father i thank you today, for making today, for sustaining me today... for the blessings you have given, for the common grace you have provided to all of us so that we can be reconciled with your holy nature. i love you father, for you have first loved me.

i pray today, that u remind me you have victory over sin, that u remind me while i am weak, you made me strong by your righteousness, that u remind me i don't have to succumb to my human nature and my weakness, and that i can rely on you again... i need your grace father.

be with me as i walk in this turmoil... remind me of your powers and your mercies. i feel torn apart, and i need you in my life. it is disgusting, it's an irritating feeling, and i know you are with me as i walk this agony.

father, be with her too, as she makes decisions, may she also do things which glorify you and not in a selfish manner. grant her wisdom in this period of time, give her courage to face up to what she needs to. father may you bless her and keep her heart close to you and not be shaken by things happening around.

father forgive me of my sinful nature and my weakness, and let your glory shine through. let not my weakness take over my mind and my body, and let your Spirit be the one that is with me than my own human nature. i want to abide in your love, and not in what i want carnally. father may you work mightily. Deliver me out of this. hear my cry, and give me comfort, and send your spirit to guard my heart and mind against the work of my flesh and weakness and the devil.

i pray in your son's most precious and holy name.

just remember a few things ok:

1) God loves u
2) there r ppl who care 4 u...

and i love u too. but... i rly can't say it... i dowan it to affect u... i know u hav many more things to do for God, and i too hav other responsibilities at hand...

but i rly love u too. if u do go with others, just make sure u hav discerned and thought through that decision. i will try not to b jealous... i mean i shldn't even be...

i just feel crazily confused... it's so not human to react this way.

God... help me. teach me to love, and remind me of ur love, and rly give me strength and courage to face this situation... i know it's not all bad when i focus on ur glory, but when my own fleshly desires kick in it's rly not fun. honestly, it is not. and i wanna say... deliver me from temptation too God.

mayb i shld start to find that line between loving others... yet at same time keep some room for self-preservation

idc if i am weak. God will make me strong. but i do want to make a few things heard in this private public space. HAHA. wells. if u know what i mean.

if i love u and yet u accepted someone else, of course it's gonna be disgusting to watch this whole process. but in time to come i believe... i gonna witness it. 我不喜欢承认我放得下。but i just feel... idk. i need to let go. i need to stop being jealous. it is burning me. and God is burning me... in a weird sanctification.

i rly duno wad to say, God is giving us such ambivalent directions... and burning the jealousy.

i m rly torn. i m scared. n i really need to lean on God's perfect love. i don't know. i m disgusted... really fearful of the future... i hav cap to maintain, my parent's mood, my future rgding r'ships.... help me God... help me...

God i trust in ur promises... yet... i m stupidly faithless, n i m so weak, n ur glory is really the end point. i want to be there... n provide me with the peace i need. i cry to u. honestly, i m fucked up. i really want to learn to love... yet the process to learn to love, is so hard...i m gonna die of liver cancer soon learning how to do it....

God lets just say this. u know why i like her... and u have been purifying it day by day. n in all honesty, u know. yes she's pretty, her personality is likeable. but no shit, u hav shown me sth. so what? i like her, those are just bonus factors. but truth is, clearly... she really seeks u as well. that's crazy, i never liked a girl who fits such description. i was more bothered by figure and behaviour last time. n now, i m more bothered by the convictions of the other party, and also whether this person prefers christ over secular issues.