time to show some signs of disillusionment/delusion. i see that there's a mental health week. and recently some of my fb circle post a lot about mental health. (i appreciate all of these.) but till today i have not received a satisfactory response about what happens when a student staying in an NUS residence/hall is at high risk of committing suicide and the follow up actions to it. so far many ppl claim that go to CPS. now, i need to play some bad memories here. CPS has not proven to me that it is really so noble in handling mental health cases. they just wanna kick you out of your residence to prevent suicide. that happened to someone in my circle before. this person talked about his past depression and suicide and some genuinely concerned ppl reported this to the staff, who escalated the matter to CPS. but sadly, how CPS dealt with the situation was to try to remove him out of the college. after going to IMH, IMH doctors all certified him as fine. but CPS was not very keen to allow him back into the residence. it took a whole 2 months or so of ding dong before he could finally stay back in the residence.

if CPS is only keen to do risk-management and has no interest in integrating students with mental health issues into their communities, i think it is basically useless. scrap it and allow other lay people to deal with mental support might as well.

i always wonder whether i m a fucked up son or that my parents had some big parenting mistakes somewhere.

apparently i rmb my mother saying that knowing how to love parents is a given. i am going to question that. is that true?

in my opinion, when growing up, all i was taught was to... sadly, do all things for my own good. (honour God is part of that picture, NOT the over-arching framework.) sure, what happened? became ultra-competitive, trying to outshine my older brother in level of "happening"-ness; masturbated and watch porn like crazy, cos it actually improves my "creativity", whatever that logic meant at that time and improves productivity (or maybe cos there was a competition: who cld wank more times in a day? or produce more cum?); worked hard to get good results; tried real damn hard (but failed) to impress any girls. yea. i was taught to be a studious person, and work for my own future good. but wells. i don't know if u count the above good.

but thank God, He changed these things for good. i realized porn was enslaving, and now am in the process of unwinding the process; i hate myself for chasing knowledge without proper understanding of income inequalities and chasing grades for selfish purposes; i saw that all these can be done in the sight of God and glory be given to Him.

but funnily enuff there's a part of me that hasn't really changed. since secondary sch... i my worldviews started diverging from my parents'... they seemed to like me going overseas to study. and i find that stifling. in fact, i find that whatever they say is extremely stifling. they choke me. i feel that whatever they say are just expectation after expectation. and i hate living up to it. i find that to be able to live up to those expectations, i need to become a fake person just to do so. i hated those expectations. i can't even begin to explain how much i find these expectations unnecessary, unsettling and stifling. they cause me to rot and hate my existence.

but they never really understood. even till now, i kind of assume that it is their secret fetish to send me overseas to MIT or some other big school. maybe even Cambridge. but for what? does going there achieve God's will? yes, i'd consider going these places. for theology. for engineering? don't choke me. i will only go unless God clearly gives me an indication. i will never go there to fulfill another's dream. i know that going to these places, i can't even cope with the stress.

and oh yes. did i just forget to say that, nearly half a year ago, i was stressed till i wanted to commit suicide? probably i didn't mention that somewhere. but i do seriously think after analysis with counsellor, that part of the reason i wanted to commit suicide was simply because... it is getting hard to bear. the expectations from scholarship; the expectations from at home to produce results; and partly how i can face up to others from my social circle (although i hav resolved this by being honest and vulnerable about suicide).

and now they still "encourage" me to... MIT, or suicide? i m not sure honestly.

pls label me as weak, unfilial etc. pls go ahead to do so. and hate me. pls hate me. because, i hate these of myself as well. i hate every part of me which is ungodly.

but honestly... upon deeper analysis wif help of my counsellor and friends, do i love my parents? yes i do. in fact i try really hard to figure out how to love them.

but i find that they never really realize this. i try to come home in the hope that they will speak to me, all i see are people obsessed, or to be fair, enslaved to their work. they can't stop working. and i know it's tough. it's tough to do their job, managing at a considerably high level. it's difficult. but hello, shall we by the power of God, lean on His Spirit to be a slave to righteousness? slave to righteousness, in practising ur beloved quotation in Eph 6? children to honour parents; and also parents to teach (ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF GOD, NOT SELF-PREFERENCE) and also NOT TO PROVOKE THE CHILD TO ANGER? have you wondered about your own communication styles? maybe you have. but have you seriously put in days and weeks of it?

i put in those hours to think of how to communicate at home and show love and appreciation until i go crazy, and burnt out emotionally. and all u do is come back and blast me for having a girlfriend? seriously? yea. i know, getting a girlfriend won't make you proud. fair enough. but i find your grounds for objecting... they are based on the assumption that your son is a dumb ass, making irrational and rash decisions. mayb i m making a poor assumption here. and maybe yall aren't implying what i think you are implying.

but i felt as if, i am your son and all you think of me is, i m bound to make a poor decision and die and cost a bomb to bail out of scholarship. but hello. let's get the order of God's law clear. is the bond of parent and child closer, or is the bond of husband and wife closer? think carefully before you answer. you are a parent you'll love to choose the former. but the Bible loudly says, the latter is actually the more intimate relationship.

no form of emotional blackmail towards me can change the reality of God's Word on this matter. but i also have no solution as to properly communicate this to u. i say this and u say i am unfilial and dishonouring. but yet if i don't hold on to this, i just lied about God's Word.

anw may the God of peace reign. the gospel of peace also. we aren't changed by any form of emotionalism, rationalism, or even emotional blackmail. we can only be changed by God's renewing power.

you may want to label me all you want to. kick me out of the house, of the country. but the truth is i will still use God's strength to love you. i honestly have only junk within my soul; but thanks to God who quickens my dead old man, i am a new life in Christ. may the new man be awake than sleeping thanks to the old man. and may God's Spirit do this quickening work.

i need a space to live out my convictions.

i don't believe that i should work overseas. i want to work in SG eventually.

next, have my post-grad options been too driven by what others say? so at the end of the day let's do a quick analysis: the only thing binding me is the AUS, which binds me to study a PhD, anywhere. anywhere of my choice.

must i go overseas? no. so let's be clear. what voices speak to say go overseas?

family - they say that it is "better to develop overseas", better opportunities, less realities. they say that it'd be less stressful etc. they say that there'd be better job opportunities once i have gone overseas. haha... is that right? have we been too money minded here?

staying here... what are serious cons? staying here gets me access into the market here. means the research scene, conferences etc that are held here. not a bad thing in itself. but problem being a lot of perception issues. not many profs are purely SG bred... and many current workers are not from SG.

but are we being too led by perceptions and opinions? i am not here to live for ppl to assume something about me.

i dun think i shld live to satisfy and satiate ppl's whims and wants. they may think that it is a wise choice for me, but they gotta be honest with themselves. is it their whims? or is it truly my calling? we have to be real serious here.

if loving means letting you go, den Lord, help me to surrender to this truth.

God i pray that you will let us be together. but Your will is more important. obedience to her parents is more important than us. Your will is greater and higher. Your established commandments shall be done at the expense of my preference.

o God help me accept this situation. and forgive me for all that sin, all that lust.

be merciful to me...

o God may your love be the element that speaks in my speech.

may Your wisdom be the guide, and may Your Spirit come to enlighten the blind. those who are blind both to Your faith, and those who are blinded by a lie of Your Holy Nature.

why must it be that only when shit hit the fan then all these important things are spoken?

but yet at the same time the same question. u do all these things. i know they are out of ur love and concern. but why are they so pre-meditated? they are supposed to b your expressions of love. but why in the end they are met with negativity? pls. think about it.

stop just playing the game of ought-ness.

look at the relational aspect. u say u look forward to my presence. u think i don't know? i know it. but u know it's tough. why isit that i don't look forward to it? instead i force myself to make it a point to b back home. and instead it is met with expectation than anticipation. u are excited for me to be back but it is not communicated. i don't know what to say.

u say it's very hurting. and i know as well. but how do i say things? the truth is u know i make so much conscious effort to reverse all the negativity. but why did they build up in the first place?

i said a lot of times we are not engaging one another. we are not engaging in the thoughts and emotions. instead we are just imposing our preferences on one another. do u not see the problem? u are not engaging in the thoughts. u are still dumping ur insecurity and wants on me. when u go for a trip or go to restaurant, it is upon the pretext of making me happy. but do i really want that? do i want spending of big bucks on things that don't matter to me?

things that actually mattered... somehow were never in your purview. u like my company i know it. but why does it feel like u were never keen on what i bothered? u may not hav time for all of us it's fine. but never showed explicit interest. u know i m trying to reverse all these imagined attitudes. but it's hard when all i see is that you start to talk about studies. and u don't acknowledge it. u don't acknowledge the tension here.

i said many times it's not about the task. it's relational problems here. who can't work? but i m at a state that i have zero motivation of working. i mean, why work? for what?

i don't know why all ur focus seem to be on me working. i really hate it. and u are not even understanding it. you are not acknowledging it. u say you are. but here's the problem. ARE YOU COMMUNICATING? i can hear it but i can't listen. i hate this lie about persevering on. what comes out of this perseverance? all failure. it's just failure. it may not be true. but it's so systematically built into me.

THERE'S NO COMMS. no comms at all. why do u keep focusing on the tasks???? it's not the tasks now. i have no mood. no matter how exciting the task is now, it's tough you know. it's tough to operate on such a mental state. i feel like as if i m going on a PhD just to fulfill your inner happiness. that sounds wrong all of a sudden.

more importantly.

why is it that now i m always making an effort then i can know? why don't u do it obviously? i hav no idea. why is it that as i say, all these things i know on hindsight? i know all your bringing me on trip and making good food is for me. but i find it weird. why can't we just lead a normal life?

honestly i m not stressed by work you know, no matter how much u tink i m. in fact at this time i don't even know how to articulate the problem any more. u say u don't want me to get into big school. u just want me to do what God wants me to do. i don't know. the truth is previous times all the junk u said comes into play. pls last time u were telling me try for them. TRY FOR THEM. these words echo around my brain u know. they are imprisoning me. it's something that i don't want because i know these places are cauldron. but u still hope that i can. what are u hoping for? i tink the issue is we are not spending the time to align our hopes.

u say go for holiday. sure i go for holiday with u. in the end what? it's all about making urself happy. hav u wondered, why are we not? because we are bored? because we are disengaged? honestly a mixture of both. i tink i m very disengaged. those things aren't my preferences. nowadays i don't even know where i want to go. when i was younger i'd rather just go run around. nowadays? i don't know. mayb enjoy the nite in the city and sit in a 24h cafe and rot.

but to u that's not holiday.
-----------
u see. there's so much misalignment. and u never bothered to align. u just want to do the stuff that u think is loving me. ah here maybe we are getting somewhere. u keep doing the stuff which u assume is loving me, but it is not being registered in my head as love. it is being registered in my head as u wanna do what u wan to do.

and that's y i feel like as if i m making an effort to let u love me. u tell me u love me thru these actions. now u listen to me. i m allowing myself to b loved by u. seriously. i m doing that u know? it is tough. but as a son to love u i m doing that. u know how tough it is? to consciously tell myself, ok my mum is being nice here let's do something that is totally not me to let her love and it is better that way?

u know how tough it is? and then when i go home, bunch of ppl watching TV. bunch of ppl who are not interested in my worldview. bunch of ppl who say my worldview is wrong and pathetic.

that's how i feel u know. YET I STILL COME HOME. when this is how i feel.
---------
mayb it's just all a systematic lack of communication over the years
mayb it's true that we are not listening to one another.
or that i m listening but there's no chance for me to speak. and that when i speak u don't hear.
ppl talking w/o speaking, ppl hearing w/o listening
maybe we just need more healing and stop expecting of each other.

你永远不懂我伤悲，像白天不懂夜的黑。

i m like in a valley or a plateau, whichever it is. basically an echo-less place. i m asking for directions and help, and all i get pointed to is the prison in my mind.

i want to b out of this prison. i was a lot more free before this. what caused my downfall?

isit a lack of girlfriend? really? is it that simple? i tink it isn't that simple. over time i hav come to accept and realize and prefer that this is God's timing.

but the bigger challenge has come to hit my butt. after 3 years of not studying in the right manner and just prepping for tests... my smartness has reached the limit. i cannot cheat the system anymore. i can't be investing in bowling and Bible while being able to perform in the exam and assignment.

what the fuck?

and when these happen, i try to remedy the situation by... fucking presenteeism. i m in front of the com, all i can do is not work. i m just doubting my ability to produce and perform and understand content at a reasonable level. and in the end i waste time scaring myself and doubting. end up.. study nothing, do nothing, worry about everything...

and i m in this state now, once in a while i just feel like disappearing from the world. sometimes it's by ending my life, sometimes it's by disappearing and attracting excess attention for a moment. no one's listening.

or mayb it's just the ppl who matter who need to listen, and they aren't. instead i believe that they are just dumping their expectation on me, and not bothering to bother about my worries. interestingly, mayb it's just my mother only or sth. she isn't listening. she is just rationalizing everything away, assuming i m turning a bit mad cos i m young. but fuck. pls. can u fucking listen? can you fucking listen? i m not that science nerd u think of the whole day. i used to like math and science. but honestly, because it is easy. it was fucking easy to me. i don't think i like it cos i like it. they don't turn me on. honestly look at what i read after school and lessons. newspaper is a minimum. sports mayb. but another thing that interest me are all those weird discussion. societal problems; feminism; theological debates; morality debates; philosophical discussion; econ cynicism; rise and fall of capitalism etc. i don't know.

can u fucking stop pretending that i love science experiments? i think that's a serious problem. u assume i do and u can't accept that i have changed after few years in sch and my interactions. all u wanted to do from young is to control who i interact wif.

but i m sorry. who i met? cvcf staff worker; cvcf friends; fellowship friends. and all these ppl, it's not that they hate sci expt. is that we value something else more. which is God, and people. PEOPLE and GOD. not fucking material and physical shit. these things are your fucking comfort zone. u can't get out of it, because u are running from something... u are worried of handling the human portion is it? that's why u box up ur son in that scientific mindset?

mayb i shld stop being so cynical and imagining things. but that's true. i feel that she isn't listening. she has boxed me up. and she's doing nothing to help the situation.

luckily there are others who are listening, and are speaking life, instead of binding me via expectation and "preaching their own version of the law" and instead telling me to live by the Spirit. there's a difference between trying my best and working my ass off by my own strength, and working hard under the framework of living by the Spirit.

and mind u, honestly, the reason why i come home, is to live by the Spirit. if i don't love God i won't even come home. God tells me to honour my father and mother no matter how crappy they are. and honestly on surface they can be crappy emotionally. but i tell myself to practice Phil 4:8. it's not a reflex thing. it is a conscious 3 second later control mechanism, not the reflexive thing, no matter how sad u think i m. the truth is to live by the Spirit i always tell myself u have made whatever whatever physical prep for me to be back.

BUT I WLD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE, HONESTLY, U THINK THAT IS LOVE? ok b fair to u, that's ur version of love. fine. but i tell u that isn't what i "need". i don't know how to say it. it's not that i don't appreciate. it is that... whenever i m back... all i see is ppl watching TV and no one bothering about me. fucking sad u know.

all u do is work and expect that i come back and love u. u think i m robot? pls.

and all u speak in, is a language that is unenlightened. u speak through ur insecurity. u don't speak of the Spirit.

i have no wiser way to say something anymore. mayb u can rationalize away this as some temporal angst. but i tell u ever since april it is bursting out already. ever since that time u insinuate i m wasting my time away when actually i m suffering serious presenteeism, sitting at the com and worrying. and u are not even worried! instead u say why m i so dumb? i m suffering a serious mental problem and u not doing a shit to alleviate the situation.

o God, open our eyes and forgive our sins. teach us to speak words stemming from Your love than to shoot crap out of our weakness. let us speak words of life, words of the gospel, words of Your power to change one another. forgive us where we spoke of our weakness and limited understanding. teach us to speak out of faith and Your grace too.

不知为何有种怪怪的感觉。

everyone's hi and bye-ing, and i just feel like as if, did i miss something in these few years staying in a residential college community?

i don't really know why my better friends are probably the fellows and master and not the fellow students. why is there this weird rift?

maybe because i did not find the place that really engaged me at a deep level, intellectually or spiritually. or was it that i was lording over people for the longest time and never really took time off to intentionally connect. i don't really know. but the amalgamation of issues make me feel a little, idk. messy?

an engineer is rather quick wif the math.

at the same time he knows how to calculate his ethanol intake by venue.

let alone a true engineer which is doing bio-engienering in terms of produicing butanol and ethanol in % volume. fuck.

"Yet, the pressure put on the grapes is turning them to sweet wine. Likewise, if I yield to the work of the Holy Spirit in these daily pressures I’ll progressively find myself producing good fruit."
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-daily-work-of-the-spirit

may Jesus deliver me and the Spirit be with me in this time of extended mental and emotional turmoil. just too hard for a fallen man like me to deal with.