maybe i've succeeded, maybe u're better off having a sick impression of me. haha

maybe it's better for me too? haha i dunno totally. but hu cares, let's see wad's ahead of me in the near future. as keynes said, in the long run we're all dead.

a catharsis. after coming one round, i feel something. i feel ashamed of my good results.

for a few main points. to begin with, let's analyse from the very basic how i got the good results. in our dear education system, yes it's great for building considerably firm foundations in any topic. but sorry, even though i got good results, i really feel ashamed of it. why? i can safely tell u, even if i can score high marks, i know shit about them. i know less than another person getting d or e in a science maybe. case in point physics. sure i can do a calculation 20 times faster than others. but do i know the underlying meaning behind it? i safely tell u, at least 70% of the time i know shit about it. but ppl getting d and e can tell me the actual meaning. seriously. i feel damn ashamed of myself, i'm juz a marks jerker. i succeed in the freakin education system, but i know shit if u wanna go super esoteric.

in addition, let's bring in stuff which are not so arithmetic. let's bring in the analytical and critical thinking in languages, social sciences etc. even worse. sure i know the econs knowledge. i will never be able to give u an idea that is super out of the box. in world issues, sure i may know some pertinent points, evaluations, suggest u some methods to improve the situation or have an amicable discussion. but i never seem to be able to give incisive ideas. or even criticisms. my criticism are generally superficial, they touch nothing deep. sure, i potentially can score in gp with all these knowledge applied properly. but once again, it's shit, i do not feel proud of it because it's so bourgeois and robotic and methodic. any idiot when taught to do it will do as well as me. i'm juz an idiot seriously. wad's there to be proud of? instead, i shld b ashamed of myself to say that i potentially can do well. thus, although i hav generally good results, i'd sae i'm ashamed of myself.

moreover, when i touch on the idiot smart normal thing, it brings me to perceived values. sure, my "educational attainment" gives me an arbitrary value in society. i am called smart by certain ppl. and really, although i'm happy about being smart, i do not feel extremely glorious. sure, i gloat many a time about my greatness in getting good marks. ppl call me smart, clever, will succeed next time. there's a value assigned to me, that i will become successful. and this value assigned to me, i'm damned ashamed of it. really, do i deserve it? u tell me, u hav a lousier result than me, are u less human than me? NO. does a better result make me any a better person than u? NO. seriously, so why call myself smart? and let's question the assumption that i will be successful - do u really think i will be? and so what if i am? really. so what if i am successful? i am still a part of a community, a society, a country, a world. i am no different from another beggar on the street, i am not of greater worth. i feel ashamed to bask in the glory of my great results. i shldn't be doing that totally.

more. i am ashamed that i hav not gotten the momentum and the best ability to be able to use all these good results to ameliorate other's situation. i'm down here, trying to augment my wealth of knowledge, when obviously there are many who need the results more than me. this is 无奈. haha. yea, wadeva, they say i'm erudite man, go and contribute to society. i feel ashamed that i do not hav that FULL drive to help society overtly. even covertly. to add on, i am so ashamed, desired outcomes of education (DOE) for pre-uni students, one of them is for a student to be socially responsible. seriously, after getting over so long education, i really feel i'm so lousy, i do not harbour and embrace the ideas of being socially responsible; worse i advocate every man for himself. wad the shit. i'm really ashamed, all these years of education and making frens, i still harbour such anti-civilisation and primitive ideas, that shld be phased out by generally inclusive society here. i apparently, hav not got the good moral values in me. i don't know. maybe i ought to be ashamed i'm not practising certain of these good moral values though i know of them somewhere somewhere.

pen-ultimate conclusion: maybe i shld juz go fail all tests from now on, and walk on the streets. haha. then maybe i won't become ashamed, and another person will become ashamed of themselves for not donating food to me. HAHA and this is shooting myself in the foot, in fact in the head - i ought to be even more ashamed of such an idea.

ultimately: if i didn't study all these issues, i won't be ashamed of myself running the race of accruing status and climbing the societal status ladder. which is better? to be cognizant of such ideas, or ignorance is bliss? maybe i'm right and should be ashamed of myself and my good results, when i may not hav deserved all the "positive" remarks and projections of me, as well as the fact that i'm so damn apathetic to others.

let's see.

superficially analysing, it is quite apparent that assiduity does not pay off all the time bah. haha, sometimes do the wrong ting for many many times, will not bring u to great heights. it may bring u higher, but not to the level of greatness.

of course, some cursory methods can suffice at times. but it doesn't mean they are forever dependable. thus, diligently do something which is deemed correct instead of a dangerous stunt or not so viable idea.

it is claimed that success and ruthlessness have a correlation.

if one were ruthless, one would carry out rational goals for one's self-interest without any care or compassion for others. and it may include brutal and aggressive means to achieve them. so in certain areas, ruthlessness may be an element of success, to eliminate all opposition to one's greed and self-benefit.

question would be how compassionate must u be then? haha. if compassion's really useless, then tell me why nice guys can be in top jobs.

looks like it boils down to finding the golden balance or ratio again.

你已征服了我，却还不属于我，叫我如何不去猜测你在想什么？

really, if this were to continue, i shall do attitude changing method. and everyting's fine. haha. i have many back up plans, and i think i really hav to activate them in lieu of upcoming, life-deciding exams.

and of course, i hav back up plans, juz like why i throw a back up ball, even if i gonna suck in the life-deciding exam. haha... wif psle certifications, it won't be easy, but there's methods.

now, i have no idea where my ca is in. but any case, i'll help in any way i can.

or maybe i juz hav one useless ca. which little people will value. let's see if a miracle would ensue. it probably wun. i maybe nid a irrational session.

sick. totally.

i conclude, karma may be wrong. haha.

有爱就有恨，或多或少。。。

i've never enjoyed feeling this way, but it seems maybe this will go on for a while.

it is hard to ameliorate the situation, hu cares, i shall work towards it. anyways i hope u're cognizant of the happenings and the realities. i'm sorry, but it's too late to apologise!!! totally. aww.

difficult to moderate my gp by my understanding. i conclude i am a victim of the system too.

sadly, we students have really forgotten that studying is about the enjoyment and satisfaction of getting new knowledge. this problems stems from top down: gov't want to produce worker for economy, school wan to produce results. and thus, we're here, bothered about results. hav our school taught us to enjoy knowledge DIRECTLY? obviously not. the top people do not emphasise that we shld enjoy learning. or at least it's not even in the most arcane of my memories. so u see, therefore, i am here complaining my 1 subject results sucks like shit. understand? if i wasn't in such an environment, i'd be like never mind, never mind, relax.

but nvm. in people's eyes, i thrive in the system. but unfortunately, i am still a victim of the system for not performing in 1 subject. if this happens for a level, i wun b surprised uni doesn't want me unless i pay. scholarships probably can't get. conclusion, if this happens for a level, i will not touch the high end jobs in singapore which require academic qualifications explicitly anymore. i'd invest myself in a sport or music.

yea and i juz remembered, my world comes crashing down thanks to many factors too. i do not blame them for doing so. but i do hope that they'd bother minimalistically about people around them too.

my utility is scarcely satisfied.

and i'm quite aware that's because my priorities are somewhat off track from a rational student. but is there anything wrong wif having differing priorities? i dun think so. but apparently, people around me probably wun help me achieve the utility that i desire too. wad course of action do i hav? apparently, to change my views, or to coerce or force people to acquiesce with me.

and the latter is obviously not the morally and socially right thing to do. thus it seems, i shld juz adopt a minimalistic approach and juz fulfill the bottom 2 needs in the maslow's hierachy of needs bah. doesn't matter anyway, it doesn't bother my survival.

i'm deeply dissatisfied with the level of thinking people have as to certain topics, and their sensitivity to people of different minds and philosophies. really, stop expecting highly sociable people to be around you.

nothing really eventful. today can be an exemplification of the typical-ness of another day.

so basically got lesson, sat down wif clsmates, den sat down wif clsmates, den play ball wif clsmates, den see teacher, mug, now i'm in front of the com waiting for my 10pm show. but as usual, there are some random ideas.

we are told, if we dun stand out, it is not true that no one notices us. similarly, if we try to stand out, we'd either not be noticed OR be noticed for the wrong reasons. hmm. it's the typical paradox - sometimes, solutions come naturally when we do not desperately seek them. the corollary would be that solutions are hard to find when we need them. and many other cases related.

but one should be aware that there are cases where doing an action A necessarily leads to a result B to some extent. if we are able to master which course of action to take at the right points of time, i guess it's a great thing.

what is one's worth measured by?

through my life, i hav been in doubt of my worth. why? people hav tried to explicitly or implicitly measured me, and once i'm conscious, i'd ask myself. so really, how to measure one's worth? what in fact is one's worth?

many a time we see people judging a person using: level of educational attainment. isn't it? heh. inherently, we link ur educational attainment to status, in one way or another. rather unavoidable. i've tried to prove myself wrong, but it goes in circles, we tend to judge people due to educational attainment here. generally, education = hardworker/achiever/will benefit in a (exam-)meritocratic system = money flowing into one's bank and pockets = status = security.

abit fallacious. but it happens.

but of course, there's something wrong. is that really one's worth?

have we forgotten one's real self-fulfillment and self-actualization? if i went through schooling, but am taught nothing and have not learnt how to really learn and enjoy learning instead of the money, am i really educated? is making money equal to one's worth?

i'd say i'm worth nothing, if i have no awareness of myself as a unit of the society and if i'm not kind to others. if i do become a money-churning machine, and a status-seeking despo and anything along that line, i guess i'm as good as a defective, selfish idiot sucking money away from others.

desired aims of education of singapore are rather obvious. feed the economy with skilled labourers, or if i am allowed to put it a little more crudely, coolies.

has singapore missed the point? largely, i'd guess. we have become too result-oriented. we are focusing on the numbers, the statistics. there is an inherent notion in schools that success is equal to academic success. we are trying to shift towards less tests and exams and more focus on class participation and project work, but it does not help ameliorate the situation - we are still grade-oriented. students are abetted and obliged to score, and to think that education brings status.

status. arbitrary as it may sound, but unfortunately, with education brings about some sort of a status. why do people sweep the streets? they have no education. how do people get into the government? they are educated, whatever the means may be. is education really about this potential status that one will get? does a better education separate oneself from the bourgeois?

looks like, we have forgotten how to enjoy learning. A youth who had begun to read geometry with Euclid, when he had learnt the first proposition, inquired, "What do I get by learning these things?" So Euclid called a slave and said "Give him three pence, since he must make a gain out of what he learns." question: do we enjoy what we learn? or are we juz put in somewhere, forced to learn something? are we appreciating what we are learning, or what we have learnt? i guess so.

s'pore has forgotten to get students to love what they are learning. we are required and obliged to learn both the arithmetic and the aesthetic, but we may not like any of them. den what is the point of learning? to get oneself a job. alright, fine, to get a job. but i feel that we have not had enough emphasis on the importance of enjoying education. and how does this arise? results-driven system. by my observation, whether skewed or not, it seems that one would tend to enjoy a subject he would score a high mark in, than one that he wants to read but can't get past the scoring system easily enough.

i muz say, i'm lucky. i generally enjoy what i am reading now, not because of the result, but i do find some flair in me in the subjects i am reading.

and it seems like the supposed elites in the system, may not even be an elite. tell me, how many hc students bought their way in? HAHA. it's a great joke. that aside, we can't do much, i dun tink a school will want to expel a student due to poor results. but such vested interests, they really take away the opportunity to groom a real talent than some sort of a white horse. isn't it?

in the same circuitous and slipshod manner, i shall try to describe the "leadership" that is being taught in schools here. how about, giving power to someone who has great academic ability, so that he can win a president scholarship? heh. or sometimes, giving authority to someone due to popularity? maybe yer noe. it's hard to groom a person with true leadership qualities, in fact, if i'm to be unfair, i'd say leadership qualities are congenital. what our education system is doing is somewhat right, to provide opportunities to test whether one has leadership. BUT we forget that, there's some "consequences": a person in a leadership position is presumed to have leadership qualities. and the leadership position adds on to one's resume. and makes the person seem as if he has leadership qualities. when in fact, he may have none of it. that's a potential danger.

i have spent no effort in trying to buttress the above rambling by organising them properly. in any case, now i juz hav to get around the education system. utilitarian as it may sound, but our education system is really great for an intellectual discussion and analysis, and i guess it brings great pleasure for me to talk about its pros and cons.

i just hope, our future generations will not need to learn a diversity of abstruse concepts which they will not be interested in, or will not be applicable to them in their lives. instead, i hope their education allows them to live their lives happily.