why must it be that only when shit hit the fan then all these important things are spoken?

but yet at the same time the same question. u do all these things. i know they are out of ur love and concern. but why are they so pre-meditated? they are supposed to b your expressions of love. but why in the end they are met with negativity? pls. think about it.

stop just playing the game of ought-ness.

look at the relational aspect. u say u look forward to my presence. u think i don't know? i know it. but u know it's tough. why isit that i don't look forward to it? instead i force myself to make it a point to b back home. and instead it is met with expectation than anticipation. u are excited for me to be back but it is not communicated. i don't know what to say.

u say it's very hurting. and i know as well. but how do i say things? the truth is u know i make so much conscious effort to reverse all the negativity. but why did they build up in the first place?

i said a lot of times we are not engaging one another. we are not engaging in the thoughts and emotions. instead we are just imposing our preferences on one another. do u not see the problem? u are not engaging in the thoughts. u are still dumping ur insecurity and wants on me. when u go for a trip or go to restaurant, it is upon the pretext of making me happy. but do i really want that? do i want spending of big bucks on things that don't matter to me?

things that actually mattered... somehow were never in your purview. u like my company i know it. but why does it feel like u were never keen on what i bothered? u may not hav time for all of us it's fine. but never showed explicit interest. u know i m trying to reverse all these imagined attitudes. but it's hard when all i see is that you start to talk about studies. and u don't acknowledge it. u don't acknowledge the tension here.

i said many times it's not about the task. it's relational problems here. who can't work? but i m at a state that i have zero motivation of working. i mean, why work? for what?

i don't know why all ur focus seem to be on me working. i really hate it. and u are not even understanding it. you are not acknowledging it. u say you are. but here's the problem. ARE YOU COMMUNICATING? i can hear it but i can't listen. i hate this lie about persevering on. what comes out of this perseverance? all failure. it's just failure. it may not be true. but it's so systematically built into me.

THERE'S NO COMMS. no comms at all. why do u keep focusing on the tasks???? it's not the tasks now. i have no mood. no matter how exciting the task is now, it's tough you know. it's tough to operate on such a mental state. i feel like as if i m going on a PhD just to fulfill your inner happiness. that sounds wrong all of a sudden.

more importantly.

why is it that now i m always making an effort then i can know? why don't u do it obviously? i hav no idea. why is it that as i say, all these things i know on hindsight? i know all your bringing me on trip and making good food is for me. but i find it weird. why can't we just lead a normal life?

honestly i m not stressed by work you know, no matter how much u tink i m. in fact at this time i don't even know how to articulate the problem any more. u say u don't want me to get into big school. u just want me to do what God wants me to do. i don't know. the truth is previous times all the junk u said comes into play. pls last time u were telling me try for them. TRY FOR THEM. these words echo around my brain u know. they are imprisoning me. it's something that i don't want because i know these places are cauldron. but u still hope that i can. what are u hoping for? i tink the issue is we are not spending the time to align our hopes.

u say go for holiday. sure i go for holiday with u. in the end what? it's all about making urself happy. hav u wondered, why are we not? because we are bored? because we are disengaged? honestly a mixture of both. i tink i m very disengaged. those things aren't my preferences. nowadays i don't even know where i want to go. when i was younger i'd rather just go run around. nowadays? i don't know. mayb enjoy the nite in the city and sit in a 24h cafe and rot.

but to u that's not holiday.
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u see. there's so much misalignment. and u never bothered to align. u just want to do the stuff that u think is loving me. ah here maybe we are getting somewhere. u keep doing the stuff which u assume is loving me, but it is not being registered in my head as love. it is being registered in my head as u wanna do what u wan to do.

and that's y i feel like as if i m making an effort to let u love me. u tell me u love me thru these actions. now u listen to me. i m allowing myself to b loved by u. seriously. i m doing that u know? it is tough. but as a son to love u i m doing that. u know how tough it is? to consciously tell myself, ok my mum is being nice here let's do something that is totally not me to let her love and it is better that way?

u know how tough it is? and then when i go home, bunch of ppl watching TV. bunch of ppl who are not interested in my worldview. bunch of ppl who say my worldview is wrong and pathetic.

that's how i feel u know. YET I STILL COME HOME. when this is how i feel.
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mayb it's just all a systematic lack of communication over the years
mayb it's true that we are not listening to one another.
or that i m listening but there's no chance for me to speak. and that when i speak u don't hear.
ppl talking w/o speaking, ppl hearing w/o listening
maybe we just need more healing and stop expecting of each other.