i need a space to live out my convictions.

i don't believe that i should work overseas. i want to work in SG eventually.

next, have my post-grad options been too driven by what others say? so at the end of the day let's do a quick analysis: the only thing binding me is the AUS, which binds me to study a PhD, anywhere. anywhere of my choice.

must i go overseas? no. so let's be clear. what voices speak to say go overseas?

family - they say that it is "better to develop overseas", better opportunities, less realities. they say that it'd be less stressful etc. they say that there'd be better job opportunities once i have gone overseas. haha... is that right? have we been too money minded here?

staying here... what are serious cons? staying here gets me access into the market here. means the research scene, conferences etc that are held here. not a bad thing in itself. but problem being a lot of perception issues. not many profs are purely SG bred... and many current workers are not from SG.

but are we being too led by perceptions and opinions? i am not here to live for ppl to assume something about me.

i dun think i shld live to satisfy and satiate ppl's whims and wants. they may think that it is a wise choice for me, but they gotta be honest with themselves. is it their whims? or is it truly my calling? we have to be real serious here.

if loving means letting you go, den Lord, help me to surrender to this truth.

God i pray that you will let us be together. but Your will is more important. obedience to her parents is more important than us. Your will is greater and higher. Your established commandments shall be done at the expense of my preference.

o God help me accept this situation. and forgive me for all that sin, all that lust.

be merciful to me...

o God may your love be the element that speaks in my speech.

may Your wisdom be the guide, and may Your Spirit come to enlighten the blind. those who are blind both to Your faith, and those who are blinded by a lie of Your Holy Nature.

why must it be that only when shit hit the fan then all these important things are spoken?

but yet at the same time the same question. u do all these things. i know they are out of ur love and concern. but why are they so pre-meditated? they are supposed to b your expressions of love. but why in the end they are met with negativity? pls. think about it.

stop just playing the game of ought-ness.

look at the relational aspect. u say u look forward to my presence. u think i don't know? i know it. but u know it's tough. why isit that i don't look forward to it? instead i force myself to make it a point to b back home. and instead it is met with expectation than anticipation. u are excited for me to be back but it is not communicated. i don't know what to say.

u say it's very hurting. and i know as well. but how do i say things? the truth is u know i make so much conscious effort to reverse all the negativity. but why did they build up in the first place?

i said a lot of times we are not engaging one another. we are not engaging in the thoughts and emotions. instead we are just imposing our preferences on one another. do u not see the problem? u are not engaging in the thoughts. u are still dumping ur insecurity and wants on me. when u go for a trip or go to restaurant, it is upon the pretext of making me happy. but do i really want that? do i want spending of big bucks on things that don't matter to me?

things that actually mattered... somehow were never in your purview. u like my company i know it. but why does it feel like u were never keen on what i bothered? u may not hav time for all of us it's fine. but never showed explicit interest. u know i m trying to reverse all these imagined attitudes. but it's hard when all i see is that you start to talk about studies. and u don't acknowledge it. u don't acknowledge the tension here.

i said many times it's not about the task. it's relational problems here. who can't work? but i m at a state that i have zero motivation of working. i mean, why work? for what?

i don't know why all ur focus seem to be on me working. i really hate it. and u are not even understanding it. you are not acknowledging it. u say you are. but here's the problem. ARE YOU COMMUNICATING? i can hear it but i can't listen. i hate this lie about persevering on. what comes out of this perseverance? all failure. it's just failure. it may not be true. but it's so systematically built into me.

THERE'S NO COMMS. no comms at all. why do u keep focusing on the tasks???? it's not the tasks now. i have no mood. no matter how exciting the task is now, it's tough you know. it's tough to operate on such a mental state. i feel like as if i m going on a PhD just to fulfill your inner happiness. that sounds wrong all of a sudden.

more importantly.

why is it that now i m always making an effort then i can know? why don't u do it obviously? i hav no idea. why is it that as i say, all these things i know on hindsight? i know all your bringing me on trip and making good food is for me. but i find it weird. why can't we just lead a normal life?

honestly i m not stressed by work you know, no matter how much u tink i m. in fact at this time i don't even know how to articulate the problem any more. u say u don't want me to get into big school. u just want me to do what God wants me to do. i don't know. the truth is previous times all the junk u said comes into play. pls last time u were telling me try for them. TRY FOR THEM. these words echo around my brain u know. they are imprisoning me. it's something that i don't want because i know these places are cauldron. but u still hope that i can. what are u hoping for? i tink the issue is we are not spending the time to align our hopes.

u say go for holiday. sure i go for holiday with u. in the end what? it's all about making urself happy. hav u wondered, why are we not? because we are bored? because we are disengaged? honestly a mixture of both. i tink i m very disengaged. those things aren't my preferences. nowadays i don't even know where i want to go. when i was younger i'd rather just go run around. nowadays? i don't know. mayb enjoy the nite in the city and sit in a 24h cafe and rot.

but to u that's not holiday.
-----------
u see. there's so much misalignment. and u never bothered to align. u just want to do the stuff that u think is loving me. ah here maybe we are getting somewhere. u keep doing the stuff which u assume is loving me, but it is not being registered in my head as love. it is being registered in my head as u wanna do what u wan to do.

and that's y i feel like as if i m making an effort to let u love me. u tell me u love me thru these actions. now u listen to me. i m allowing myself to b loved by u. seriously. i m doing that u know? it is tough. but as a son to love u i m doing that. u know how tough it is? to consciously tell myself, ok my mum is being nice here let's do something that is totally not me to let her love and it is better that way?

u know how tough it is? and then when i go home, bunch of ppl watching TV. bunch of ppl who are not interested in my worldview. bunch of ppl who say my worldview is wrong and pathetic.

that's how i feel u know. YET I STILL COME HOME. when this is how i feel.
---------
mayb it's just all a systematic lack of communication over the years
mayb it's true that we are not listening to one another.
or that i m listening but there's no chance for me to speak. and that when i speak u don't hear.
ppl talking w/o speaking, ppl hearing w/o listening
maybe we just need more healing and stop expecting of each other.

你永远不懂我伤悲，像白天不懂夜的黑。

i m like in a valley or a plateau, whichever it is. basically an echo-less place. i m asking for directions and help, and all i get pointed to is the prison in my mind.

i want to b out of this prison. i was a lot more free before this. what caused my downfall?

isit a lack of girlfriend? really? is it that simple? i tink it isn't that simple. over time i hav come to accept and realize and prefer that this is God's timing.

but the bigger challenge has come to hit my butt. after 3 years of not studying in the right manner and just prepping for tests... my smartness has reached the limit. i cannot cheat the system anymore. i can't be investing in bowling and Bible while being able to perform in the exam and assignment.

what the fuck?

and when these happen, i try to remedy the situation by... fucking presenteeism. i m in front of the com, all i can do is not work. i m just doubting my ability to produce and perform and understand content at a reasonable level. and in the end i waste time scaring myself and doubting. end up.. study nothing, do nothing, worry about everything...

and i m in this state now, once in a while i just feel like disappearing from the world. sometimes it's by ending my life, sometimes it's by disappearing and attracting excess attention for a moment. no one's listening.

or mayb it's just the ppl who matter who need to listen, and they aren't. instead i believe that they are just dumping their expectation on me, and not bothering to bother about my worries. interestingly, mayb it's just my mother only or sth. she isn't listening. she is just rationalizing everything away, assuming i m turning a bit mad cos i m young. but fuck. pls. can u fucking listen? can you fucking listen? i m not that science nerd u think of the whole day. i used to like math and science. but honestly, because it is easy. it was fucking easy to me. i don't think i like it cos i like it. they don't turn me on. honestly look at what i read after school and lessons. newspaper is a minimum. sports mayb. but another thing that interest me are all those weird discussion. societal problems; feminism; theological debates; morality debates; philosophical discussion; econ cynicism; rise and fall of capitalism etc. i don't know.

can u fucking stop pretending that i love science experiments? i think that's a serious problem. u assume i do and u can't accept that i have changed after few years in sch and my interactions. all u wanted to do from young is to control who i interact wif.

but i m sorry. who i met? cvcf staff worker; cvcf friends; fellowship friends. and all these ppl, it's not that they hate sci expt. is that we value something else more. which is God, and people. PEOPLE and GOD. not fucking material and physical shit. these things are your fucking comfort zone. u can't get out of it, because u are running from something... u are worried of handling the human portion is it? that's why u box up ur son in that scientific mindset?

mayb i shld stop being so cynical and imagining things. but that's true. i feel that she isn't listening. she has boxed me up. and she's doing nothing to help the situation.

luckily there are others who are listening, and are speaking life, instead of binding me via expectation and "preaching their own version of the law" and instead telling me to live by the Spirit. there's a difference between trying my best and working my ass off by my own strength, and working hard under the framework of living by the Spirit.

and mind u, honestly, the reason why i come home, is to live by the Spirit. if i don't love God i won't even come home. God tells me to honour my father and mother no matter how crappy they are. and honestly on surface they can be crappy emotionally. but i tell myself to practice Phil 4:8. it's not a reflex thing. it is a conscious 3 second later control mechanism, not the reflexive thing, no matter how sad u think i m. the truth is to live by the Spirit i always tell myself u have made whatever whatever physical prep for me to be back.

BUT I WLD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE, HONESTLY, U THINK THAT IS LOVE? ok b fair to u, that's ur version of love. fine. but i tell u that isn't what i "need". i don't know how to say it. it's not that i don't appreciate. it is that... whenever i m back... all i see is ppl watching TV and no one bothering about me. fucking sad u know.

all u do is work and expect that i come back and love u. u think i m robot? pls.

and all u speak in, is a language that is unenlightened. u speak through ur insecurity. u don't speak of the Spirit.

i have no wiser way to say something anymore. mayb u can rationalize away this as some temporal angst. but i tell u ever since april it is bursting out already. ever since that time u insinuate i m wasting my time away when actually i m suffering serious presenteeism, sitting at the com and worrying. and u are not even worried! instead u say why m i so dumb? i m suffering a serious mental problem and u not doing a shit to alleviate the situation.

o God, open our eyes and forgive our sins. teach us to speak words stemming from Your love than to shoot crap out of our weakness. let us speak words of life, words of the gospel, words of Your power to change one another. forgive us where we spoke of our weakness and limited understanding. teach us to speak out of faith and Your grace too.

不知为何有种怪怪的感觉。

everyone's hi and bye-ing, and i just feel like as if, did i miss something in these few years staying in a residential college community?

i don't really know why my better friends are probably the fellows and master and not the fellow students. why is there this weird rift?

maybe because i did not find the place that really engaged me at a deep level, intellectually or spiritually. or was it that i was lording over people for the longest time and never really took time off to intentionally connect. i don't really know. but the amalgamation of issues make me feel a little, idk. messy?

an engineer is rather quick wif the math.

at the same time he knows how to calculate his ethanol intake by venue.

let alone a true engineer which is doing bio-engienering in terms of produicing butanol and ethanol in % volume. fuck.

"Yet, the pressure put on the grapes is turning them to sweet wine. Likewise, if I yield to the work of the Holy Spirit in these daily pressures I’ll progressively find myself producing good fruit."
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-daily-work-of-the-spirit

may Jesus deliver me and the Spirit be with me in this time of extended mental and emotional turmoil. just too hard for a fallen man like me to deal with.

there are just too many ancient scars that are not properly healed over time.

theoretically i know, let me forgive. but when the triggers happen... they cannot be avoided. i start to subconsciously hear what happened in the past. all that passive-aggressive attitude. all that lack of empathy. all that lack of understanding. all that disinterest in my life.

i guess all children grow up, and when we grow up we see the lack in our parents. it's not really their fault. but those mistakes leave an indelible mark in our souls. it's rather serious in my case.

take the recent example, when all was going wrong, and my mother starts to decide to bring up every single wrong-doing and give no encouragement. zero. there was none. but she does not engage with it and spend effort to understand the situation. all she wanted to do was to prove that i was wrong. proving her supremacy was more important than a hurting child. tough to realize that at the end of the day this is who my mother is. repeating the stories of the gov't instead of learning to love her child.

what is love? to her, it seems to be cooking a great meal when i m back home from army and sch; bringing me for big dinner during birthday; bringing me on a holiday trip as far as possible.

but could she identify a problem? that why is her son sick of all these? the truth is, i find it sickening. these are not displays of love in my opinion. i get it that she may assume that those are displays of her love. but in truth, i can't "feel" it. i can't "sense" it. they are like... not even symbolic. she isn't spending time to understand what i need.

i m really sick of all these big things because they are so... meaningless. they are like voids. even when we go on these we don't talk. nothing is done. all those holiday trips were more like fulfilling the whims and wants of my father and/or my mother. they weren't about us. nothing is being communicated for that matter. i m not being communicated with. my life is just, whatever they expect it to be. when i fall short of that expectation, all sorts of passive aggressive and passive resentment and/or resignation are displayed.

is this how u wld like a son to be?

who are my better friends? those that don't challenge my view offensively. those who sit down to listen to me and probe my understanding when needed. even when they probe there isn't any big opposition. those whom i call and i know they will listen.

instead what does my parents do? my father is naturally distant. i won't call him unless i m dying. my mother, nowadays i can't call her anymore. she isn't understanding. she isn't sitting down to listen to my problems. she is here to dump more responsibility and burden on my head. she claims that she isn't and family is the only place where unconditional help arrives. are u sure?

i don't see any unconditional help. mayb to them it's all about material help. i say, fuck that. what does material mean? i rather we squeeze in a 1 room flat and hav more time to talk to one another, than stay so close but emotionally distant thanks to all those tv and devices we have. when i m back home, it seems like the good food suffices. there's no bloody interaction and engagement.

what does she ask at home? how is school? do you bloody understand that school means shit to me? it's everything else which make sense. the Bible study time. the praying time. the talking time. the BGR struggles. the human conflicts. these things are what excite me. what's school? bunch of boring and meaningless equations. they never excited me. those were more like means to an end.

and you don't bother understanding that this is me.

instead all u bother is whether i m loving studying. i hate it because of all these expectations. i cannot be bound by these things. they make me puke. these bonds make me puke. they put me under yoke and chain. they hinder my full expression of my soul.

and it seems that my mother prefers to keep me under the bondage of the system. why bother about this material and binding system? break out of it.

i m even getting a headache writing this. because there is so much unresolved talk. and yet my mother rationalizes these things away as growing pains. at least that is what i see. mayb she feels more than what i see. but this is what i see. i don't see any care, any true concern or love.

love, is it just all that good food and travel? where is the true connection? whatever it is. emotionally, supporting my pursuits, advice without pre-conceived value judgments.

if u ask me about deciding a life for myself, all i can say is, i won't bring my child up this way.

to be fair then, my father should take some of the responsibility.

always avoiding the difficult talk. always being passive-aggressive. actually he may just be the root of the problem. never present in truly difficult situations. all we knew was his unhappy and black face at everything. if it's so hard for u to give up time to be a father then don't be lah. pls. want to have kids, boast to the world that you invest in children, first thing once they reach certain age u don't bother a shit about them. in fact it is ur children fucking making effort to connect wif ur ideas and thoughts, and all u do is boast abt ur adeptness at the workplace.

seriously? that's a father? and i wonder what u do to my mother. now i see why a divorce was on the cards that time. divorce was nearly on the table cos all u did was to give her stress i see. u mad bro? but honestly, that's my observation. u may want to make all sorts of excuses about what i say.

but sorry that's what ur son saw. ur son is not so stupid. i m seeing all these issues. and i hav my own stand on issues. too bad, i m not a programmable robot. this is what i m seeing. if these uncovering of sins is hard for u to swallow, too bad. honestly, too bad.

u never made the effort to clarify what happened over the years. and this is but a small culmination. i don't think this is the full expression of the mess of emotions i m dealing with everyday.

nowadays i make effort to pray about this, and for God to forgive and put in me that heart of forgiveness. but truth is, if u continue to behave in this way, all i hav is more and more negative impressions of you 2. deal with it. if u want to blame me back, don't be too surprised if negative defensive mechanisms start to appear.

已经失去我自己。没什么奋斗的鼓气，没什么集中的感觉。