some things pervade me quite badly.

wad a fat disappointment. hai. but nvm. it seems, mayb some tings we nid to resign to fate. some tings not within our control and do not go according to what we desire. so, wad to do? suck thumb? probably.

disappointing. disappointing to tink about some ppl, some events, some actions and decisions and consequences. some ppl sae, shldn't tink, no point. although i like to sae i see present and future, i'm quite stuck in the past. some ppl want to be like this. HAHA. well i rather not. that doesn't mean i shld get caught up with the world and its nonsense which comes along, but i shld get on and stop harping on some small fault once upon a time.

once upon a time. yea. once upon a time. last time. and 想当年，想当天.. once again, no point. wad's done is done, wad's supposed to happen is already here. wad to do?

let me adopt a holier-than-thou attitude for one day.

from wiki: vulgarity is the quality of being common, coarse or unrefined. can refer to social behaviour as well as art forms as well as use of language.
profanity: words or gestures or social expressions that are constructed or interpreted as insulting, rude, showing disrespect and desecrating.

we do see many ppl nowadays being vulgar and speaking profanities with every sentence. sure, i dun really mind them doing so, especially in social situations. but, to a person whom u just met? i dun tink that's a very nice sign eh haha. and, interestingly, fine if u enjoy speaking in profanities. but there are these ppl who want to show and display they are vulgar. i find these ppl funny. really, i laugh at them. u know much profanities, does it make u any more sociable? i tell u, i dun tink so.

and i know of some ppl speaking profanities and vulgarities in a tongue i know of. AND, they use it without knowing the literal meaning, which may turn very very amusing. a common example: guys who sae, tio gan. tio gan, i mean still make sense la, but really, i guess it's quite painful... a more imba example wld b a girl, i heard her sae, dulan. really, do u hav one? HAHA! she dulan, really, i bow down.

that was real amazing and amusing man...

really. as i continue reading, i continue to find where i hav failed. similarly, i continue to find where others hav failed.

as usual, i am very judgemental. is that wrong? some say yes, some say, if u're that way, maybe, juz be that way lo. wad hav i to say to myself? nth much. wad is real respect? wad is real altruism/kindness? what is real tolerance? what is real acceptance?

really, as a person, i never understood these concepts. i only know, shut my mouth, they liddat den let them liddat, they do this den let them etc. i only know, dun get myself into trouble, rmb to do good tings to others cos it's right and it's nice to do so, dun b selfish else ppl call u selfish nut, etc. lousy man i may be. but, how to "cure" this disease of mine?

i dun see anyting wrong in being so cynical in doing things. e.g. helping ppl not only for goodness' sake but also for my own impression, por lan pa here and there, be a dog here and there, for the sake of not only my benefits but also society's. i help society, i help myself. i muz confess, i never ever believed in wad altruism. i hav no idea why i dun hav that capacity.

but once again, is that wrong? some say, u're juz an idiot, a bastard, get a life, get a heart. i duno. i noe myself, because of such tinking, i'm driven once i hav a goal. let's juz hope, i will continue my kindness although many a time it is not about pure kindness only, let's hope i will continue to benefit society even if i'm seeking my own good, own personal selfish motives.

brings me to the self-esteem sort of questions. if i'm kind not because i'm really kind but because i know it's a good thing to do for myself, am i really kind?

maybe, i shld find my own answers myself.

is obedience important?

maybe. i guess obedience with some sort of a discernment is good. but too bad, some ppl really cannot appreciate obedience, believing that their wisdom is sufficient.

so they go their own way. but remember, though many who are successful are mavericks, only few mavericks succeed. the rest, duno.

let me b cynical for a while, or as i usually like to b HAHA..

wad other ppl sae, when transcripted into words, sometimes, quite nice. HAHA. but really, wad it really means? i duno yer noe.

really, i dun mind persecuted for religion. but i really hav a problem wif poor religion.

let's face it, if u're a christian and u can't face it that ur god is perfect in anger and hate as he is perfect in love, dun be one. if u can't accept this doctrine, sorry. my god is perfect in hate as he is in love. if he wasn't, he won't be able to show his love perfectly. and that is where many ppl fail to grasp, they only hear, oh, if god is so loving, why he go kill people? why he allow sin? (of course there are standard answers i can give, but no point, u can go and find out for urself. because, i can support christianity, someone else will tear the argument down.)
similarly, i will never get to understand why my god does things this way. but i do know, he is good.

and i attended a good wedding, tho marred by some nonsense the pastor has done. i shall not point it out here, but, really, i feel ashamed to be a christian there. because that guy, i really wonder whether he knew what he was doing.

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but good try, as i like to sae, i'm getting myself into much confusion. sure, i invest not in this world, and i know i am here but i am not of here. sure, i do hav hope for the future. but, for now, there are tings at hand to do. like getting myself back again. haha.

seems like, recently i've lost myself in something that i dun understand. too bad.

poor day. poor decisions, i got poor sportsmanship, poor predictions, poor money spending, poor everyting.

HAHA. or maybe, i shld see it more optimistically. i hav noticed that they are poor, instead of convincing myself they are good choices, when they are not.

money, nt easy to earn. but bad to become a slave of money. isn't it? u master money, not let wealth master u. but then, with little amount of money, u will tend to become a slave of money. u nid money to sustain urself. hai. so, i will get to appreciate how ppl go to high income bracket from low ones... that is quite talented i muz concede.

i'm feeling sick.

really. they call me stupid. that's fine. others call me smart. fine. some call me idiotic. fine. some call me cynical and calculative. fine.

is my heart hardened? maybe. is your heart hardened? i guess, a considerable number of ppl reading this have their hearts hardened. why are they? i will never know. but really, i won't mind not seeing them. in any case, i am not supposed to see them. for some reason or another they appear. so i see them.

i can choose a few options to people who appear. watch/observe/oogle at them. else interact with them. really, maybe i shld juz choose oogling at them. wastes no extra mental effort.

why do not interact? picture a interview. as the interviewee, usually u're asked qns u find hard to answer. really, when ppl ask me such questions, i rather oogle at them than answering. they probably know the answer themselves already, they prepared a standpoint. might as well oogle at them. moreover, sometimes, they pre-empt what u're gonna sae. so, no point what.

moreover, i'm confident of living with only my family and not getting extremely bored for a few days. doesn't matter to me if i dun interact with more than my family members. HAHA

i'm brought up to think that i am lousy at sports.

maybe i really am. u c, i try to defy it for the past duno how many years. but, fail. hence, now, quite lousy la.

i'm brought up to think that i'm good at studies and piano.

duno how good i am. i try not to make it happen for the past duno how many years. but, fail. hence, now, quite good lo.

so maybe i'm supposed to focus on my area of comparative advantage. but, really, focus on them? music abit too late ba. but studies? i duno. yer noe, i've tried some interviews now and then. but i fail all of these interviews. why? mainly, can't plp. fail at it. + portfolio not zai enuff to they see, they know tok gong person that type. maybe i shld mug interview questions.

in any case, let's see what's ahead. i can choose to juz sleep for the next few days and rot. that sounds like a good idea. in any case, i'm not able to market any of my services, if they are even up to standard, in public to earn a steady money over the next few days. hence, if i hibernate, i might even be saving all those money which can be put to greater entertainment/use/charity at a later date.

hence, i can claim, they really don't understand.

feeling rather perturbed, confused etc. maybe i shldn't be hehe. really, i shldn't be. juz that once again i'm not able to live like wad i want to and wad my selfish self wants to. why? i do not want to be seen as selfish.

which, on the surface, there's nothing wrong. shld i be selfish? no i shldn't. hence, though i am rather selfish, i shld try not to be isn't it? hence, it is not only beneficial to myself to not be selfish, it's beneficial socially. but ppl sae, u shld be urself. then, since i am selfish, am i supposed to "be myself"? HAHA

then again, wad do ppl judge me by? personally i duno. they may see me as screwed, they may see me as fine. i dun mind both. because i agree i am both. but disappointing, everywhere i go, i am not alone. so sad. in any case, for now, let me juz live like there's nth much to do, although there are things to do. heh. switch off for maybe the next 48h in preparation for a lousy gamble.

maybe i shldn't be affording myself such stuff so often...

hence, i am wasting some money for now.

but great training, in terms of concentration.

happy new year.

and may those who seek the happiness find it... haha