it is as fucked up for you to claim to consider the interest of the church, as it is for another person who claims to consider his/her own self-interest in spiritual growth.

you claim to consider the interest of the church and hence do things. but in the process u butcher and demolish relationships, and claim that you build the church. come i clap for you. you did a great job my friend to build your own kingdom, and not the Lord's.

you assume that you are justified for parroting the interest of the church. but let me tell u what's happening. u are destroying the good relationships people have in church, and their relationship with the Lord. if you feel better doing that, come i clap for you again. you want claps right? or what do you want? if u work for the Lord, go fucking build the r'ship. what you doing? being Pharisee? did that ever help a stumbled brother? dafuq is in your head.

pain is pain. 痛，就是得说痛.

i am getting disturbed by what is happening outside of me.

so it seems that a certain church member has uptook seriously various ideas. seems like there is a stark contrast between what is "righteous" and what isn't. and seems like "righteousness" is a word-faith belief, that one must be healed when one prays; one must have the hope that complete healing will happen on earth instead of in heaven; one should only wish good things from God and any "observed evil" must be from the devil, and we need to reclaim such spaces from God.

i am not sure, if such a person labels that i am going to a church that is sowing damnation and death to its members, how righteous is he? i thought he should be practising some Prov 18:21 and also some Eze 37. why is he speaking death? he seems to be cursing me instead of speaking life into me. if i am already taken by the evil one, then he shld be reclaiming me instead of sending me to the devil. 

on all accounts his theology fails and seems self-centred than interested in God's redemption for others. if he is so burdened for the lost he should also be thinking of how to let God's healing and salvation flow in others, instead of having little faith in people.

if u are interested in positive psychology and hypnotic suggestion, sure. i think there are churches that do better.

even with the conviction and anointing of the Holy Spirit... it is difficult to fight against sin. our passions and lust win over us and we grieve the Spirit, and we hate ourselves for that... we hate our sinful nature...

but we are stuck in human flesh. i guess this is the sanctification... a person can see his own perfection, but yet the current state is just... weak and unable to be God Himself.

am i very much better than others whom i think are great sinners? not really. esp after being revealed such a serious lack of righteousness in my life. i guess... the Lord brings me to this state to know how to pray for others in their sin... their blindness to sin... and be their high priest... pray for them, intercede...

we are weak as humans but we have hope in our Great High Priest.

so what if various movements have created spectacles at times, and often times? does that mean that these causes matter more than others?

seriously? a person who is sick, yet does not think he is sick, probably has no need of a doctor.

a person who is obviously sick and yet thinks that he is whole due to the magical healing power of Jesus, i guess he doesn't need the saviour any more again. when the Saviour is truly the one he needs.

if you have pronounced yourself whole, but still look broken, it isn't others who are seeing broken stuff, but that u r truly broken. and to make urself whole, u need to find ur NEED for the saviour again. mindlessly confessing that u r whole doesn't open up the healing power of Jesus into ur life.

the most smug thing a person can do is to reject someone else's love. sure you may not be required to reciprocate some queer or hostile packaged love. but when it is genuine and you reject it, you just became the deepest hater.

and sure, you speak of grace, but u are not even interested in treating others with the same grace. is that God's grace to you, one that looks down upon people of a different creed in the non-essentials? or have you labelled them as lower than pariahs, lower than unbelievers?

when the Lord talked about anathema and the accursed through Paul, it is people who are actively out to undermine the power of Jesus' death on the cross via carrying out certain external acts of the Mosaic law. never did Paul suggest that anathema are people who have not had the same revelation of the Spirit as you, and are just holding fast to what they have learnt thus far (Phil 3:15).

your patience has run out, so you can do righteous anger? wow. the Lord is true righteousness, and truly more patient (2 Pet 3). receive more righteousness from the Lord there and learn to love.

labelling game ain't got no use in achieving the will of God and is definitely not an act of the righteous man. (well, it's a self-righteous man then)

hello world. coming back to write some junk over here. but this acer com is dying soon...

time to show some signs of disillusionment/delusion. i see that there's a mental health week. and recently some of my fb circle post a lot about mental health. (i appreciate all of these.) but till today i have not received a satisfactory response about what happens when a student staying in an NUS residence/hall is at high risk of committing suicide and the follow up actions to it. so far many ppl claim that go to CPS. now, i need to play some bad memories here. CPS has not proven to me that it is really so noble in handling mental health cases. they just wanna kick you out of your residence to prevent suicide. that happened to someone in my circle before. this person talked about his past depression and suicide and some genuinely concerned ppl reported this to the staff, who escalated the matter to CPS. but sadly, how CPS dealt with the situation was to try to remove him out of the college. after going to IMH, IMH doctors all certified him as fine. but CPS was not very keen to allow him back into the residence. it took a whole 2 months or so of ding dong before he could finally stay back in the residence.

if CPS is only keen to do risk-management and has no interest in integrating students with mental health issues into their communities, i think it is basically useless. scrap it and allow other lay people to deal with mental support might as well.

i always wonder whether i m a fucked up son or that my parents had some big parenting mistakes somewhere.

apparently i rmb my mother saying that knowing how to love parents is a given. i am going to question that. is that true?

in my opinion, when growing up, all i was taught was to... sadly, do all things for my own good. (honour God is part of that picture, NOT the over-arching framework.) sure, what happened? became ultra-competitive, trying to outshine my older brother in level of "happening"-ness; masturbated and watch porn like crazy, cos it actually improves my "creativity", whatever that logic meant at that time and improves productivity (or maybe cos there was a competition: who cld wank more times in a day? or produce more cum?); worked hard to get good results; tried real damn hard (but failed) to impress any girls. yea. i was taught to be a studious person, and work for my own future good. but wells. i don't know if u count the above good.

but thank God, He changed these things for good. i realized porn was enslaving, and now am in the process of unwinding the process; i hate myself for chasing knowledge without proper understanding of income inequalities and chasing grades for selfish purposes; i saw that all these can be done in the sight of God and glory be given to Him.

but funnily enuff there's a part of me that hasn't really changed. since secondary sch... i my worldviews started diverging from my parents'... they seemed to like me going overseas to study. and i find that stifling. in fact, i find that whatever they say is extremely stifling. they choke me. i feel that whatever they say are just expectation after expectation. and i hate living up to it. i find that to be able to live up to those expectations, i need to become a fake person just to do so. i hated those expectations. i can't even begin to explain how much i find these expectations unnecessary, unsettling and stifling. they cause me to rot and hate my existence.

but they never really understood. even till now, i kind of assume that it is their secret fetish to send me overseas to MIT or some other big school. maybe even Cambridge. but for what? does going there achieve God's will? yes, i'd consider going these places. for theology. for engineering? don't choke me. i will only go unless God clearly gives me an indication. i will never go there to fulfill another's dream. i know that going to these places, i can't even cope with the stress.

and oh yes. did i just forget to say that, nearly half a year ago, i was stressed till i wanted to commit suicide? probably i didn't mention that somewhere. but i do seriously think after analysis with counsellor, that part of the reason i wanted to commit suicide was simply because... it is getting hard to bear. the expectations from scholarship; the expectations from at home to produce results; and partly how i can face up to others from my social circle (although i hav resolved this by being honest and vulnerable about suicide).

and now they still "encourage" me to... MIT, or suicide? i m not sure honestly.

pls label me as weak, unfilial etc. pls go ahead to do so. and hate me. pls hate me. because, i hate these of myself as well. i hate every part of me which is ungodly.

but honestly... upon deeper analysis wif help of my counsellor and friends, do i love my parents? yes i do. in fact i try really hard to figure out how to love them.

but i find that they never really realize this. i try to come home in the hope that they will speak to me, all i see are people obsessed, or to be fair, enslaved to their work. they can't stop working. and i know it's tough. it's tough to do their job, managing at a considerably high level. it's difficult. but hello, shall we by the power of God, lean on His Spirit to be a slave to righteousness? slave to righteousness, in practising ur beloved quotation in Eph 6? children to honour parents; and also parents to teach (ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF GOD, NOT SELF-PREFERENCE) and also NOT TO PROVOKE THE CHILD TO ANGER? have you wondered about your own communication styles? maybe you have. but have you seriously put in days and weeks of it?

i put in those hours to think of how to communicate at home and show love and appreciation until i go crazy, and burnt out emotionally. and all u do is come back and blast me for having a girlfriend? seriously? yea. i know, getting a girlfriend won't make you proud. fair enough. but i find your grounds for objecting... they are based on the assumption that your son is a dumb ass, making irrational and rash decisions. mayb i m making a poor assumption here. and maybe yall aren't implying what i think you are implying.

but i felt as if, i am your son and all you think of me is, i m bound to make a poor decision and die and cost a bomb to bail out of scholarship. but hello. let's get the order of God's law clear. is the bond of parent and child closer, or is the bond of husband and wife closer? think carefully before you answer. you are a parent you'll love to choose the former. but the Bible loudly says, the latter is actually the more intimate relationship.

no form of emotional blackmail towards me can change the reality of God's Word on this matter. but i also have no solution as to properly communicate this to u. i say this and u say i am unfilial and dishonouring. but yet if i don't hold on to this, i just lied about God's Word.

anw may the God of peace reign. the gospel of peace also. we aren't changed by any form of emotionalism, rationalism, or even emotional blackmail. we can only be changed by God's renewing power.

you may want to label me all you want to. kick me out of the house, of the country. but the truth is i will still use God's strength to love you. i honestly have only junk within my soul; but thanks to God who quickens my dead old man, i am a new life in Christ. may the new man be awake than sleeping thanks to the old man. and may God's Spirit do this quickening work.