there are just too many ancient scars that are not properly healed over time.

theoretically i know, let me forgive. but when the triggers happen... they cannot be avoided. i start to subconsciously hear what happened in the past. all that passive-aggressive attitude. all that lack of empathy. all that lack of understanding. all that disinterest in my life.

i guess all children grow up, and when we grow up we see the lack in our parents. it's not really their fault. but those mistakes leave an indelible mark in our souls. it's rather serious in my case.

take the recent example, when all was going wrong, and my mother starts to decide to bring up every single wrong-doing and give no encouragement. zero. there was none. but she does not engage with it and spend effort to understand the situation. all she wanted to do was to prove that i was wrong. proving her supremacy was more important than a hurting child. tough to realize that at the end of the day this is who my mother is. repeating the stories of the gov't instead of learning to love her child.

what is love? to her, it seems to be cooking a great meal when i m back home from army and sch; bringing me for big dinner during birthday; bringing me on a holiday trip as far as possible.

but could she identify a problem? that why is her son sick of all these? the truth is, i find it sickening. these are not displays of love in my opinion. i get it that she may assume that those are displays of her love. but in truth, i can't "feel" it. i can't "sense" it. they are like... not even symbolic. she isn't spending time to understand what i need.

i m really sick of all these big things because they are so... meaningless. they are like voids. even when we go on these we don't talk. nothing is done. all those holiday trips were more like fulfilling the whims and wants of my father and/or my mother. they weren't about us. nothing is being communicated for that matter. i m not being communicated with. my life is just, whatever they expect it to be. when i fall short of that expectation, all sorts of passive aggressive and passive resentment and/or resignation are displayed.

is this how u wld like a son to be?

who are my better friends? those that don't challenge my view offensively. those who sit down to listen to me and probe my understanding when needed. even when they probe there isn't any big opposition. those whom i call and i know they will listen.

instead what does my parents do? my father is naturally distant. i won't call him unless i m dying. my mother, nowadays i can't call her anymore. she isn't understanding. she isn't sitting down to listen to my problems. she is here to dump more responsibility and burden on my head. she claims that she isn't and family is the only place where unconditional help arrives. are u sure?

i don't see any unconditional help. mayb to them it's all about material help. i say, fuck that. what does material mean? i rather we squeeze in a 1 room flat and hav more time to talk to one another, than stay so close but emotionally distant thanks to all those tv and devices we have. when i m back home, it seems like the good food suffices. there's no bloody interaction and engagement.

what does she ask at home? how is school? do you bloody understand that school means shit to me? it's everything else which make sense. the Bible study time. the praying time. the talking time. the BGR struggles. the human conflicts. these things are what excite me. what's school? bunch of boring and meaningless equations. they never excited me. those were more like means to an end.

and you don't bother understanding that this is me.

instead all u bother is whether i m loving studying. i hate it because of all these expectations. i cannot be bound by these things. they make me puke. these bonds make me puke. they put me under yoke and chain. they hinder my full expression of my soul.

and it seems that my mother prefers to keep me under the bondage of the system. why bother about this material and binding system? break out of it.

i m even getting a headache writing this. because there is so much unresolved talk. and yet my mother rationalizes these things away as growing pains. at least that is what i see. mayb she feels more than what i see. but this is what i see. i don't see any care, any true concern or love.

love, is it just all that good food and travel? where is the true connection? whatever it is. emotionally, supporting my pursuits, advice without pre-conceived value judgments.

if u ask me about deciding a life for myself, all i can say is, i won't bring my child up this way.

to be fair then, my father should take some of the responsibility.

always avoiding the difficult talk. always being passive-aggressive. actually he may just be the root of the problem. never present in truly difficult situations. all we knew was his unhappy and black face at everything. if it's so hard for u to give up time to be a father then don't be lah. pls. want to have kids, boast to the world that you invest in children, first thing once they reach certain age u don't bother a shit about them. in fact it is ur children fucking making effort to connect wif ur ideas and thoughts, and all u do is boast abt ur adeptness at the workplace.

seriously? that's a father? and i wonder what u do to my mother. now i see why a divorce was on the cards that time. divorce was nearly on the table cos all u did was to give her stress i see. u mad bro? but honestly, that's my observation. u may want to make all sorts of excuses about what i say.

but sorry that's what ur son saw. ur son is not so stupid. i m seeing all these issues. and i hav my own stand on issues. too bad, i m not a programmable robot. this is what i m seeing. if these uncovering of sins is hard for u to swallow, too bad. honestly, too bad.

u never made the effort to clarify what happened over the years. and this is but a small culmination. i don't think this is the full expression of the mess of emotions i m dealing with everyday.

nowadays i make effort to pray about this, and for God to forgive and put in me that heart of forgiveness. but truth is, if u continue to behave in this way, all i hav is more and more negative impressions of you 2. deal with it. if u want to blame me back, don't be too surprised if negative defensive mechanisms start to appear.