really, what is the line between reasoning and excuse?

i think the onus is on the perceiver. then, should we bother what this perceiver thinks, before we reason?

what is considered work, and what is considered slack? is sleeping slacking? or isit working, since i can call it actively and with an intent to rest, so that i can work better?
similarly, if i do something for no economic benefit to myself, am i working, or resting?

so once again, why i need to get caught up with perceivers of my way? let them see what they want to see. should i be affected? maybe i shld. but as a general measure, take everyting wif a pinch of salt. it is never possible to satisfice these ppl's opinions. carry on perceiving, i dun tink it brings any benefits, to themselves or to myself.

really, i'm a bad son.

wasted so much time, tinking about myself. i'm in the centre of the world.

but unfortunately not. no one is the centre of the world. i know it, but i fail to realise, recognise, reconcile and accept it. consciously or subconciously, i will think of myself as greater, and will marginalise and play down the concerns of others. much of what i've done, is generally in consideration of my own edificaiton. stupid.

change i must. change i shld. will i? time will tell. 2day is a good day, and a good nite.

am i allowed to believe myself? should i believe myself?

all along hav been failing in things, esp those pertaining to human. at best, things are poorly done. so i wonder, will u believe me? heh, not an easy qn. they hav observed me, and they may or may not know rather well what i am going through. and since the observers are more clear in some sense, they may even know what i may do next time better than myself.

i would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain. maybe. if it saves people, if it saves u, why not? but if the bullet go thru liao den hit the person i wan to block den how? HAHA. also, if i catch a grenade 4 u, i can't guarantee the shrapnel only i tio. maybe u tio some. but hu care, as long as u may noe, it doesn't matter i guess?

so once again, i'm sitting here, expressing some incoherence. really, i rather not be this way. it's like a bad dirrhoea, although u may choose to gather enough shit 1st, u still gotta shit some out, although u noe u're going in for at least a 5th time. hence here u can sae i'm shitting some out of me for a while, later i will shit out more, as long as dirrhoeaa doesn't heal....

ooo... heaven is a place on earth. they say in heaven, love comes first, we'll make heaven a place on earth earth earth earth...

and how about some christmas (snow) in s'pore ytd nite? i like it, i tink clementi had sort of ankle deep water at certain points. so, let it snow let it snow let it snow.

and anw, i tink the mp3 ripping sites are becoming better and better.
but sites for copying the lyrics getting worse. some can't highlight text. but hu cares, there are good substitutes as u juz hav to go back to google, and get another site. how convenient. very good, i like it this way.

and looking again at lyrics, looks like some are great. i'd catch a grenade for u. seriously, i won't catch it. i would probably whack it away... u wldn't want some shrapnels.

i don't wanna comment on controversial issues - quote unknown. (or known unto certain ppl actually heh)

I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it - voltaire.

soon, religion will die out. but how soon? voltaire is desperately anti-christian frm my cursory understanding. many philosophers during his time and after may have agreed. but as of now, religion is around. those who are in religions will cherish it. those who are not will cherish their state too.

weird.

i tink it is rather unhealthy, i tend to blame not others but myself for many lousy results and situations and failures. sure, maybe there are times where i really screw up. fine, then maybe it's correct to blame myself. but then sometimes, i prefer to blame it on me instead of the real cause for certain problems and failures.

well another random idea. let's take mercury for a case study. mercury, a heavy metal, when entered into one's body, stays there very long. same for other poisonous heavy metal ions and particles. sure, the body may try to remove it slowly. very slowly in fact. hence, it shld b rather appropriate to say that these heavy metal ions will stay there quite permanently, and one is not able to remove all of it UNLESS for some reason they cluster somewhere, and u juz chop off that part of ur body.

assuming ur body only has mercury traces now, due to coming into contact with it through job or an accident or pollution. what if, someone asks u to remove all of these mercury ions and replace them with manganese? is that possible? (on the assumption that this person will only be appeased if all mercury ions are removed)

or isit more likely that a person does not mind the mercury ions in ur body, and shuffs u with manganese? i don't know.

this happens often enuff tho. surely, i am able to change my loyalties once i am convinced it is a great idea, and that it will work out great. unfortunately, ppl will not believe that we are able to change our loyalties quickly, claiming that u are just another person who can't make up ur mind. how about i offer an alternative viewpoint. sure, u may say such a person who switches loyalties quickly cannot make up their minds. but how about, it is the doubt that u invoke in him that make him unable to make up his mind? haha, hence, if u are some sort of an employer, don't doubt an employee who has made up his mind quickly too early. if u wan to play safe and use condom, ensure that the contract will have clauses and compensations to u if that guy is really some idiot who cannot make up his mind and stay loyal.

well, the aeroplane back was rather shaky.

literally. for one, it looked like badly maintained, probably in service for around 10 years? it is air china. well, duno whether national. but very obviously, it doesn't give me any much confidence. so for the whole 6h or so on board, ..., horrendous. got on, went out of the parking place, pilots claim plane fail some test. great. i was like thanks, i planned this whole day alr, den delay. heng nth much delay 1h. but it was super insecure.

good job, i shall blacklist such things. haha.

now, muz get on wif secular life. got some crap to finish, after dat is training

i'm nothing special.

juz another guy, doesn't look to be an idiot, doesn't want to be a bad person, doesn't want to be an asshole. wants to be nice to others, wants others to have a good life, wants others to be nice to each other too.

but man is driven by his wants too. haha. personal wants, i shld sae.

how confusing. how confusing. am i supposed to? or not supposed to? this is pissing, esp when i'm super tired today. den still gotta settle some shitty psc admin nonsense... really. maybe i shld start getting used to it. as wif any other slacker, i hate setbacks. sure, they hav slapped me in the face 70 times 7 times, but i still hate getting slapped.

it's k, bible will tell me to forgive them 70 times 7 times also. hence, i shldn't get too worked up isn't it?

--------------------

weirdly, i can stay awake just to hear u breathing, watch u smile while u are dreaming blah blah. weird. i dun want to miss a thing? paradox. if u focus on something just because u dun want to miss it, u will miss another thing. too bad. opp costs, blah blah. stewpit.

asdf.

really, really. we hav to face all these shit apparently. there is no way out. i will hope there is.

the stars may shine on me.

but shld i believe the stars?

the three kings of orient followed the stars, and they found jesus, and they worshipped him wif myrrh and frankincense. that's good. last time, travellers followed certain celestial bodies, constellations, such as the north star and etc. and they arrived at where they wanted to. that's good.

but remember, last time, travellers died too. WHY? precisely they followed the wrong stars. that's why i ask, shld i read the stars? of course i'm not superstitious, i dun follow horoscope, i dun follow astrology. stars = signs. really, are these signs true, or are they pseudo-signs? haha.

how overt a sign must be before it is one? we can't define it. but some ppl hav good instincts, they lived on instinct without any academic knowledge, and some go on to become billionaires. haha. why? they know how to follow signs.

i shld learn to read my stars too

i tell myself one more time, to carry on.

so what is hindering me? human tendencies. sure, the rational way to do things is clear - don't regret. once u regret, it may breed remorse, and it comes around to more regret. and the chain starts again in a slippery spiral into nowhere. thus, the clever, pragmatic way is not to regret. just learn from the past, live in the present, prepare for the future, and do the best u can wif ur current knowledge and experiences.

so why are we regretting time and time again, especially me? it's human to do so. we regret, because its our conscious and emotional reaction to some past acts with perceived or real negative consequences. we want to say sorry, we want to make it up for whatever misdeeds, perceived or actual, we have done.

but what if, we regret, and we can't do anything about it? 无奈。so maybe a hokkien song says it very well. 若无彼日的熟悉，心头也不这无奈. hmm, i seem to be digressing to what i have in mind. but unfortunately, i dun think i am being responsible about being explicit about it. hence, i have to type in a circumlocutory manner. in any case, we shldn't wander in a state of remorse. sure, guilt may overwhelm you, but question urself, have u really violated a moral code of conduct? pardon me being chauvinistic. but i dun tink i violated a moral code of conduct. so wad shit regret am i feeling?

hence, maybe i'm still sane. HAHA.

wad is wrong?

the moon is affecting my bloody hormonal levels. at least, it is a contributing factor. idiotic. an influx of thoughts and emotion and feelings and some past events, not easy to handle at 1 go. and considering i hav some deadlines to meet, and a relatively packed schedule, it is sian.

well, maybe i shld juz sleep for 1 day, everything may be fine.

my body is facing a rise in certain chemical levels. i can overtly feel it.

it is the tempt again. but this time it's a confusion as well. i do not know whether is it a fall in serotonin or a rise in its levels. neither do i know it is a craving for epinephrine and similar substances, or that its levels are on the rise as well.

and this convoluted top 2 paragraphs proves it all. i'm feeling a little confused isn't it. this is messy....