really. as i continue reading, i continue to find where i hav failed. similarly, i continue to find where others hav failed.

as usual, i am very judgemental. is that wrong? some say yes, some say, if u're that way, maybe, juz be that way lo. wad hav i to say to myself? nth much. wad is real respect? wad is real altruism/kindness? what is real tolerance? what is real acceptance?

really, as a person, i never understood these concepts. i only know, shut my mouth, they liddat den let them liddat, they do this den let them etc. i only know, dun get myself into trouble, rmb to do good tings to others cos it's right and it's nice to do so, dun b selfish else ppl call u selfish nut, etc. lousy man i may be. but, how to "cure" this disease of mine?

i dun see anyting wrong in being so cynical in doing things. e.g. helping ppl not only for goodness' sake but also for my own impression, por lan pa here and there, be a dog here and there, for the sake of not only my benefits but also society's. i help society, i help myself. i muz confess, i never ever believed in wad altruism. i hav no idea why i dun hav that capacity.

but once again, is that wrong? some say, u're juz an idiot, a bastard, get a life, get a heart. i duno. i noe myself, because of such tinking, i'm driven once i hav a goal. let's juz hope, i will continue my kindness although many a time it is not about pure kindness only, let's hope i will continue to benefit society even if i'm seeking my own good, own personal selfish motives.

brings me to the self-esteem sort of questions. if i'm kind not because i'm really kind but because i know it's a good thing to do for myself, am i really kind?

maybe, i shld find my own answers myself.