i m not here to impress u, the one i need to live for is God. not even impress Him, but honestly, to do His will and not my own.

i do not need to act as if i am very loving and caring and helpful and serving the community by going all out into the needy or overseas to help those who are needy there. i m not here to impress ppl by my CV. by always being a helping hand to those around me, encouraging those around me, i am already doing the same.

not that i discount ppl for going, but i guess we cannot discount the small encouragement we give to others.

i tell u, those who went out of their way to impress me, they did not encourage me at all. the ones who actually were more encouraging, were those who were actually around me when i needed them.

God is my boss, that's why I shld do more than what I shld. If God is not my boss, I don't even have to do this much. I can already sit around to enjoy what is already given.

every paragraph for this post shld b taken in isolation.

pray for God to be real in your life. speak to Him. don't debate with me and don't use the arrogance in your intellect. God is a spirit, and we worship Him in spirit. in Jesus is the power to wash away your sins and unrighteousness, it's time to stop living in the shadows of what u cannot do. not by just forgetting them and moving on from them, but with the power that... u know all these sins are already forgiven.

read the Bible, not as another literature book. I appeal to u humbly, pls, give yourself and give God a chance. read it, as if God is speaking to you. God wants to communicate with you. u may think this is some kind of joke, some kind of placebo, some kind of madness, some kind of lunacy, but i tell u, u won't regret this. read it as if God is communicating to you. think of it this way: u read other books, other writers are also trying to communicate sth to u. think less about ur own learning and what u can glean, but think more about what God is trying to tell you through the Bible. and my conclusion - God loves you, and God is faithful to you. He won't let you down. He will put some through the test - thank God for that. it is only the strong that will be put through the test. complain all u wan. i complained. i complained hard. i cried hard. but after the test, u will see more love than u ever have seen.

Can a man carry fire next to his chest
and his clothes not be burned?

i shall admit i hav done that and got burnt.

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:

That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;

Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:

That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.

For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness.

God-willing, i shall walk in holiness and not in shamefulness.

enough of that. time to leave all the past behind, even if i see the repeat of the similar situations, let's not jump into it. those who hath ears let him hear. and i shall hear... i hav been burnt so much.

even if the bloody temptation is right around the corner again, i shall resist it. do the right thing in God's eyes. do the right thing. be guided by the Spirit and not my own lustful spirit. watch it. 

人与人之间的关系不是银行也不是股票，别整天想你放了多少钱，在对的时机投资，一定会有收回。别神经，别放弃治疗。。。

so over a few hours time, God has worked.

there is a way to overcome ur wants and ur sinful nature.

there is strength to do it.

and God will make a way, His grace is sufficient for us. let's not be greedy to wait for more and tempt God.

wells, i guess, God help me to accept the truth and ending once again.

honouring God hasn't been easy.

to honour u, was my duty. i guess i did it, but i wonder whether u ever done so in return.

i got piece of shit.

but really, i think i rather continue to honour u and honour God. i think it's greater that way. i hav nothing to say, but if u dun honour ur heart and u want to up stakes, solve the fucking problem for yourself. at some time of time it'd burn.

when it fucking burns, i oso can't do anything.

as for me and my house, i choose to serve God. i can serve one another seriously, but this time round to serve, my job is really not to be active. but to just be passive. i love to b involved, as per any other normal person.

curbing my desires, crucifying my flesh over the past half sem was painful.

no results to speak of. other than God is working.

i was ready to put my life down, wait for the right time, to not overstep boundaries, to respect decisions and stands. hence i waited, did not do anything..

alas, more things appeared than i wld hav expected. God is coming to test.

test, in the most epic of ways. it's bloody pain.

how about, fucking pain. i'm feeling the same numbness as before. the same situation. all these negative thoughts, they are coming around again. it's disgusting me, it is screwing around with me.

God help me, let me accept the facts, let me accept Your will as the only perfect will... help me to live not for my own desires but to desire Your plan and to love those around me, to care for those around me also.

really... i hav nth more to say, i duno what i'm thinking, and i duno what i shld b doing. i'm just as lost as ancient times, i need a restart. may God guide again and be faithful. i know He will.