see it.

if u could prevent the failure, u wld not blame others. if u didn't, dun blame others.

let us not act too great, by putting some blame and claiming thereafter we're helping.

i've resigned to my fate so much that i rather take all the punishments i can take in the last 3 months of service than to do a proper job. i rather be taking every single weekend duty than to toil hard in the weekday. tink about it, sit down, eat free food, blow free air con, have free tv. wad better punishment is there? it's better than sitting in front of my own working terminal and doing something that no one really give a proper, serious damn.

mutiny. lead a humble, and small mutiny. wad for? why we work hard? did someone recognize me for working hard? or am i being used by the bigger system?

the big scheme of things is beautiful. who doesn't know? i know.

but who is making the big scheme of things beautiful? higher hq never takes an active role. they just expect their subordinates to do it. when subordinates don't, who suffer? fellow subordinates? the people on the ground. can i call the hotlines? i should. i am suffering from nothing. seriously.

how can one suffer from nothing? that is difficult. haha....

admittedly, i hate anarchy. it does not bring about a sense of unity. there's only strife, individualistic fighting.

i definitely prefer working in a place where hierachy is put in place. however... if hierachy is not used properly there is totally no use.

do the bosses care for their employees? are views from a team heard by a team leader?

how do we ensure everyone is well taken care of even within a hierachial system? honggan lo. it's not difficult.

human's natural tendency is to be selfish. self-centred. if we see past that, it's good. but i can't expect much anyways.

they lucky bastards.

多做多错，少做少错。true story.

due to intangible ways to measure output, it is quite obvious that those who do less will be in the spotlight less and hence they will make less mistakes and possibly get promoted even faster.

honestly thou fucker, didst thou use thy brain to analyse and see why such faults can happen?

in the first place u never even did a proper coaching. then u did not have any chance to scrutinise our stuff. then when crunch time comes u start to throw stones at us. it's alright, since i did not perform, then it's my own problem.

the more i think about it, the more epic it gets.

fellow brethren in christ, if you have the knowledge, share it. if you have the love, spread it. need you resort to scare tactics? i never. but i probably had the things done. you think it wasn't. what should you be correcting?

mindset. alright, impose certain guidelines. sure, impose the new guidelines, but definitely not expect me to pre-empt your guidelines rite? haha...

aiya. no fight. we know who's the winner, and who's the loser. but who is being progressive?

http://9gag.com/gag/4818142

i nauseate.

the world... does not know what they're doing. at least it seems to me.

play play, fun fun, that's the only thing on the agenda of people's life. family? maybe. community? who cares. organisation? i'm a small fry. nation? got use meh?

that's their responses. who today gives a fuck about the bigger picture? ppl claim to give "love". what is this love i am seeing? teaching ppl to lose themselves in music, alcohol, money? without actually thinking about real societal growth, societal output?

i am nauseating.

it is really something worth regurgitating to. the ppl at the top... spare little thought for the people working at the lowest income bracket. tell me, which boss bothers about just another worker which earns more than 5x less than his pay?

today we talk about service. service to the community. service to the poor. service to the needy, service to the rich. service to the nation. service to the mankind. i tell u, a big population of such people actually serve THEMSELVES. SELF-SERVING.

fuck you. honestly. fuck all of you. maybe including me. let's admit it, we as humans are selfish. but should we let our human, fallible nature run our bodies and courses of life? fkin hell, take ownership and do something. do something for the people around you. are you feeling them? you see, but you do not observe. we hear, but do not listen. and many a time, we talk but we do not speak and engage in meaningful conversation. it isn't a dialogue and exchange of ideas; it is 2 monologues facing each other.

i am not the best at empathy. but i believe there is a need to make everyone feel like they are part of a family. there must be black sheep present. but for now, i see myself as a fkin black sheep. the rest are white. and white, because they are unwilling to think more than themselves. from all walks of life, all rungs of the ladder. they are fkin unwilling. they do not see it as a point to consider more than their small circle of family and some random friends.

yes, my friends may be random and useless too. but at least we come around and see, dream, and in our small corner execute wad we can to make the lives of ppl better. what we face? bunch of ppl who 无动于衷. they do not see a need. they don't appreciate. when asked, are u doing a better job? honestly. ask ur conscience. at least there's ppl trying, and u're juz watching the show while accruing digits in ur bank account.

yea sure, money. we love possessions. is that the only thing dat we shld crave? blessing on earth comes from above. there's no blessing, more likely than not god noe u can suck it up.

at least i noe myself, i am doing it. loyalty to the big picture, the true picture, the confident picture, the definite picture. rather than loyalty to money, loyalty to pretty girls, loyalty to booze, loyalty to sex, loyalty to k-pop, loyalty to meaninglessness and loyalty to self.

it's a national thing. trust me. from young we are taught, 你读书是为自己的前途美好. why aren't we taught, 你今天读书，未来为社会、 人类有所贡献? in the end, where we need people who are willing to work amicably and in a conciliatory manner, we have ppl sucking balls, fucking each other, backstabbing each other, and trading sexual favours.

hello.

incentive to improve, to learn, to progress.

not found everywhere. especially not found within certain zones in big organisations.

who really wants to break away from a comfortable status quo? i oso dowan. most ppl don't bother about staying at status quo. no progress, juz suck the money.

holding higher appointments just mean more work. some ppl love to juz sit on a pay scale and do nothing about it.

some want to, but can't do anything. really? really can't do anything? there is a way to do things if one wants to. it's juz whether it's worth doing so. if it's my career, i wld definitely say so. if it's my obligation, definitely sitting on the money is a better choice.

haha... say i'm selfish. but case in point - who isn't? the altruist is selfless for a selfish reason - he/she feels accomplished/good/etc being altruistic.

out for a swim.

feels better than ever. haven't touched swimming pool for a long time.

but the fact i was alone... haha... i wonder. mayb shld hav stayed at home and relack at tv.

i wonder. is this wad i want? or shld i ask from another perspective: why society decide to isolation on me?

but when i look at things from another angle - do i want to mix around wif those existential live in the moment ppl? they are supposed to be fun.

am i looking for fun? duno lei. prob not.

i'm looking to learn. enjoy knowledge. enjoy god. mayb i shld look for some humans who think the same. but many don't. they want to enjoy enjoyment.

Lord, remember, i'm human, and humans forget. so remind me dear lord.

they really... bad one. slowly, i'm losing my grip. losing my motivations. looks like it's time to hand over properly. hav been tanking lots of shit. u can't blame below for they can't help anyway. it's the top. they do not know what they do.

father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. but guide them. guide them.

well...

i love to ask the question. who am i? who are we? what are we, in the bigger scheme of things? some would say there isn't a bigger scheme of things. there's only themselves.

ppl work, to make themselves happy. to fill their pockets. or there's some obligation for humans or tangible stuff.

i duno. nothing wrong. nothing deadly. definitely there are some who dun bother to work, when they're required to do so they feel like the person employing them owes them a living, a life.

but something feels wrong when we only look for cheap rewards. i oso look for cheap rewards. but it doesn't seem right. what we do, we affect others. we can contribute to other's life meaningfully, we can also be another stumbling block.

己所不欲，勿施于人。dun do unto others wad u dowan them to do unto u. here i see everyone bullying, shuffing things down others throats, and not feeling a shit. bitch plz, the more u do that, the more u find i suck things down my throats and giv u shit.

loyalty to country. serious. loyalty to country some say. but wad are 60% of them loyal to? their own incomes. their own realities. they are not loyal to the country. i may not b loyal to the country in a fanatic sense. at least i do my part - i try to b loyal to the ppl i serve, both above and below. what happens when that happens? loyalty is abused.

in the bigger scheme of things, what is important? the people, their motivation, their trust? or isit one's reputation, one's rank, one's ass to cover, one's income? are u selfish, or are u doing something great for everyone else?

it's time to think about it.

if selfish, juz declare. each human has his right to be selfish at times. i will not fault u.

i will fault u, if u r selfish and u r definitely cognizant about it, and do not want to admit it.

i can't help but to whine.

yea sure, for what? they are probably better choices than me.

许多故事有伤心的理由。最后我的故事在你爱情里。。。我被遗忘。

yea. i was just a passing by? maybe. hopefully, there had been some positive effects.

if there weren't, hopefully it wasn't that negative. i apologise if there were.

wadeva.

i don't see it. they supposed to look for? potential person who'd they can spend their lives with?

since i'm not a potential person, i shall go look for potential objects that i can spend my life with. time to turn into a loser man. haha...

realities are as such. as i type, i juz encountered a good joke. counting back, now someone even wan to try to act as if certain events never took place. like sure bo? sure bo?

they enjoy lying to me though. telling me there is hope. there are others. it may be my warped negative thinking logic, but really, that's all i see is that i phailure. total phailure.

undependable fucktard. unfeeling bastard. selfish self-serving idiot. that's all i've been seen as.

is that really me i wonder? not impossible.

juz had the inspiration.

since jesus did not force anyone to follow him, den i shall not force anyone too. juz as he only tried to convince others, who may or may not believe, i shld do my part.

haha... balls to those who are coercing ppl through positive or negative methods. disgusting.

not very good...

juz for shiok.

bitch plz 451 haha

score 100% for effort and meaning, 0% for impression.

discouraged. naturally discouraged at my place. no one motivates u. u dun see anyone working. u only see discouraged, disillusioned ppl. or at least, that is my view. that is wad i see.

and why i see that? definitely, i haven't seen any positives. only glimmer, light at end of tunnel feelings. hai.

differentiation between need and want: there are no black and white rules.

yea. black and white.

i shld learn how to play grey. but rmb, play grey. can. who to trust? beware. who to not trust? take note. who i can depend on and will not let me down? haha...

some definitely will let me down. some 得寸进尺. some will take advantage of wad i sae and use it back against me. it is up to me to balance. the easiest way to live life is not to help anyone, and hav no one to help you back. but i guess this is not the way many ppl live. many ppl prefer the darkness. they love playing in darkness.

i haven't been brought up in darkness. i've been brought up in the light, and people who use light to fight against darkness. and so far they have been successful in shining through the darkness. i wonder why i'm not.

i'll see where to take it from. do i need to exercise grey? i don't NEED to. no one insists i need to. if i live liddat, it's a life of favours. i do not like this sort of shitty uncertainties. i'm not v impressed with people who exercise grey. they tink going behind the back of others to work miracles makes others happy, and it's the one and only way to do so.

and there's a bunch who hav insatiable desires. they call it need. that's their perspective. but from a conscience wise, do they really NEED it? for example, do i NEED to go bowling? no. i don't need to go bowling. i don't believe they need it seriously.

my friend tell me think too much will 走火入魔

to some extent it's true. u overthink, and u over-worry. things that are not supposed to happen, unrealistic predictions will be conjured. you live in a state of paranoia. a state whereby everything makes too much sense, too much meaning.

but some rather live in the moment. get caught with the flow and follow it. u no need self-control in the sense, that all ur actions can be "with the flow". enjoy everything that comes, take things in your stride.

no idea. i rather that everything has a meaning. everything is deliberate. everything is thought through. preferably only tho... it's up to u to choose.

i believe the number of fb bday posts u get on ur wall is:

function of how many ppl sees the bday update + how many ppl bother about u + those who really know ur bday by heart + popularity. of which the first is probably the most impt? the rest are in random order.

every girl i know friend zone me.

every girl i chase says leave me be.

every guy i know says i 神经病

forever alone 是我的病

so the only person i can 100% be sure that loves me is god, as long as i love him. similarly, as long as i love something more than god, then god will probably fuck it up for me.

humans... i really wonder. every person has a different goal. if everyone sets their hearts upon the same aim, i believe great things can be done by a whole community, a whole group of like-minded people. great things can happen. it's juz whether ppl wan to find time and look to god together and get some guidance from there. everyone prefers themselves over god.

hence, god lets everyone be themselves. in the end, they will get absorbed by themselves; the more they get absorbed by themselves and wadeva they prefer over god, the more they want to be absorbed by themselves. from my reflection and interpretation (this one go and discern urself, dun believe me anyhow), hell is not about hellfire human burning wad shit.

god enjoys ppl burning? maybe he is sadistic to some.

to me, hell is a situation where a human prefers themselves over god. human get absorbed by wad they enjoy more than god. then they seek more of it. the more they seek of it, the less happy they get because they nid more of it to get satiated. think about money. a person wants money more than god. he find $1. not happy enuff. find $100. not happy enuff, wan fight for $100000. then still not enuff, wan more. hell is when u get absorbed in all this. when this happen, u feel the "hellfire" - u wan more of it, u can't find it, u feel miserable, fked up beyond all recognition. so did god create hellfire? i not sure. but i'm sure this can be the hellfire we ppl hav been talking about.

the other choice is there. choose god. god alr promise u, put him as centre of life, things will always be k, will b optimistic, will hav hope even in the shittiest of situation. u tink god like to mindfuck ppl? mayb he wan to mindfuck. i duno. but does he enjoy seeing ppl go find their own hellfire? i dun tink so. he has created a beautiful pathway for humans to go, but as human, we choose to act smart ma...

and end up in hellfire.

hav i ended up in temporary hellfire before? i guess many of times.

maybe to stop my 走火入魔，i just nid to start existing.

stop thinking.
start existing.
stop thinking.
start existing.

maybe then, i will lead a better life. but it's a 一去不回头 thing. once i start thinking, thoughts cannot b un-thought.

somebody help me

fkin self-centred bastard.

quite so. dun tink received much of a positive development from my father in terms of social skills and psychological development.

to tink i laughed so bloody loudly when i knew that my bro gf's father gave us royce, and much expensive goodies. instead of saying that i am so grateful and should give them sth back.

self-centred. that is me. after much reflection. idiot lei. probably dat is why i dun hav a gf. self-centred. everyting muz go according to my command. fkin hell.

today, i do know self-centredness. how to change? all the people around me alr know i am such a person. many guys around me dun rly care. many ppl dun rly bother. they only know i hav academic prowess and possess and autistic sense of resilience in the face of defeat.

fml. totally. i am self-centred, and ppl still bothering about me. those ppl who stop bothering about me, they send a good message to me. they should. because they are giving me the true worldview. all the rest, they juz... 敷衍 me? or isit juz can't bear to see me self-destruct? i believe there are a few who wants me to b gg-ed.

i tink it's a safe conclusion to sae, i better change b4 sth happens.

sometimes, i nid to hide my face somewhere, and juz wonder wad i'm doing.

blasting relationship wif girls one after another. is that rly smart? i dun tink so. haha. if i were mcp, i'd sae they are stupid not to see wad's good in me. but i probably can't afford such a thinking.

women. i rly wonder y i am looking for a gf. to some extent, i'm not looking for girlfren per se. i'm looking for potential wife. like ALREADY looking for potential wife at 20. is there anyting wrong? essentially no, theoretically no. but i tink it's prohibitively difficult for me to find one now. yea sure, hu'd willingly go for a date wif a guy hu only wants u as his super long term wife? i dun tink so. if i were a girl i may not even choose that, unless i wan a super stable and super nothing life. juz go wif the flow and live wif this cock of a guy.

so am i supposed to change? i rly wonder. i'm letting time do the change. and i'm juz hoping i wun get turned on so fast wif a girl. else it'd end up like so many others that i had b4. the story is probably i'd after 1 wk or 1 day or 1h of talking to a girl, get turned on, start to chase her, and phail thereafter.

good reflection for these past years. like seriously. if i realised this in sec sch, i may feel even better now. suck thumb, that i only get to find out now.

allow me a moment of 不要脸. if u know hu u are, which i believe u do, u dun rly hav to care. but if u are kaypoh to read this, i rly wonder why i'm still bothering about you. haha... be happy. i believe u can find it, like u nearly did. i'd probably feel v 满足 if u do.

i wonder why i'd only think about only 1 person.

ownership.

sth that we all wanna feel for ourselves.

fkin hell. now i c why there's a whole bunch of ppl hu wanna play rather than work. fkin cb. i tell u, u go tink about it. which parent from young will teach a child to go play instead of studying for test? u wan to make a child study, can. make him fail all his tests and then one day he fkin realises that he nids to study (shld i sae work hard to hone a skill) minimally before he can succeed in any sector in the society.

why i feel 0 motivation to go and apply my scholarships or think seriously about a job? i've never been given ownership of wad i do. u tink i really love to study v hard? i dun tink so. i dun feel the ownership in studying. my mother ask me apply scholarship. my father ask me go find wad i wan to do. yea sure bro, find wad i wan to do? bowling, slacking. cos these are the tings they dun tell me to do, but i do and get moderately ok doing them. i feel ownership. i feel like i built up the skills through my own hard work instead of someone's nagging. that's why i feel good doing those.

studying? sure, it gets me much positive attention from peers and teachers. but, fuck it. do i really feel as much pride in it as my 26th qual position in graded B? i dun tink so seriously. why so? cos, in our society, 99.9% (good estimate seriously) of ppl are asked by their parents to study. study as in academic, not even vocational tings. they dun really care about vocational stuff like seriously. i can cook, is that impt in many ppl eyes? no. i can make a good movie. is that impt in many ppl eyes here?

next, why i dun wana study. or hav less incentive to study seriously. my family is secretly financially secure. dat's wad i found out rather recently (mayb 3-5yr ago?). like seriously, i study for wad? i study liao my parents can support themselves. i study got use meh? 富不过三代. quite true. i'm the only 2nd gen of financial security. and i'm already taking such attitudes. i work hard, seriously my son/daughter can make it? haha. i wonder. in fact, mayb i wun even hav a child.

once again, study for wad? i mean, take scholarship for wad? public job really dat good? i'm still wondering.... is it the choice? is it THE choice? private sector may hav as much jobs requiring a pre-requisite of undergrad student, which is more challenging than some gov't jobs which can turn into a disillusionment. fuck it.

tink about it, i type so much. but no one reads this ting. haha. let it rot... someone hu sees this giv a pm to my msn or email or fb. mayb i nid serious counselling.

in every area of society, muz hav some idiots to make our mood foul.

some ppl really make u lose faith in the organisation, in the fraternity.

let me take an extreme example. islam. why ppl hav the impression islam sux? cos of bunch of terrorist. that's 简介 speaking. islam actly if u go study the doctrines it is also quite pure wad.

similar idea. when comes to wad i'm doing now, there muz b some guailan kia abusing their power to ka jiao others. really, is that very fun? i dun personally think so. why not everyone behave in a responsible manner, in a helpful manner, in a way that is constructive instead of a very reactive manner? fked up right? everyone only react to situations instead of taking a few pre-emptive measures and initiative? knn.

initiative. i dun really ask for much. but, plz la, do ur job properly, nth go wrong.

when it comes to dota, similarly, the same ting is happening. i am losing faith. bunch of idiots who when they win, will make noise, when they lose, they oso make noise. honestly la. win liao, like as if you have won wcg competition. lose liao, oso nid to sae hacking and using cheats. haha.

necessary? i dun tink so. but since u tink it's such an integral part of ur gaming life, plz go ahead. stand up straight out of ur online avatar in the real world. i want to c who u r. in this type of gaming, we can see what sort of person u are, and more importantly since everyting is virtual and more unrealistic than a sport, we can see the perversion in certain ppl's mind. fkin hell. i wun b surprised if man were so tempted by evil than by good. i have seen enuff everywhere wrt such perversion.

hence mayb i shld juz stick to sport. cos if someone nid to fight, he really has to.

i tink it'll be a v good choice if i were to turn gay.

firstly, i probably stop worrying wad women tink of me. whether i'm a stable guy, a smart guy, a nice guy, resilient. i dun hav to care wad they think anymore. in any case, they alr dun really bother, y i try to make more effort?

secondly, i am rather positive i am seen in a positive light by more men than women. fkin hell, all women can only see me as a weird guy. or mayb i haven't met one who thinks i am normal. as for guys, they noe i am steady, i am alright, i am tanker, i expect highly of myself etc. women can only sae this fkin egotistic bastard.

thirdly, there will be the thrill of being gay, cos it's not accepted by society. so it's like a "hide and seek". of my relationship status. tink about it, since gay is still illegal and a taboo in singapore, if i become one, den got 刺激感.

ya sure. like as if it'll work. knn. mayb i shld juz shuddup and live life. but too bad, i am super conscious of my own self.

if i know upon a strike on the next game, i book a place in the finals, fufufuf....

i probably will shout sth. wad comes out? i not sure. in wad language? i duno. probably not vulgar.

by a simplistic psychological analysis, i reckon i'm really a inferior friend. (the below analysis may be a little sexist, but anw, for the sake of discussion, i shall air it anyway)

here i shall try to, as coherently as possible, describe my means of judgement:

women generally tend to make more "surface" friends than men. take for example a social function, they will engage in much more small talk as compared to men. moreover, they will refrain from openly badmouthing each other when they are in the presence of each other and more people. say, female A and B. A is more socially established than B. when A and B meet, they probably will not say things like "u're ugly/fat/idioitc". conversations more like A tell B "you're cool, that's nice, interesting career!!" even though B is doing a job as a rubbish collector. honestly. this is wad i observed.

i dunno the above-mentioned phenomenon's exact term. but women are less willing to jeopardise their relationship wif each other in a direct manner. they will only backstab each other. for example, using the above example where B has a job as rubbish collector. in front of B, A will never say something back. but when A meets another group of friends who may or may not know about B, A has a high chance of saying B is a cui and is a failure to society etc.

so to say, women will try to appear zai and friendly, while actually they may want to gain that social edge above others. in my opinion.

men are less likely to withhold these comments. assume a guy called D ends up as a  rubbish collector due to failure in sch and C is a male random office worker, who does not have a gd impression of D. when C meets D in a social setting, C most likely will trash talk D like sae hey bro how's rubbish 2day? and maybe say something even more impolite.

that's a little drifting from the point. but anyway, i reckon i may be an inferior friend to women. why? hav many occasions, they start to ignore me. haha. if i were socially desirable, i dun tink they will ignore me. if they dare to ignore me, meaning i am less socially established, and from wad i noe they may juz easily talk a lot of bad about me without my knowledge. u c, females don't usually directly jeopardise relationship with others. since now, women directly jeopardise the relationship between me and her, it means something. and why will a girl resort to direct methods to ignore me, which is as good as telling me "u're a piece of crap"? why will a girl dare to do it? by my analysis, probably cos i'm not socially established, nt desirable to the crowd of ppl that they are looking to impress.

i'm not too surprised. i seem to b associated with socially undesirable personnel more often than not. but, haha, seriously la. if wan play socially desirable and establishment, up to them. all i can sae, my conscience is clear. clear. wan fight? i bring u to police after u whack me. another thing. where's ur confidence? going around wif me, really 见不得人？ up to them to say again. hm.

juz fyi, i dun believe everyone needs to become socially desirable before he/she will get married in a loving relationship. HAHA. up to all ur choices. it's juz that the wedding less ppl attend nia. is that wad women need? attention, great impression, ppl to see u as fren? really? i'm not totally confident. i believe u can live wif less than 10 friends. the rest can be acquaintances for all i care. close friends and a tightly-knit family is probably more important than 1000 useless not-close friends.

quick overview of my downfalls. i don't think it's academics. i don't think it's sports. i don't think it's music. i don't think it's attitude. i don't think there's any great great personality flaw. but, i reckon it's words.

an overview of my downfalls, u can guess wad i'm talking about:

- we are frens
- don't think we can be more than frens
- i won't settle for a friend
- i think it shldn't go on
- u're just not the one
- stop pestering me
- just leave me alone

my best qn. really? really? really?

language. language is but a subset of communication. what i say, may not be what i mean. i say u're a friend, i may mean u're actually a piece of shit. or i can sae u're really shitty, but i'm actually caring about u and giving u advice. when i say it's cold, it may not be the ambient temperature. i may be talking about a person's heart.

rite or not? if words coming out from my mouth is A, i may mean B, and subconsciously my intention is C.

mayb i muz stick religiously to my diode theory. but i do remember that, when the voltage is too high, the current rises disproportionately. and this can cause short circuits. and when the fuse breaks, the only way to do it is to replace with a new fuse. i reckon i have broken the fuse too many times, albeit not due to voltage. it's due to me forcing current by an alternate circuit. haha.

from my knowledge, it is not as often that a girl will initiate a breakup with a guy after >2years of relationship. assume a relationship where they fondle around for long enuff (may or may not include sex), and the guy is also very loving and devoted.

i hypothesise that, for her to initiate break up, den she must hav turned slutty. nid to hav 2 men instead of 1. or go for hotter man. (heck cases of the guy being unfaithful and fking other ladies.) from a psychological point of view, there is strong partnership bonds formed in the brain, and certain chemical triggers which are accustomised to touch and sense and feel with the guy. if she leaves this guy for another guyno.2, she may not be able to fully recreate the sensations and euphoria.

another hypothesis is that, men may be marginally better off in such a breakup, cos i reckon easier to hav the euphoria of love. and for men, it's easier to heck the differences. for women, harder. that's wad i tink. but i hav not enuff psychological reasoning as well as knowledge to back this statement. so if u're feelin kind, u can type sth.

as a commissioned officer of the saf.

but it kips me wondering. i very big meh? i'm still a dog of my boss. haha.

but not every offcier see it this way. some think they are big. like so? big is big. but remember, u know little. so i really despise those ppl (last time, or those holding on to old school thought without new age rationality) who are in training institutes or units who giv others a poor quality experience and time.

i shall try not to be such a person. everyone must maximise the use of their time both in work and in reflection and in play.