i always wonder whether i m a fucked up son or that my parents had some big parenting mistakes somewhere.

apparently i rmb my mother saying that knowing how to love parents is a given. i am going to question that. is that true?

in my opinion, when growing up, all i was taught was to... sadly, do all things for my own good. (honour God is part of that picture, NOT the over-arching framework.) sure, what happened? became ultra-competitive, trying to outshine my older brother in level of "happening"-ness; masturbated and watch porn like crazy, cos it actually improves my "creativity", whatever that logic meant at that time and improves productivity (or maybe cos there was a competition: who cld wank more times in a day? or produce more cum?); worked hard to get good results; tried real damn hard (but failed) to impress any girls. yea. i was taught to be a studious person, and work for my own future good. but wells. i don't know if u count the above good.

but thank God, He changed these things for good. i realized porn was enslaving, and now am in the process of unwinding the process; i hate myself for chasing knowledge without proper understanding of income inequalities and chasing grades for selfish purposes; i saw that all these can be done in the sight of God and glory be given to Him.

but funnily enuff there's a part of me that hasn't really changed. since secondary sch... i my worldviews started diverging from my parents'... they seemed to like me going overseas to study. and i find that stifling. in fact, i find that whatever they say is extremely stifling. they choke me. i feel that whatever they say are just expectation after expectation. and i hate living up to it. i find that to be able to live up to those expectations, i need to become a fake person just to do so. i hated those expectations. i can't even begin to explain how much i find these expectations unnecessary, unsettling and stifling. they cause me to rot and hate my existence.

but they never really understood. even till now, i kind of assume that it is their secret fetish to send me overseas to MIT or some other big school. maybe even Cambridge. but for what? does going there achieve God's will? yes, i'd consider going these places. for theology. for engineering? don't choke me. i will only go unless God clearly gives me an indication. i will never go there to fulfill another's dream. i know that going to these places, i can't even cope with the stress.

and oh yes. did i just forget to say that, nearly half a year ago, i was stressed till i wanted to commit suicide? probably i didn't mention that somewhere. but i do seriously think after analysis with counsellor, that part of the reason i wanted to commit suicide was simply because... it is getting hard to bear. the expectations from scholarship; the expectations from at home to produce results; and partly how i can face up to others from my social circle (although i hav resolved this by being honest and vulnerable about suicide).

and now they still "encourage" me to... MIT, or suicide? i m not sure honestly.

pls label me as weak, unfilial etc. pls go ahead to do so. and hate me. pls hate me. because, i hate these of myself as well. i hate every part of me which is ungodly.

but honestly... upon deeper analysis wif help of my counsellor and friends, do i love my parents? yes i do. in fact i try really hard to figure out how to love them.

but i find that they never really realize this. i try to come home in the hope that they will speak to me, all i see are people obsessed, or to be fair, enslaved to their work. they can't stop working. and i know it's tough. it's tough to do their job, managing at a considerably high level. it's difficult. but hello, shall we by the power of God, lean on His Spirit to be a slave to righteousness? slave to righteousness, in practising ur beloved quotation in Eph 6? children to honour parents; and also parents to teach (ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF GOD, NOT SELF-PREFERENCE) and also NOT TO PROVOKE THE CHILD TO ANGER? have you wondered about your own communication styles? maybe you have. but have you seriously put in days and weeks of it?

i put in those hours to think of how to communicate at home and show love and appreciation until i go crazy, and burnt out emotionally. and all u do is come back and blast me for having a girlfriend? seriously? yea. i know, getting a girlfriend won't make you proud. fair enough. but i find your grounds for objecting... they are based on the assumption that your son is a dumb ass, making irrational and rash decisions. mayb i m making a poor assumption here. and maybe yall aren't implying what i think you are implying.

but i felt as if, i am your son and all you think of me is, i m bound to make a poor decision and die and cost a bomb to bail out of scholarship. but hello. let's get the order of God's law clear. is the bond of parent and child closer, or is the bond of husband and wife closer? think carefully before you answer. you are a parent you'll love to choose the former. but the Bible loudly says, the latter is actually the more intimate relationship.

no form of emotional blackmail towards me can change the reality of God's Word on this matter. but i also have no solution as to properly communicate this to u. i say this and u say i am unfilial and dishonouring. but yet if i don't hold on to this, i just lied about God's Word.

anw may the God of peace reign. the gospel of peace also. we aren't changed by any form of emotionalism, rationalism, or even emotional blackmail. we can only be changed by God's renewing power.

you may want to label me all you want to. kick me out of the house, of the country. but the truth is i will still use God's strength to love you. i honestly have only junk within my soul; but thanks to God who quickens my dead old man, i am a new life in Christ. may the new man be awake than sleeping thanks to the old man. and may God's Spirit do this quickening work.