i'm juz a kid, and life is a fkin nightmare.

life is cruel. does it have to force me to turn to religious help all the time? it may sound stupid to many. pray to god for wad? like as if there is use. heh. but sorry atheist kids, lao die does pray to god. but other than such divine help, is it working? i like to tink it works to a certain extent.

but anyways. why everytime in the night, i will start to tink crap. and stress will get to me. and i will turn mad. does this need to happen? why everybody life seem to b simple. maybe it seems. SEEMs. in the day, i look okok, normal. talk quite alot of nonsense. but is this the truth? there are many problems that have been invoked with me, though stuff has only started for 5 weeks. 35 days. 35 days, and probably millions of thoughts are in my mind. they can b grouped into juz a few main issues. but the details make it disgusting.

do i have to delude myself each day, that nothing is wrong and life can go on as per normal? i duno. some people dun have to. it's so easy to be themselves. but it is so difficult for me. i have many problems which probably soon will make me suffer from borderline personality disorder, featured on yu's blog 12th or 11th march i tink. question is, can i show this problem? probably not. cos other ppl will tink i am a weak person. a useless person. unable to face up to such difficulties. gay fag. can't take hardships. but i tell u a secret. try to be wad i am now, and understand what sort of a person i am. currently the only way to describe is juz fucked up.

ppl who are close to me know that i dun usually use fuck. i use hokkien ones and usually mean them in a joking manner. now it's not. i am using it in a vulgar manner. and this means there is something wrong. there is juz one problem. i am not able to disclose this problem here, or else i will draw unwanted public attention. of course. it's juz like yu. he types millions of words of philosophical stuff. but all are very abstract. we cannot run away from it.

and at the end of the day, ppl reading this will think that i am a weak person, unable to face the challenges of life. unable to take hardship. but idiots out there, i tell u. this is not about taking hardship. it is about being able to cope with a problem which is more abstract than hardship itself. a deadly concoction of all things. i tell u, after this, even more ppl will start to say i making an excuse to tell myself that actually i am not a lousy person. ppl will tink heh, bo lan pa kia trying to get himself balls by buying it from karang guni. chao ji bai. if that is wad u tink, u can come and hav coffee with me. and if u tink u hav the method to solve my problems, i will treat u coffee instead. but if u tink i am weak, i am a useless person, dun blady hell bother to approach me. cos it juz means u do not know me well.