a catharsis. after coming one round, i feel something. i feel ashamed of my good results.

for a few main points. to begin with, let's analyse from the very basic how i got the good results. in our dear education system, yes it's great for building considerably firm foundations in any topic. but sorry, even though i got good results, i really feel ashamed of it. why? i can safely tell u, even if i can score high marks, i know shit about them. i know less than another person getting d or e in a science maybe. case in point physics. sure i can do a calculation 20 times faster than others. but do i know the underlying meaning behind it? i safely tell u, at least 70% of the time i know shit about it. but ppl getting d and e can tell me the actual meaning. seriously. i feel damn ashamed of myself, i'm juz a marks jerker. i succeed in the freakin education system, but i know shit if u wanna go super esoteric.

in addition, let's bring in stuff which are not so arithmetic. let's bring in the analytical and critical thinking in languages, social sciences etc. even worse. sure i know the econs knowledge. i will never be able to give u an idea that is super out of the box. in world issues, sure i may know some pertinent points, evaluations, suggest u some methods to improve the situation or have an amicable discussion. but i never seem to be able to give incisive ideas. or even criticisms. my criticism are generally superficial, they touch nothing deep. sure, i potentially can score in gp with all these knowledge applied properly. but once again, it's shit, i do not feel proud of it because it's so bourgeois and robotic and methodic. any idiot when taught to do it will do as well as me. i'm juz an idiot seriously. wad's there to be proud of? instead, i shld b ashamed of myself to say that i potentially can do well. thus, although i hav generally good results, i'd sae i'm ashamed of myself.

moreover, when i touch on the idiot smart normal thing, it brings me to perceived values. sure, my "educational attainment" gives me an arbitrary value in society. i am called smart by certain ppl. and really, although i'm happy about being smart, i do not feel extremely glorious. sure, i gloat many a time about my greatness in getting good marks. ppl call me smart, clever, will succeed next time. there's a value assigned to me, that i will become successful. and this value assigned to me, i'm damned ashamed of it. really, do i deserve it? u tell me, u hav a lousier result than me, are u less human than me? NO. does a better result make me any a better person than u? NO. seriously, so why call myself smart? and let's question the assumption that i will be successful - do u really think i will be? and so what if i am? really. so what if i am successful? i am still a part of a community, a society, a country, a world. i am no different from another beggar on the street, i am not of greater worth. i feel ashamed to bask in the glory of my great results. i shldn't be doing that totally.

more. i am ashamed that i hav not gotten the momentum and the best ability to be able to use all these good results to ameliorate other's situation. i'm down here, trying to augment my wealth of knowledge, when obviously there are many who need the results more than me. this is 无奈. haha. yea, wadeva, they say i'm erudite man, go and contribute to society. i feel ashamed that i do not hav that FULL drive to help society overtly. even covertly. to add on, i am so ashamed, desired outcomes of education (DOE) for pre-uni students, one of them is for a student to be socially responsible. seriously, after getting over so long education, i really feel i'm so lousy, i do not harbour and embrace the ideas of being socially responsible; worse i advocate every man for himself. wad the shit. i'm really ashamed, all these years of education and making frens, i still harbour such anti-civilisation and primitive ideas, that shld be phased out by generally inclusive society here. i apparently, hav not got the good moral values in me. i don't know. maybe i ought to be ashamed i'm not practising certain of these good moral values though i know of them somewhere somewhere.

pen-ultimate conclusion: maybe i shld juz go fail all tests from now on, and walk on the streets. haha. then maybe i won't become ashamed, and another person will become ashamed of themselves for not donating food to me. HAHA and this is shooting myself in the foot, in fact in the head - i ought to be even more ashamed of such an idea.

ultimately: if i didn't study all these issues, i won't be ashamed of myself running the race of accruing status and climbing the societal status ladder. which is better? to be cognizant of such ideas, or ignorance is bliss? maybe i'm right and should be ashamed of myself and my good results, when i may not hav deserved all the "positive" remarks and projections of me, as well as the fact that i'm so damn apathetic to others.