score 100% for effort and meaning, 0% for impression.

discouraged. naturally discouraged at my place. no one motivates u. u dun see anyone working. u only see discouraged, disillusioned ppl. or at least, that is my view. that is wad i see.

and why i see that? definitely, i haven't seen any positives. only glimmer, light at end of tunnel feelings. hai.

differentiation between need and want: there are no black and white rules.

yea. black and white.

i shld learn how to play grey. but rmb, play grey. can. who to trust? beware. who to not trust? take note. who i can depend on and will not let me down? haha...

some definitely will let me down. some 得寸进尺. some will take advantage of wad i sae and use it back against me. it is up to me to balance. the easiest way to live life is not to help anyone, and hav no one to help you back. but i guess this is not the way many ppl live. many ppl prefer the darkness. they love playing in darkness.

i haven't been brought up in darkness. i've been brought up in the light, and people who use light to fight against darkness. and so far they have been successful in shining through the darkness. i wonder why i'm not.

i'll see where to take it from. do i need to exercise grey? i don't NEED to. no one insists i need to. if i live liddat, it's a life of favours. i do not like this sort of shitty uncertainties. i'm not v impressed with people who exercise grey. they tink going behind the back of others to work miracles makes others happy, and it's the one and only way to do so.

and there's a bunch who hav insatiable desires. they call it need. that's their perspective. but from a conscience wise, do they really NEED it? for example, do i NEED to go bowling? no. i don't need to go bowling. i don't believe they need it seriously.

my friend tell me think too much will 走火入魔

to some extent it's true. u overthink, and u over-worry. things that are not supposed to happen, unrealistic predictions will be conjured. you live in a state of paranoia. a state whereby everything makes too much sense, too much meaning.

but some rather live in the moment. get caught with the flow and follow it. u no need self-control in the sense, that all ur actions can be "with the flow". enjoy everything that comes, take things in your stride.

no idea. i rather that everything has a meaning. everything is deliberate. everything is thought through. preferably only tho... it's up to u to choose.

i believe the number of fb bday posts u get on ur wall is:

function of how many ppl sees the bday update + how many ppl bother about u + those who really know ur bday by heart + popularity. of which the first is probably the most impt? the rest are in random order.

every girl i know friend zone me.

every girl i chase says leave me be.

every guy i know says i 神经病

forever alone 是我的病

so the only person i can 100% be sure that loves me is god, as long as i love him. similarly, as long as i love something more than god, then god will probably fuck it up for me.

humans... i really wonder. every person has a different goal. if everyone sets their hearts upon the same aim, i believe great things can be done by a whole community, a whole group of like-minded people. great things can happen. it's juz whether ppl wan to find time and look to god together and get some guidance from there. everyone prefers themselves over god.

hence, god lets everyone be themselves. in the end, they will get absorbed by themselves; the more they get absorbed by themselves and wadeva they prefer over god, the more they want to be absorbed by themselves. from my reflection and interpretation (this one go and discern urself, dun believe me anyhow), hell is not about hellfire human burning wad shit.

god enjoys ppl burning? maybe he is sadistic to some.

to me, hell is a situation where a human prefers themselves over god. human get absorbed by wad they enjoy more than god. then they seek more of it. the more they seek of it, the less happy they get because they nid more of it to get satiated. think about money. a person wants money more than god. he find $1. not happy enuff. find $100. not happy enuff, wan fight for $100000. then still not enuff, wan more. hell is when u get absorbed in all this. when this happen, u feel the "hellfire" - u wan more of it, u can't find it, u feel miserable, fked up beyond all recognition. so did god create hellfire? i not sure. but i'm sure this can be the hellfire we ppl hav been talking about.

the other choice is there. choose god. god alr promise u, put him as centre of life, things will always be k, will b optimistic, will hav hope even in the shittiest of situation. u tink god like to mindfuck ppl? mayb he wan to mindfuck. i duno. but does he enjoy seeing ppl go find their own hellfire? i dun tink so. he has created a beautiful pathway for humans to go, but as human, we choose to act smart ma...

and end up in hellfire.

hav i ended up in temporary hellfire before? i guess many of times.

maybe to stop my 走火入魔，i just nid to start existing.

stop thinking.
start existing.
stop thinking.
start existing.

maybe then, i will lead a better life. but it's a 一去不回头 thing. once i start thinking, thoughts cannot b un-thought.

somebody help me

fkin self-centred bastard.

quite so. dun tink received much of a positive development from my father in terms of social skills and psychological development.

to tink i laughed so bloody loudly when i knew that my bro gf's father gave us royce, and much expensive goodies. instead of saying that i am so grateful and should give them sth back.

self-centred. that is me. after much reflection. idiot lei. probably dat is why i dun hav a gf. self-centred. everyting muz go according to my command. fkin hell.

today, i do know self-centredness. how to change? all the people around me alr know i am such a person. many guys around me dun rly care. many ppl dun rly bother. they only know i hav academic prowess and possess and autistic sense of resilience in the face of defeat.

fml. totally. i am self-centred, and ppl still bothering about me. those ppl who stop bothering about me, they send a good message to me. they should. because they are giving me the true worldview. all the rest, they juz... 敷衍 me? or isit juz can't bear to see me self-destruct? i believe there are a few who wants me to b gg-ed.

i tink it's a safe conclusion to sae, i better change b4 sth happens.

sometimes, i nid to hide my face somewhere, and juz wonder wad i'm doing.

blasting relationship wif girls one after another. is that rly smart? i dun tink so. haha. if i were mcp, i'd sae they are stupid not to see wad's good in me. but i probably can't afford such a thinking.

women. i rly wonder y i am looking for a gf. to some extent, i'm not looking for girlfren per se. i'm looking for potential wife. like ALREADY looking for potential wife at 20. is there anyting wrong? essentially no, theoretically no. but i tink it's prohibitively difficult for me to find one now. yea sure, hu'd willingly go for a date wif a guy hu only wants u as his super long term wife? i dun tink so. if i were a girl i may not even choose that, unless i wan a super stable and super nothing life. juz go wif the flow and live wif this cock of a guy.

so am i supposed to change? i rly wonder. i'm letting time do the change. and i'm juz hoping i wun get turned on so fast wif a girl. else it'd end up like so many others that i had b4. the story is probably i'd after 1 wk or 1 day or 1h of talking to a girl, get turned on, start to chase her, and phail thereafter.

good reflection for these past years. like seriously. if i realised this in sec sch, i may feel even better now. suck thumb, that i only get to find out now.

allow me a moment of 不要脸. if u know hu u are, which i believe u do, u dun rly hav to care. but if u are kaypoh to read this, i rly wonder why i'm still bothering about you. haha... be happy. i believe u can find it, like u nearly did. i'd probably feel v 满足 if u do.

i wonder why i'd only think about only 1 person.

ownership.

sth that we all wanna feel for ourselves.

fkin hell. now i c why there's a whole bunch of ppl hu wanna play rather than work. fkin cb. i tell u, u go tink about it. which parent from young will teach a child to go play instead of studying for test? u wan to make a child study, can. make him fail all his tests and then one day he fkin realises that he nids to study (shld i sae work hard to hone a skill) minimally before he can succeed in any sector in the society.

why i feel 0 motivation to go and apply my scholarships or think seriously about a job? i've never been given ownership of wad i do. u tink i really love to study v hard? i dun tink so. i dun feel the ownership in studying. my mother ask me apply scholarship. my father ask me go find wad i wan to do. yea sure bro, find wad i wan to do? bowling, slacking. cos these are the tings they dun tell me to do, but i do and get moderately ok doing them. i feel ownership. i feel like i built up the skills through my own hard work instead of someone's nagging. that's why i feel good doing those.

studying? sure, it gets me much positive attention from peers and teachers. but, fuck it. do i really feel as much pride in it as my 26th qual position in graded B? i dun tink so seriously. why so? cos, in our society, 99.9% (good estimate seriously) of ppl are asked by their parents to study. study as in academic, not even vocational tings. they dun really care about vocational stuff like seriously. i can cook, is that impt in many ppl eyes? no. i can make a good movie. is that impt in many ppl eyes here?

next, why i dun wana study. or hav less incentive to study seriously. my family is secretly financially secure. dat's wad i found out rather recently (mayb 3-5yr ago?). like seriously, i study for wad? i study liao my parents can support themselves. i study got use meh? 富不过三代. quite true. i'm the only 2nd gen of financial security. and i'm already taking such attitudes. i work hard, seriously my son/daughter can make it? haha. i wonder. in fact, mayb i wun even hav a child.

once again, study for wad? i mean, take scholarship for wad? public job really dat good? i'm still wondering.... is it the choice? is it THE choice? private sector may hav as much jobs requiring a pre-requisite of undergrad student, which is more challenging than some gov't jobs which can turn into a disillusionment. fuck it.

tink about it, i type so much. but no one reads this ting. haha. let it rot... someone hu sees this giv a pm to my msn or email or fb. mayb i nid serious counselling.

in every area of society, muz hav some idiots to make our mood foul.

some ppl really make u lose faith in the organisation, in the fraternity.

let me take an extreme example. islam. why ppl hav the impression islam sux? cos of bunch of terrorist. that's 简介 speaking. islam actly if u go study the doctrines it is also quite pure wad.

similar idea. when comes to wad i'm doing now, there muz b some guailan kia abusing their power to ka jiao others. really, is that very fun? i dun personally think so. why not everyone behave in a responsible manner, in a helpful manner, in a way that is constructive instead of a very reactive manner? fked up right? everyone only react to situations instead of taking a few pre-emptive measures and initiative? knn.

initiative. i dun really ask for much. but, plz la, do ur job properly, nth go wrong.

when it comes to dota, similarly, the same ting is happening. i am losing faith. bunch of idiots who when they win, will make noise, when they lose, they oso make noise. honestly la. win liao, like as if you have won wcg competition. lose liao, oso nid to sae hacking and using cheats. haha.

necessary? i dun tink so. but since u tink it's such an integral part of ur gaming life, plz go ahead. stand up straight out of ur online avatar in the real world. i want to c who u r. in this type of gaming, we can see what sort of person u are, and more importantly since everyting is virtual and more unrealistic than a sport, we can see the perversion in certain ppl's mind. fkin hell. i wun b surprised if man were so tempted by evil than by good. i have seen enuff everywhere wrt such perversion.

hence mayb i shld juz stick to sport. cos if someone nid to fight, he really has to.