Brotherhood

2012-01-26T22:58:00.001+08:00

if i know upon a strike on the next game, i book a place in the finals, fufufuf....

i probably will shout sth. wad comes out? i not sure. in wad language? i duno. probably not vulgar.

2012-01-26T20:12:00.002+08:00

by a simplistic psychological analysis, i reckon i'm really a inferior friend. (the below analysis may be a little sexist, but anw, for the sake of discussion, i shall air it anyway)

here i shall try to, as coherently as possible, describe my means of judgement:

women generally tend to make more "surface" friends than men. take for example a social function, they will engage in much more small talk as compared to men. moreover, they will refrain from openly badmouthing each other when they are in the presence of each other and more people. say, female A and B. A is more socially established than B. when A and B meet, they probably will not say things like "u're ugly/fat/idioitc". conversations more like A tell B "you're cool, that's nice, interesting career!!" even though B is doing a job as a rubbish collector. honestly. this is wad i observed.

i dunno the above-mentioned phenomenon's exact term. but women are less willing to jeopardise their relationship wif each other in a direct manner. they will only backstab each other. for example, using the above example where B has a job as rubbish collector. in front of B, A will never say something back. but when A meets another group of friends who may or may not know about B, A has a high chance of saying B is a cui and is a failure to society etc.

so to say, women will try to appear zai and friendly, while actually they may want to gain that social edge above others. in my opinion.

men are less likely to withhold these comments. assume a guy called D ends up as a rubbish collector due to failure in sch and C is a male random office worker, who does not have a gd impression of D. when C meets D in a social setting, C most likely will trash talk D like sae hey bro how's rubbish 2day? and maybe say something even more impolite.

that's a little drifting from the point. but anyway, i reckon i may be an inferior friend to women. why? hav many occasions, they start to ignore me. haha. if i were socially desirable, i dun tink they will ignore me. if they dare to ignore me, meaning i am less socially established, and from wad i noe they may juz easily talk a lot of bad about me without my knowledge. u c, females don't usually directly jeopardise relationship with others. since now, women directly jeopardise the relationship between me and her, it means something. and why will a girl resort to direct methods to ignore me, which is as good as telling me "u're a piece of crap"? why will a girl dare to do it? by my analysis, probably cos i'm not socially established, nt desirable to the crowd of ppl that they are looking to impress.

i'm not too surprised. i seem to b associated with socially undesirable personnel more often than not. but, haha, seriously la. if wan play socially desirable and establishment, up to them. all i can sae, my conscience is clear. clear. wan fight? i bring u to police after u whack me. another thing. where's ur confidence? going around wif me, really 见不得人？ up to them to say again. hm.

juz fyi, i dun believe everyone needs to become socially desirable before he/she will get married in a loving relationship. HAHA. up to all ur choices. it's juz that the wedding less ppl attend nia. is that wad women need? attention, great impression, ppl to see u as fren? really? i'm not totally confident. i believe u can live wif less than 10 friends. the rest can be acquaintances for all i care. close friends and a tightly-knit family is probably more important than 1000 useless not-close friends.

2012-01-19T20:48:00.001+08:00

quick overview of my downfalls. i don't think it's academics. i don't think it's sports. i don't think it's music. i don't think it's attitude. i don't think there's any great great personality flaw. but, i reckon it's words.

an overview of my downfalls, u can guess wad i'm talking about:

- we are frens
- don't think we can be more than frens
- i won't settle for a friend
- i think it shldn't go on
- u're just not the one
- stop pestering me
- just leave me alone

my best qn. really? really? really?

language. language is but a subset of communication. what i say, may not be what i mean. i say u're a friend, i may mean u're actually a piece of shit. or i can sae u're really shitty, but i'm actually caring about u and giving u advice. when i say it's cold, it may not be the ambient temperature. i may be talking about a person's heart.

rite or not? if words coming out from my mouth is A, i may mean B, and subconsciously my intention is C.

mayb i muz stick religiously to my diode theory. but i do remember that, when the voltage is too high, the current rises disproportionately. and this can cause short circuits. and when the fuse breaks, the only way to do it is to replace with a new fuse. i reckon i have broken the fuse too many times, albeit not due to voltage. it's due to me forcing current by an alternate circuit. haha.

2012-01-18T01:27:00.002+08:00

from my knowledge, it is not as often that a girl will initiate a breakup with a guy after >2years of relationship. assume a relationship where they fondle around for long enuff (may or may not include sex), and the guy is also very loving and devoted.

i hypothesise that, for her to initiate break up, den she must hav turned slutty. nid to hav 2 men instead of 1. or go for hotter man. (heck cases of the guy being unfaithful and fking other ladies.) from a psychological point of view, there is strong partnership bonds formed in the brain, and certain chemical triggers which are accustomised to touch and sense and feel with the guy. if she leaves this guy for another guyno.2, she may not be able to fully recreate the sensations and euphoria.

another hypothesis is that, men may be marginally better off in such a breakup, cos i reckon easier to hav the euphoria of love. and for men, it's easier to heck the differences. for women, harder. that's wad i tink. but i hav not enuff psychological reasoning as well as knowledge to back this statement. so if u're feelin kind, u can type sth.

2012-01-14T23:01:00.001+08:00

as a commissioned officer of the saf.

but it kips me wondering. i very big meh? i'm still a dog of my boss. haha.

but not every offcier see it this way. some think they are big. like so? big is big. but remember, u know little. so i really despise those ppl (last time, or those holding on to old school thought without new age rationality) who are in training institutes or units who giv others a poor quality experience and time.

i shall try not to be such a person. everyone must maximise the use of their time both in work and in reflection and in play.

我懂了她/李圣杰

2011-12-25T18:48:00.000+08:00

mayb. same singer, permutating the possible situations
我懂了她，不要我为她牵挂，她说天空很大要自由飞翔

手放开-李圣杰

2011-12-25T18:45:00.000+08:00

dat's right. it's impt to know certain methods of behaviour.

2011-12-16T01:19:00.001+08:00

honestly.i can try to prove every single thing in the world. (keyword: try.) definitely. but the problem is, after showing, proving and demonstrating with examples, will u believe, accept and know what i proved?i am quite skeptical. haha. hence, i tink i shall only do a partial prove.partial prove. how partial is partial? problem is, hard to quantify stuff here. hahahah... find out more in time to come. in any case, be prepared.

2011-12-05T09:08:00.002+08:00

男人流泪比流血加倍心疼。

but why? i don't know. when i use naix, it's a good reminder. when i open wounds, i will lifesteal even more. when someone use naix against me, same thing. he will lifesteal me oso.

我做得不够吗？possibly. mayb u hate cold reading. haha. of course, who wants to be under control? but once again, think about it, freedom isn't free when there isn't some form of limitations.

i'm worried. i'm insecure. whenever certain events happen, my long-term memory is activated. yes, i think that's the dangerous part. the long-term memory. some things will lead to a reminiscence.

anw, i'm not so sure of my personal ability oso. to certain situations, definitely i can retain my rationality. but when the environment changes, the time changes, some other forces come into play. do u nid to mind? haha. like really la. if yall gave a shit, pretend nth is there. once u reckon there is something, it's like ghost. u'll always think there is a ghost.

it's robbery, i'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

2011-11-28T14:04:00.003+08:00

fk a*star. from wad i check online, i still wondering whether i shld b a a*star scholar. are they cheating me of my cash? fkin phd (probably mediocre) wld earn abotu 4.5k per mth (as of 2010). hmmm. is that good money. i will be 31yr old by then when i draw that pay. honestly, fuck it.

maybe i shld go admin officer. admin officer or AO. but u noe wad? fuck it. u see, i probably can't get PSC cos i do not have a "genuine, caring, good and nice heart". yea sure. give that to someone who is able to chalk up 500h of CIP in 2 years in JC, but he did that by inflatin his fkin CIP records. (YES, HIM, if u do noe which HIM i referring to. maybe he's god. that's why capital letters).

definitely, i angsty again. but not for no reason. gahmen, u tink u tie ppl down for passion, then underpay them? HAHA. this one totally no go. u shld reward ppl for passion and fuck those who are looking for money only. like seriously, in the ass. like those bankers. mayb nid someone to eat back their money. like build casino at their doorstep and suck their money away (so the casino is a cai shen ye).

hai. money or passion? that begs this question. what is passion? passion if i go to the pawnshop, pawnshop uncle got giv u money? passion can eat? i dun think so.

2011-11-22T13:01:00.002+08:00

Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be told that sorrows know how to swim. Men are from earth, women are from earth. Deal with it.

I envy dogs because.. they always try to put their head between some girls legs, and they pet him!

hai. wad more can one do on a stony afternoon other than training one's vision in filtering out the white light from the computer screen and focusing on the important stuff that are black and other colours other than white? hahaha... and also trying to train one's typing speed? some are studying videos, some are studying texts, some are studying how to use the functions of their handphone more efficiently, some are studying the taste of the cigarette, some studying their eyelids...

yup. that seems to be an intellectual way to describe what people do on such an afternoon. at least it's not as bad as getting deployed under the hot sun for training. at least i'm here filtering out white light from the screen and hoping my eyes don't get tired from it in an air-conditioned place. interestingly, i'm wondering hu comes to read this site.

2011-11-16T08:29:00.002+08:00

lots of reflections.

but juz wondering, is there and obligation for a calculative and/or cynical people to turn genuine again, pure and uncalculative and not seeking personal gains?

honestly, i reckon, no obligations. for one, if this guy is able to rationalise and calculate gains for himself, he juz has to extend these calculations to others, then he can make the world a socially desirable equilibrium place. (pardon all poor english please). isn't it? he just nid to stop thinking only for himself, but look at other POV, think about it, and find a win-win situation. win-win situation does not hav to be created only by becoming a nice guy for the sake of being nice, it can be created by calculative freaks too. in fact, the nice guy may end up in lose-lose situations more often than not.

enuff of the crap tho. haha. i wonder wad's my problem wif expressing ideas coherently. wonder when i nid to take my SAT oso. no SAT, no ang moh. got SAT, not necessary muz go ang moh. wadeva la. see wad comes my way. if take on jan, means now gotta pia. and man is always lazy.

2011-10-09T08:03:00.003+08:00

o. so the previous post was no. 800. that spans over about 5 years. not bad la.

was juz wondering. a few things that we utter. "sir! we take up the challenge. to lead, we dare. to excel, we will. to overcome we must!"... a voice will echo "good! my very best to each and every one of u"

for some reason or wad, this thing has been in my head. yes, i agree, i take up the challenge. to lead, i dare. ok fine. (cos it doesn't mean i will really be a good leader but i juz dare to lead ppl and move ppl) to excel we will. when i sae this, i abit hong gan. excel. now i in wad vocation? i honestly sae, i am not SME in any of the things in this vocation. siala. and then, do i look like an outstanding leader? my goodness. how to excel we will. lastly, to overcome, we must. this one ok. np. i love mindfuck one. overcome challenges is good. but there's a bit of a catch. to overcome my problem wif being a excellent leader? this one abit difficult.

2011-10-01T18:51:00.002+08:00

why is ur second son such a failure?

really, did u teach him the right thing? i guess about there, that's about wad u cld hav done.

but the problem is... he really got learn the rite things bo??

really leh, he's damn fked up. he claim, he attempting to improve. but only stuck at attempting to improve.

so really, pck sae, use ur brain. like seriously. use ur brain. on top of that, use my ears, mouth, eyes, hands, legs properly. if not, haha. i really wonder wad the shit is in store for me. now i see why. i hav a problem. like seriously, i hav a problem. which is that, i hav a problem and i'm probably not doing anyting effective about it.

2011-09-18T11:47:00.002+08:00

jiak ba bo sai pang. hence i am kaypohing around.

more i see, more i disappointed. i wonder, y i nid to expect so much from myself. if i got choice, i wan go play sports. play until i sick. totally. but too bad, my niche not in sports, it's in things i find sick of doing, but for a reason i excel. things i not sick of doing, i never excel. good joke.

suck my thumb. maybe not. suck thumb, sit down, no change done. how about, be the change? woots.

2011-08-20T22:10:00.003+08:00

juz a quick post before i use my own cognitive dissonance again.

let's face it ppl. i am selfish and self-centred. ahh. now i see the root of the problem. like totally. haha, i love the world to revolve around me. i love it ttm. hence, i shld start seeing things a little differently every day, from 2day.

before i become the gravity.

let's stop being too skeptical about certain ppl. hey wait. i really wonder, whether i can get myself, convince myself that these ppl aren't actually plp-ing. hmm. let's see. time will tell, must tell.

in any case, time to behave myself.

2011-08-08T00:11:00.002+08:00

i recognise that the content of this blog has been written with cursory thought. most people must be thinking that the bloody author of this blog is some chap who only can express his ideas incoherently.

maybe today is the day i turn it around.

i believe i need to start to express myself (or my thoughts) in a clearer and more concise manner, instead of rattling some incoherent nonsense which usually makes no sense to others. in fact, why i enjoy being incoherent - maybe i have to admit it is a form of arrogance. i expect people to understand what i'm saying although words and phrases coming out from my mouth (or brain) are quite fubar. disorganised, ungrammatical, uncouth, crude.

and this incoherence translates into certain problems. just look at my gp. i have to use a structured way of writing to express my thoughts, so that i can get a decent composition grade. wow. hai. i am unable to churn out a decent personal statement by just sitting down and writing, because i have no idea how to express my thoughts fluently and with clarity.

it is possible that by blogging coherently and giving 2 flying fks about my phrasing of thoughts, i can improve my language. why not give it a try...

2011-08-05T00:12:00.001+08:00

it's 4am and i'm waking up to ur perfume...

it's abt 12am and i'm still awake for i duno what (not quoting lyrics here).

at 1st i wanted to type quite a lot of stuff, but my lazy ass disease kicks in and i decided not to. in any case, i tink ppl shld read the freakonomics book. quite interesting. but last few parts a little lame la, it became quite unscientifically sound.

but this time... good for tinking. and as i think in the middle of the nite, i reverse back to many months ago, and these times, i was thinking about something, someone, some place etc. really. and i kip wondering whether i can stop myself from my dreams. rationally, i hav concluded the best possible solution is taking place, is manifesting. but my greedy self says, hey, there's an incentive for MYSELF (note it's only myself) for getting what i want.

but problem is, when i tink on another POV, things get messy. why i sae currently = best possible solution: if i get what i want, den, other ppl is and are getting what they don't want. tangibly, i'm not sacrificing. intangibly, i see myself as sacrificing. in lousier terms, i am giving up. haha...

but on another rational thought, it's better to stay as now. why? simply because it is prohibitively difficult to go get what i want. haha... maybe it's better to switch to substitutes. but quite obviously i won't choose an inferior substitute. plz. and it's hard to find a near perfect substitute..... so i duno. HAHA

but but but... i noticed my last few para began wif but.

2011-07-24T00:46:00.002+08:00

wad goes around comes around. isit true? hahaha... dun care la huh.

plz la, everyting go circle circle, even i oso blur blur. duno lei. very weird lei. den one day make up my mind, another day sibei can't make up my mind liao. i oso duno wad to do...

so somebody shld enlighten me? i now is half know, half duno, the other half bo ga lan, the other half wan slack, another half wan general direction go, another half sae do properly if u wan do.

in any case, going off to brunei soon. so, maybe got time to think about things la haha.

2011-07-09T05:02:00.003+08:00

messy messy. the world is rather messy.

u're dumped in the ocean. wad shld u do? start swimming. u're dumped in the jungle. wad shld u do? bash. u're dump in the city. wad shld u do? go clubbing. or so, i have seen. really, as much as i do want to disagree wif such notions and not conform, it's not easy to not conform.

choice 1. look normal. choice 2. stand out like a dick. choice 1, is safe. choice 2, pray hard. it's make or break. stand out, and become popular, hola wonderful ur life. stand out, and look wrong, hola ur life is gonna be totally wrong man.

who to believe? haha. rmb from earliest times, i always claim there's sth wrong wif plp. well, i dun tink i shld be doing so, esp wif my frens. all i can sae to ppl who wants to plp frens is: 神经病. hey, hi man. seriously, hi.

in any case, as for myself, i have experienced that if u were to seem friendly life's good on the outside. ppl see u as nice man quickly. the keyword here is quickly. do u demand that swiftness? if yes, den go ahead. it works, really. do i demand becoming frens wif ppl quickly? usually no. why so? haha, no pt explaining. cos ppl rather see me as quiet, introverted, madman. they rather juz see that and stop there. so as they talk to me more they are so surprised that their pre-conceived notions are so damn wrong. definitely, 1st impressions last, hence i'm still madman. but they see more dimensions than a quiet idiot.

let's hav another time to post haha... now no time.

2011-06-24T09:42:00.002+08:00

wad a joke.

they really do believe in fk ur own friends, family, colleagues and etc. haha. really, i only hav 3 words. wad a joke.

it's k, i believe in appeasement. we are never ok except by their blood. HAHA. hence, my mistakes will never be forgiven except by the blood of these people. HAHA

2011-06-18T15:12:00.002+08:00

haha.

u sure u are the right person to motivate me? i dunno you know. seriously, comm skote, my downfall. comm skote ar comm skote, y u so stupid????? failing me a few times already leh. as prophesied, u tink u good, actually mayb u never be able to play conscience game wif me. sure, life game u win, conscience game?

haha, sorry man, my conscience game is 100% clear. that's where my ego stems from. i believe i hav never done wrong a person. unfortunately in my opinion, u hav done me many wrong, hence i sae u can never play conscience game wif me. sorry if that will inflame u, but really, i no nid u to sorry me bcos sorry no cure. idiot. now wad i wan, stop saying sorry, juz carry on being a dog like me, everyting is fine. the more u wan tell me i can do it, i wun. HAHA.

den for ease of blame pushing i'll juz sae i phail, because of u! so easy eh! dat's why i dare assert i fail in the game of life....

2011-06-05T09:40:00.001+08:00

bang bang ur lao bu...

wad a hectic month. now, for another hectic month. if not, it's supposed to b even more hectic. a few exercises, a few shooting, alot of running about. wad more can i ask for? this is training. i wan training, they giv me training. imba.

2011-05-15T23:55:00.003+08:00

so apparently i duno what i was in for totally. market failure. imperfect info, assymetric info. then there's some sign of underproduction of public goods. heh. poor. some externalities caused in the demand and supply of training too.

never knew this market was quite dirty. i always thought it is clean, it is a good market for training up. apparently, maybe not so. maybe it's already a job. bloody hell. i'm now sucked into a market, not a training area. haha... it's either i change my mindset, or get phased out. really, i dun mind the latter, and i'm lazy to do the former. but i as of now, it seems like it is not worth to go for the latter. hence, what should i do? i don't know.

2011-04-30T19:45:00.002+08:00

some things are temporal, some things stay permanent.

and it has to be that this wing is only my holding wing. HAHA. good luck for my next 3 months. let's hope everything's gonna be k... juz when i got used to my view of the safti tower from my window... haiz. but nvm. be a man. let's go. i muz go where the brave men die. (scarly injured sia heh)

2011-04-16T01:55:00.002+08:00

same wish, different time nia. suck thumb. but let's put it this way, very hard very hard. haha. as i like to sae, very hard very hard. everything very hard, very difficult, not easy. yea especially this thing, this idea, this notion, this phenomenon, this occurence, this poisson occurence. really, very hard very hard. hav, great! dun hav, den it's ok, not like as if poisson occurences supposed to happen in a finite space and time anyways....

2011-04-14T23:09:00.002+08:00

well. i love book out time. a few lessons learnt: 1. learn to suck thumb 2. learn to suck it in 3. learn to drink water 4. learn to treasure free time and slack time and book outs 5. to work independently and cooperatively at the same time wadeva. seen many many tings. so u wan to kaypoh, i let u kaypoh. type liddat enuff liao la. nxt training phase duno wad will happen. but, good training anyways. good training.

2011-04-02T22:36:00.002+08:00

hehe. i was juz thinking. i dun tink i will bow down to others for real, unless for ceremonial sake. BUT, i oso no nid ppl to bow down to me. HAHA. hence, if u still tink le si hong di, hmmmm. duno lei. siao liao already. got problem already.... siannnn. hahahahaha

2011-04-02T06:59:00.002+08:00

haha, until now.... some ppl still wanna be a king and haven't learnt to be a dog. pls la... u tink i jiak ba bo sai pang wan niao u nia? wa kua tio nia... and sae sae la. so, u wan guailan over it? hmmmm. i oso know how wad. haha. 真是奇怪也。如果真的有问题，你就举出来说说吗，何必要找个死路？ so once again it's a consideration. say person a has a problem with b. should person a: settle the problem himself through diplomacy, settle it through force, or bring it to higher authority? some ppl obviously think settling it through diplomacy is safe. but at the same time, some feel that this is a pussy and sissy thing to do. HAHA. please, here is a game, play by the rules, u'll win. technically, if u dun bend the rules, you are safe. HAHA.

2011-03-21T12:26:00.001+08:00

wad a poor time to get diarrhoea.

in the middle of tests, weekend died due to it, now monday alr still gotta be at home. i wonder whether i shld extend one more day. seriously. my limbs are still weak. if i gotta be walking back with my stuff, i duno whether my body can take it. but there are a few key events... hai. i cannot afford not to get back toooo...

may god bless me, may everything go well according to his will.

2011-03-02T10:33:00.003+08:00

not bad not bad. so far see many type of thinking.

but i muz sae, i can't empathise wif a group of ppl, but i should be sympathising. they quite funny. it's in their blood to show 2 face to ppl. super sad. like this guy, seem so happy in front of me, secretly, super buay song. when at breaking point, den come threaten me physically. come, do so, i not worried, even if i die, hehe, everyting is controlled.

another abstract thing. self-motivation. everyone's level of it is different. a crude example: in schools, some ppl do finish their homework, some juz copy, some juz dun do at all. simply put, the more motivated will go finish. but, consequence: others juz claim they are muggers. fair enough, but, why dun those who are slacking juz kip quiet and suck thumb while the muggers get recognised/rewarded for themselves being motivated?

HAHA. mayb, tjj. they're juz... jealous. HAHA. this applies many place, the result can be a backstab as well. but, do i look like i care? if i know being motivated is the way to go or at least presumably the right thing now, den, nike la. siala. now ppl see this, later kpkb. like i care. i stand up for the truth, even somewhere below stand up together one.

but overall, everything seems fine now. can communicate, although i seem to stick out. at least, in my opinion nia. haha. not sure why. heck care. being myself more impt.

2011-02-23T10:33:00.002+08:00

we speak about freedom.

but regimentation is everywhere. think about it, u tink governments are not controlled by somebody? think again... haha. as much as we want to be free and can do anyting, we actually cannot. in nearly all situations.

2011-02-19T09:45:00.000+08:00

everyting's fine so far in ns, nth much interesting tho to talk about.

if i were to comment on behaviour, it'll probably be a long list. my reflections, another long list. my speculation about certain ppl, another long list. generally negative comments, but there are certain outstanding positive comments too.

let me carry on having a positive attitude towards ns. this is because, of my realities. i went in being negative, found that i have to b positive due to the environment. hence, now, i shall try to be positive, which i generally am already. haha.

2011-02-04T13:29:00.003+08:00

2day, i employ a loser method of writing, not a reasoning one.

they who speak about religious harmony calls christians intolerant bastards for proselytizing/evangelising/even mere telling others about christianity, saying that u're not supposed to force ur view upon others.

how about seeing it from a confucian point of view? wad is a christian's job? one part of it, is to spread christianity. so, do u wan to b intolerant and call this practice stupid? go ahead. HAHA. go ahead. i can't stop u.

i may hold the view that a person is stupid, but i juz dun sae it. and of course, i will hope to change such a mindset. why change the perception? because it will breed nothing but some useless unhappiness.

2011-02-03T15:27:00.002+08:00

随微风轻轻吹送着落霞
我已习惯在每个傍晚想她
让晚归的星悄悄去看她
带给她我心中无数牵挂

poor choice poor choice. once again. u c, it's not something dat once we sae, we are able to do some tings. let's sae u fall into a waterfall. u sae to urself, i wan to swim out of it. well sure, it may be possible, but i muz sae it's prohibitively difficult, and u may juz resign to ur fate.

the strong, do not resign to their fate and they at last get out of the waterfall's whirlpool. the noob, mayb they either resign to fate, else they not zai enuff to get out. and normally, we dun see many zai ppl around. there are also some who can get out of the waterfall, but i tell u they aren't strong. they're juz mad. so maybe since i'm not so strong, i can choose the mad path. but the mad path isn't for usual humans. it's for half psychos.

hence, when we drop into a waterfall, do wad? HAHA. but this is rather pessimistic viewpoint la, dun take it too seriously HAHA

2011-02-02T21:37:00.000+08:00

hav a happy chinese new year.

i noe it's cny eve, but nvm la, in advance.

2011-01-30T21:42:00.002+08:00

some things pervade me quite badly.

wad a fat disappointment. hai. but nvm. it seems, mayb some tings we nid to resign to fate. some tings not within our control and do not go according to what we desire. so, wad to do? suck thumb? probably.

disappointing. disappointing to tink about some ppl, some events, some actions and decisions and consequences. some ppl sae, shldn't tink, no point. although i like to sae i see present and future, i'm quite stuck in the past. some ppl want to be like this. HAHA. well i rather not. that doesn't mean i shld get caught up with the world and its nonsense which comes along, but i shld get on and stop harping on some small fault once upon a time.

once upon a time. yea. once upon a time. last time. and 想当年，想当天.. once again, no point. wad's done is done, wad's supposed to happen is already here. wad to do?

2011-01-25T23:02:00.002+08:00

let me adopt a holier-than-thou attitude for one day.

from wiki: vulgarity is the quality of being common, coarse or unrefined. can refer to social behaviour as well as art forms as well as use of language.
profanity: words or gestures or social expressions that are constructed or interpreted as insulting, rude, showing disrespect and desecrating.

we do see many ppl nowadays being vulgar and speaking profanities with every sentence. sure, i dun really mind them doing so, especially in social situations. but, to a person whom u just met? i dun tink that's a very nice sign eh haha. and, interestingly, fine if u enjoy speaking in profanities. but there are these ppl who want to show and display they are vulgar. i find these ppl funny. really, i laugh at them. u know much profanities, does it make u any more sociable? i tell u, i dun tink so.

and i know of some ppl speaking profanities and vulgarities in a tongue i know of. AND, they use it without knowing the literal meaning, which may turn very very amusing. a common example: guys who sae, tio gan. tio gan, i mean still make sense la, but really, i guess it's quite painful... a more imba example wld b a girl, i heard her sae, dulan. really, do u hav one? HAHA! she dulan, really, i bow down.

that was real amazing and amusing man...

2011-01-21T21:45:00.003+08:00

really. as i continue reading, i continue to find where i hav failed. similarly, i continue to find where others hav failed.

as usual, i am very judgemental. is that wrong? some say yes, some say, if u're that way, maybe, juz be that way lo. wad hav i to say to myself? nth much. wad is real respect? wad is real altruism/kindness? what is real tolerance? what is real acceptance?

really, as a person, i never understood these concepts. i only know, shut my mouth, they liddat den let them liddat, they do this den let them etc. i only know, dun get myself into trouble, rmb to do good tings to others cos it's right and it's nice to do so, dun b selfish else ppl call u selfish nut, etc. lousy man i may be. but, how to "cure" this disease of mine?

i dun see anyting wrong in being so cynical in doing things. e.g. helping ppl not only for goodness' sake but also for my own impression, por lan pa here and there, be a dog here and there, for the sake of not only my benefits but also society's. i help society, i help myself. i muz confess, i never ever believed in wad altruism. i hav no idea why i dun hav that capacity.

but once again, is that wrong? some say, u're juz an idiot, a bastard, get a life, get a heart. i duno. i noe myself, because of such tinking, i'm driven once i hav a goal. let's juz hope, i will continue my kindness although many a time it is not about pure kindness only, let's hope i will continue to benefit society even if i'm seeking my own good, own personal selfish motives.

brings me to the self-esteem sort of questions. if i'm kind not because i'm really kind but because i know it's a good thing to do for myself, am i really kind?

maybe, i shld find my own answers myself.

2011-01-17T15:08:00.002+08:00

is obedience important?

maybe. i guess obedience with some sort of a discernment is good. but too bad, some ppl really cannot appreciate obedience, believing that their wisdom is sufficient.

so they go their own way. but remember, though many who are successful are mavericks, only few mavericks succeed. the rest, duno.

2011-01-16T23:33:00.001+08:00

let me b cynical for a while, or as i usually like to b HAHA..

wad other ppl sae, when transcripted into words, sometimes, quite nice. HAHA. but really, wad it really means? i duno yer noe.

2011-01-16T22:11:00.002+08:00

really, i dun mind persecuted for religion. but i really hav a problem wif poor religion.

let's face it, if u're a christian and u can't face it that ur god is perfect in anger and hate as he is perfect in love, dun be one. if u can't accept this doctrine, sorry. my god is perfect in hate as he is in love. if he wasn't, he won't be able to show his love perfectly. and that is where many ppl fail to grasp, they only hear, oh, if god is so loving, why he go kill people? why he allow sin? (of course there are standard answers i can give, but no point, u can go and find out for urself. because, i can support christianity, someone else will tear the argument down.)
similarly, i will never get to understand why my god does things this way. but i do know, he is good.

and i attended a good wedding, tho marred by some nonsense the pastor has done. i shall not point it out here, but, really, i feel ashamed to be a christian there. because that guy, i really wonder whether he knew what he was doing.

--------------

but good try, as i like to sae, i'm getting myself into much confusion. sure, i invest not in this world, and i know i am here but i am not of here. sure, i do hav hope for the future. but, for now, there are tings at hand to do. like getting myself back again. haha.

seems like, recently i've lost myself in something that i dun understand. too bad.

2011-01-14T17:52:00.002+08:00

poor day. poor decisions, i got poor sportsmanship, poor predictions, poor money spending, poor everyting.

HAHA. or maybe, i shld see it more optimistically. i hav noticed that they are poor, instead of convincing myself they are good choices, when they are not.

money, nt easy to earn. but bad to become a slave of money. isn't it? u master money, not let wealth master u. but then, with little amount of money, u will tend to become a slave of money. u nid money to sustain urself. hai. so, i will get to appreciate how ppl go to high income bracket from low ones... that is quite talented i muz concede.

2011-01-10T00:40:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling sick.

really. they call me stupid. that's fine. others call me smart. fine. some call me idiotic. fine. some call me cynical and calculative. fine.

is my heart hardened? maybe. is your heart hardened? i guess, a considerable number of ppl reading this have their hearts hardened. why are they? i will never know. but really, i won't mind not seeing them. in any case, i am not supposed to see them. for some reason or another they appear. so i see them.

i can choose a few options to people who appear. watch/observe/oogle at them. else interact with them. really, maybe i shld juz choose oogling at them. wastes no extra mental effort.

why do not interact? picture a interview. as the interviewee, usually u're asked qns u find hard to answer. really, when ppl ask me such questions, i rather oogle at them than answering. they probably know the answer themselves already, they prepared a standpoint. might as well oogle at them. moreover, sometimes, they pre-empt what u're gonna sae. so, no point what.

moreover, i'm confident of living with only my family and not getting extremely bored for a few days. doesn't matter to me if i dun interact with more than my family members. HAHA

2011-01-09T23:42:00.002+08:00

i'm brought up to think that i am lousy at sports.

maybe i really am. u c, i try to defy it for the past duno how many years. but, fail. hence, now, quite lousy la.

i'm brought up to think that i'm good at studies and piano.

duno how good i am. i try not to make it happen for the past duno how many years. but, fail. hence, now, quite good lo.

so maybe i'm supposed to focus on my area of comparative advantage. but, really, focus on them? music abit too late ba. but studies? i duno. yer noe, i've tried some interviews now and then. but i fail all of these interviews. why? mainly, can't plp. fail at it. + portfolio not zai enuff to they see, they know tok gong person that type. maybe i shld mug interview questions.

in any case, let's see what's ahead. i can choose to juz sleep for the next few days and rot. that sounds like a good idea. in any case, i'm not able to market any of my services, if they are even up to standard, in public to earn a steady money over the next few days. hence, if i hibernate, i might even be saving all those money which can be put to greater entertainment/use/charity at a later date.

2011-01-07T21:41:00.002+08:00

hence, i can claim, they really don't understand.

feeling rather perturbed, confused etc. maybe i shldn't be hehe. really, i shldn't be. juz that once again i'm not able to live like wad i want to and wad my selfish self wants to. why? i do not want to be seen as selfish.

which, on the surface, there's nothing wrong. shld i be selfish? no i shldn't. hence, though i am rather selfish, i shld try not to be isn't it? hence, it is not only beneficial to myself to not be selfish, it's beneficial socially. but ppl sae, u shld be urself. then, since i am selfish, am i supposed to "be myself"? HAHA

then again, wad do ppl judge me by? personally i duno. they may see me as screwed, they may see me as fine. i dun mind both. because i agree i am both. but disappointing, everywhere i go, i am not alone. so sad. in any case, for now, let me juz live like there's nth much to do, although there are things to do. heh. switch off for maybe the next 48h in preparation for a lousy gamble.

maybe i shldn't be affording myself such stuff so often...

2011-01-04T20:05:00.000+08:00

hence, i am wasting some money for now.

but great training, in terms of concentration.

2011-01-01T21:16:00.001+08:00

happy new year.

and may those who seek the happiness find it... haha

2010-12-29T14:03:00.002+08:00

really, what is the line between reasoning and excuse?

i think the onus is on the perceiver. then, should we bother what this perceiver thinks, before we reason?

what is considered work, and what is considered slack? is sleeping slacking? or isit working, since i can call it actively and with an intent to rest, so that i can work better?
similarly, if i do something for no economic benefit to myself, am i working, or resting?

so once again, why i need to get caught up with perceivers of my way? let them see what they want to see. should i be affected? maybe i shld. but as a general measure, take everyting wif a pinch of salt. it is never possible to satisfice these ppl's opinions. carry on perceiving, i dun tink it brings any benefits, to themselves or to myself.

2010-12-28T22:56:00.003+08:00

really, i'm a bad son.

wasted so much time, tinking about myself. i'm in the centre of the world.

but unfortunately not. no one is the centre of the world. i know it, but i fail to realise, recognise, reconcile and accept it. consciously or subconciously, i will think of myself as greater, and will marginalise and play down the concerns of others. much of what i've done, is generally in consideration of my own edificaiton. stupid.

change i must. change i shld. will i? time will tell. 2day is a good day, and a good nite.

2010-12-27T19:56:00.003+08:00

am i allowed to believe myself? should i believe myself?

all along hav been failing in things, esp those pertaining to human. at best, things are poorly done. so i wonder, will u believe me? heh, not an easy qn. they hav observed me, and they may or may not know rather well what i am going through. and since the observers are more clear in some sense, they may even know what i may do next time better than myself.

i would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain. maybe. if it saves people, if it saves u, why not? but if the bullet go thru liao den hit the person i wan to block den how? HAHA. also, if i catch a grenade 4 u, i can't guarantee the shrapnel only i tio. maybe u tio some. but hu care, as long as u may noe, it doesn't matter i guess?

so once again, i'm sitting here, expressing some incoherence. really, i rather not be this way. it's like a bad dirrhoea, although u may choose to gather enough shit 1st, u still gotta shit some out, although u noe u're going in for at least a 5th time. hence here u can sae i'm shitting some out of me for a while, later i will shit out more, as long as dirrhoeaa doesn't heal....

2010-12-26T12:13:00.003+08:00

ooo... heaven is a place on earth. they say in heaven, love comes first, we'll make heaven a place on earth earth earth earth...

and how about some christmas (snow) in s'pore ytd nite? i like it, i tink clementi had sort of ankle deep water at certain points. so, let it snow let it snow let it snow.

and anw, i tink the mp3 ripping sites are becoming better and better.
but sites for copying the lyrics getting worse. some can't highlight text. but hu cares, there are good substitutes as u juz hav to go back to google, and get another site. how convenient. very good, i like it this way.

and looking again at lyrics, looks like some are great. i'd catch a grenade for u. seriously, i won't catch it. i would probably whack it away... u wldn't want some shrapnels.

2010-12-24T19:27:00.003+08:00

i don't wanna comment on controversial issues - quote unknown. (or known unto certain ppl actually heh)

I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it - voltaire.

soon, religion will die out. but how soon? voltaire is desperately anti-christian frm my cursory understanding. many philosophers during his time and after may have agreed. but as of now, religion is around. those who are in religions will cherish it. those who are not will cherish their state too.

2010-12-23T20:28:00.002+08:00

weird.

i tink it is rather unhealthy, i tend to blame not others but myself for many lousy results and situations and failures. sure, maybe there are times where i really screw up. fine, then maybe it's correct to blame myself. but then sometimes, i prefer to blame it on me instead of the real cause for certain problems and failures.

well another random idea. let's take mercury for a case study. mercury, a heavy metal, when entered into one's body, stays there very long. same for other poisonous heavy metal ions and particles. sure, the body may try to remove it slowly. very slowly in fact. hence, it shld b rather appropriate to say that these heavy metal ions will stay there quite permanently, and one is not able to remove all of it UNLESS for some reason they cluster somewhere, and u juz chop off that part of ur body.

assuming ur body only has mercury traces now, due to coming into contact with it through job or an accident or pollution. what if, someone asks u to remove all of these mercury ions and replace them with manganese? is that possible? (on the assumption that this person will only be appeased if all mercury ions are removed)

or isit more likely that a person does not mind the mercury ions in ur body, and shuffs u with manganese? i don't know.

this happens often enuff tho. surely, i am able to change my loyalties once i am convinced it is a great idea, and that it will work out great. unfortunately, ppl will not believe that we are able to change our loyalties quickly, claiming that u are just another person who can't make up ur mind. how about i offer an alternative viewpoint. sure, u may say such a person who switches loyalties quickly cannot make up their minds. but how about, it is the doubt that u invoke in him that make him unable to make up his mind? haha, hence, if u are some sort of an employer, don't doubt an employee who has made up his mind quickly too early. if u wan to play safe and use condom, ensure that the contract will have clauses and compensations to u if that guy is really some idiot who cannot make up his mind and stay loyal.

2010-12-22T09:38:00.002+08:00

well, the aeroplane back was rather shaky.

literally. for one, it looked like badly maintained, probably in service for around 10 years? it is air china. well, duno whether national. but very obviously, it doesn't give me any much confidence. so for the whole 6h or so on board, ..., horrendous. got on, went out of the parking place, pilots claim plane fail some test. great. i was like thanks, i planned this whole day alr, den delay. heng nth much delay 1h. but it was super insecure.

good job, i shall blacklist such things. haha.

now, muz get on wif secular life. got some crap to finish, after dat is training

2010-12-13T21:59:00.003+08:00

i'm nothing special.

juz another guy, doesn't look to be an idiot, doesn't want to be a bad person, doesn't want to be an asshole. wants to be nice to others, wants others to have a good life, wants others to be nice to each other too.

but man is driven by his wants too. haha. personal wants, i shld sae.

how confusing. how confusing. am i supposed to? or not supposed to? this is pissing, esp when i'm super tired today. den still gotta settle some shitty psc admin nonsense... really. maybe i shld start getting used to it. as wif any other slacker, i hate setbacks. sure, they hav slapped me in the face 70 times 7 times, but i still hate getting slapped.

it's k, bible will tell me to forgive them 70 times 7 times also. hence, i shldn't get too worked up isn't it?

--------------------

weirdly, i can stay awake just to hear u breathing, watch u smile while u are dreaming blah blah. weird. i dun want to miss a thing? paradox. if u focus on something just because u dun want to miss it, u will miss another thing. too bad. opp costs, blah blah. stewpit.

2010-12-13T20:53:00.002+08:00

asdf.

really, really. we hav to face all these shit apparently. there is no way out. i will hope there is.

2010-12-10T20:54:00.003+08:00

the stars may shine on me.

but shld i believe the stars?

the three kings of orient followed the stars, and they found jesus, and they worshipped him wif myrrh and frankincense. that's good. last time, travellers followed certain celestial bodies, constellations, such as the north star and etc. and they arrived at where they wanted to. that's good.

but remember, last time, travellers died too. WHY? precisely they followed the wrong stars. that's why i ask, shld i read the stars? of course i'm not superstitious, i dun follow horoscope, i dun follow astrology. stars = signs. really, are these signs true, or are they pseudo-signs? haha.

how overt a sign must be before it is one? we can't define it. but some ppl hav good instincts, they lived on instinct without any academic knowledge, and some go on to become billionaires. haha. why? they know how to follow signs.

i shld learn to read my stars too

2010-12-08T22:55:00.002+08:00

i tell myself one more time, to carry on.

so what is hindering me? human tendencies. sure, the rational way to do things is clear - don't regret. once u regret, it may breed remorse, and it comes around to more regret. and the chain starts again in a slippery spiral into nowhere. thus, the clever, pragmatic way is not to regret. just learn from the past, live in the present, prepare for the future, and do the best u can wif ur current knowledge and experiences.

so why are we regretting time and time again, especially me? it's human to do so. we regret, because its our conscious and emotional reaction to some past acts with perceived or real negative consequences. we want to say sorry, we want to make it up for whatever misdeeds, perceived or actual, we have done.

but what if, we regret, and we can't do anything about it? 无奈。so maybe a hokkien song says it very well. 若无彼日的熟悉，心头也不这无奈. hmm, i seem to be digressing to what i have in mind. but unfortunately, i dun think i am being responsible about being explicit about it. hence, i have to type in a circumlocutory manner. in any case, we shldn't wander in a state of remorse. sure, guilt may overwhelm you, but question urself, have u really violated a moral code of conduct? pardon me being chauvinistic. but i dun tink i violated a moral code of conduct. so wad shit regret am i feeling?

hence, maybe i'm still sane. HAHA.

2010-12-03T21:38:00.003+08:00

wad is wrong?

the moon is affecting my bloody hormonal levels. at least, it is a contributing factor. idiotic. an influx of thoughts and emotion and feelings and some past events, not easy to handle at 1 go. and considering i hav some deadlines to meet, and a relatively packed schedule, it is sian.

well, maybe i shld juz sleep for 1 day, everything may be fine.

2010-12-02T23:06:00.002+08:00

my body is facing a rise in certain chemical levels. i can overtly feel it.

it is the tempt again. but this time it's a confusion as well. i do not know whether is it a fall in serotonin or a rise in its levels. neither do i know it is a craving for epinephrine and similar substances, or that its levels are on the rise as well.

and this convoluted top 2 paragraphs proves it all. i'm feeling a little confused isn't it. this is messy....

Tommy Jones with another 300. 2009.

2010-11-30T20:52:00.000+08:00

all men are equal, some are more equal than others.

2010-11-30T20:50:00.000+08:00

well well.

they way different people see things are different. esp for different genders. seriously. different way people see u. this is one strata.

another strata: wealth

yet another: education...

and another........

2010-11-25T16:44:00.001+08:00

just like many, i'm sitting in front of the com.

but unlike some, i reckon, i've been going out for sport stuff.

interesting, i do not really hav a great antipathy for computer games. but they dun seem to get me too damn attracted. sports do. maybe the sports i play all nid to like pay money one, and the barrier set up seems like some sort of a hindrance to my full enjoyment, and hence there is some sort of withdrawal symptoms.

2010-11-24T19:29:00.005+08:00

this will be a highly nebulous discussion.

i contend that men think wif their penis, women think wif their heart, and assholes think wif their brain. let me dissect and expound on this bit by bit.

last part 1st then, assholes think wif their brain. why? crudely put, when u shit voluntarily, i mean u will hav the peristaltic urge 1st, and u're gonna find somewhere to egest. so it's like, shit must still come out. so similarly, out of assholes or i mean people who behave this way, only shit comes out of them. also u c, why think wif their brain? see, if u nid to shit, u can either control, or let it come out now. isn't it? so for them, these assholes control when they're gonna giv u some shiet. isn't it. hence they think wif their brain, they create nice heinous plans to giv shit to others.

why men think wif their penis? this is already crude, but when i sae this, i'm trying to sae this is the instinct of men. generally, it's about how to portray urself wonderfully in front of others for wadeva aims. they will do anyting for it, to satisfy this wadeva urge to get something. hence many a time we see impulsive stuff done by men. a blunt example - let's sae a guy meets a rather attractive girl. immediately, he asks this girl to go out, or gives the girl the hp no. or treat the girl sth. this has happened often enuff as ppl, not only me, hav observed. in this case, the urge is to get this person as some life partner, albeit too quickly. unfortunately a considerable proportion of ppl dun really like such a situation. an overgeneralisation as an example - we hear very ambitious goals coming from guys, world records, wadeva. many are by men. by far, men chiong their urges more than women, at least imo which can be fallacious. hence i'd sae men think wif their penis.

next i sae, women think wif their heart. this is gonna be something towards positive. i tink most women are nice. they dun seem to harbour much hatred or sth. they seem to do more tings wif less vested interests. and from wad i noe of evolutionary stuff, apparently women hav this maternal instinct. and i tink that's a fat plus point. they make a better leader because of that. sure, they may not hav a super ambitious vision. but then there is marginally more meticulousness and they seem to bother more about the feelings of ppl. i tink that's good. women think wif their heart. moreover, they seem to be 注重 things like relationships wif others more than something material. one example - a wife who has a husband who cheats on her is more often to not divorce this guy. while a guy immediately divorces his wife when the wife cheats on him. isn't it? u may say this is weakness, women too bothered about such stuff. but i tell u, which u wan - some tangible achievement? or an intangible connection wif another person which lasts? ok abit random, but really, it is a good thing that most women think wif their heart, and not their sex organs totally.

as an anti-climax, i always have my disclaimer. which is that u shld attack any of the points raised for fallacies or myopia or wadeva it is. some tings hav led to a culmination of this idea. haha

2010-11-18T21:05:00.002+08:00

i have a vase, i gotta hold it and walk a little distance then nid to put it on the floor.

ppl have told me, if i drop it from a certain height, the vase will break. i mean, it's fragile, duh, it'll break. so maybe i've dropped a few vases due to mistakes and carelessness and tripping. so i'm not supposed to drop it again or do sth wif the vase.

so it come a day, maybe i make another mistake and dropped another vase, which may be more expensive or more cheap. so wad shld i do if i kip dropping vases?

meaning, if u find u are making the same mistakes a little too often, how would u solve the problem? haha. is it because, u're not careful and trip over sth? OR shld u sae u kip walking on slippery areas, soapy areas, lots of obstacles on the road?

not easy to come to a conclusion eh. i tink there can be parallel scenarios when this happen. i reckon many books hav come to explain how to get ourselves out of making mistakes. confucius sae, man who makes a mistake and does not correct it is making another mistake. really? wad if all these mistakes are not due to u not correcting it, and instead it's environmental and a little too often poisson occurences?

it's not good to question the onus of these tings. but well, let us minimize the chances by hook or by crook.

2010-11-10T20:13:00.002+08:00

whenever i heard the bourgeois and proletariat talk about psle, streaming, o level, a level, it resonates crazily in my head.

idiotic.

true, they call me upper class. but i'm feeling sick. do we need to stratify ourselves by education level? once again, does education decide our strata, decide whether we are more worthy a human? if u say yes, haha. maybe u're beyond repair.

say that i'm idealistic, dreamy, having lofty ideals. but this is really a cause for consternation. of course i shldn't forget the reality: 钱不是万能的，但是没钱，万万不能。 sure, in here, we need a certain level of education to get a decent or even minimal standard of living so that we're not hungry and so that we don't roam the dustbins for food.

but i think the divide between education levels has been too exacerbated. we need to fix it. i wldn't dare say i'm a full progressive, neither am i a conservative. but it seems a reform is required IF we don't want things to stay this way. if the consensus is on this stratified way of life, den, haha, i'm fine wif it. i rather have an invisible strata where ppl appreciate each other for their roles in the society, over an overt one where ppl lament or despise each other over their different educational attainment.

2010-11-09T23:22:00.001+08:00

do u believe?

i wldn't mind. but of course, dun be stupid. HAHA. i definitely won't, but i'm hoping not to be affected by stuff yer noe. looks like i better go and regain some vitality.

2010-11-04T21:21:00.002+08:00

idiotic.

sure, we do love constructive criticism. that's the embracing attitude of a progressivist. but i have a qn: wad do u do when criticism turns into personal attacks and incendiary remarks which engenders animosity? seriously. maybe we shld turn violent to such situations.

another situation. one may see an orchid and a tall tree in some sort of a symbiotic relationship. sorry, as far as my knowledge of nature goes, the orchid is a parasite. so, if one perceives symbiosis with a fellow friend, must this other friend feel that it is symbiotic? what if this friend feels that it's a parasitic one rather than a inter-dependent one? haha.

for one, i'm clear in this case, once one would kick the orchid out of the system, the tree would continue growing, while the orchid with no sunlight and a nice place to sap nutrients from shall gg.

2010-11-03T22:45:00.003+08:00

很想和你再去吹吹风，去吹吹风，风会带走一切短占的轻松。

i'm looking forward to someday, someway. haha. when i probably find sth that i demand, something that wld provide my needs, and sth that drops from the sky just for me. that, is called a good dream.

but in any case, i'm supposed to be working hard now. but i hav a fat qn. does it mean, if i dun perform, i am a lousier human, less worthy? or even, does it make me a lesser human, an undeserving child? i'm not so sure u know, but the ppl around us do give us some sort of a barometric reading for what they see in us. and this is sick.

as i like to sae, ed attainment unfortunately means status. it's sick. i wld hav hoped i never had such great results. but that'll be irresponsible. by the same token, if this happens, i probably will be prohibited from doing wad i want.

2010-10-31T19:24:00.001+08:00

maybe i've succeeded, maybe u're better off having a sick impression of me. haha

maybe it's better for me too? haha i dunno totally. but hu cares, let's see wad's ahead of me in the near future. as keynes said, in the long run we're all dead.

2010-10-30T21:51:00.003+08:00

a catharsis. after coming one round, i feel something. i feel ashamed of my good results.

for a few main points. to begin with, let's analyse from the very basic how i got the good results. in our dear education system, yes it's great for building considerably firm foundations in any topic. but sorry, even though i got good results, i really feel ashamed of it. why? i can safely tell u, even if i can score high marks, i know shit about them. i know less than another person getting d or e in a science maybe. case in point physics. sure i can do a calculation 20 times faster than others. but do i know the underlying meaning behind it? i safely tell u, at least 70% of the time i know shit about it. but ppl getting d and e can tell me the actual meaning. seriously. i feel damn ashamed of myself, i'm juz a marks jerker. i succeed in the freakin education system, but i know shit if u wanna go super esoteric.

in addition, let's bring in stuff which are not so arithmetic. let's bring in the analytical and critical thinking in languages, social sciences etc. even worse. sure i know the econs knowledge. i will never be able to give u an idea that is super out of the box. in world issues, sure i may know some pertinent points, evaluations, suggest u some methods to improve the situation or have an amicable discussion. but i never seem to be able to give incisive ideas. or even criticisms. my criticism are generally superficial, they touch nothing deep. sure, i potentially can score in gp with all these knowledge applied properly. but once again, it's shit, i do not feel proud of it because it's so bourgeois and robotic and methodic. any idiot when taught to do it will do as well as me. i'm juz an idiot seriously. wad's there to be proud of? instead, i shld b ashamed of myself to say that i potentially can do well. thus, although i hav generally good results, i'd sae i'm ashamed of myself.

moreover, when i touch on the idiot smart normal thing, it brings me to perceived values. sure, my "educational attainment" gives me an arbitrary value in society. i am called smart by certain ppl. and really, although i'm happy about being smart, i do not feel extremely glorious. sure, i gloat many a time about my greatness in getting good marks. ppl call me smart, clever, will succeed next time. there's a value assigned to me, that i will become successful. and this value assigned to me, i'm damned ashamed of it. really, do i deserve it? u tell me, u hav a lousier result than me, are u less human than me? NO. does a better result make me any a better person than u? NO. seriously, so why call myself smart? and let's question the assumption that i will be successful - do u really think i will be? and so what if i am? really. so what if i am successful? i am still a part of a community, a society, a country, a world. i am no different from another beggar on the street, i am not of greater worth. i feel ashamed to bask in the glory of my great results. i shldn't be doing that totally.

more. i am ashamed that i hav not gotten the momentum and the best ability to be able to use all these good results to ameliorate other's situation. i'm down here, trying to augment my wealth of knowledge, when obviously there are many who need the results more than me. this is 无奈. haha. yea, wadeva, they say i'm erudite man, go and contribute to society. i feel ashamed that i do not hav that FULL drive to help society overtly. even covertly. to add on, i am so ashamed, desired outcomes of education (DOE) for pre-uni students, one of them is for a student to be socially responsible. seriously, after getting over so long education, i really feel i'm so lousy, i do not harbour and embrace the ideas of being socially responsible; worse i advocate every man for himself. wad the shit. i'm really ashamed, all these years of education and making frens, i still harbour such anti-civilisation and primitive ideas, that shld be phased out by generally inclusive society here. i apparently, hav not got the good moral values in me. i don't know. maybe i ought to be ashamed i'm not practising certain of these good moral values though i know of them somewhere somewhere.

pen-ultimate conclusion: maybe i shld juz go fail all tests from now on, and walk on the streets. haha. then maybe i won't become ashamed, and another person will become ashamed of themselves for not donating food to me. HAHA and this is shooting myself in the foot, in fact in the head - i ought to be even more ashamed of such an idea.

ultimately: if i didn't study all these issues, i won't be ashamed of myself running the race of accruing status and climbing the societal status ladder. which is better? to be cognizant of such ideas, or ignorance is bliss? maybe i'm right and should be ashamed of myself and my good results, when i may not hav deserved all the "positive" remarks and projections of me, as well as the fact that i'm so damn apathetic to others.

2010-10-28T21:37:00.002+08:00

let's see.

superficially analysing, it is quite apparent that assiduity does not pay off all the time bah. haha, sometimes do the wrong ting for many many times, will not bring u to great heights. it may bring u higher, but not to the level of greatness.

of course, some cursory methods can suffice at times. but it doesn't mean they are forever dependable. thus, diligently do something which is deemed correct instead of a dangerous stunt or not so viable idea.

2010-10-25T21:38:00.002+08:00

it is claimed that success and ruthlessness have a correlation.

if one were ruthless, one would carry out rational goals for one's self-interest without any care or compassion for others. and it may include brutal and aggressive means to achieve them. so in certain areas, ruthlessness may be an element of success, to eliminate all opposition to one's greed and self-benefit.

question would be how compassionate must u be then? haha. if compassion's really useless, then tell me why nice guys can be in top jobs.

looks like it boils down to finding the golden balance or ratio again.

2010-10-24T13:37:00.002+08:00

你已征服了我，却还不属于我，叫我如何不去猜测你在想什么？

really, if this were to continue, i shall do attitude changing method. and everyting's fine. haha. i have many back up plans, and i think i really hav to activate them in lieu of upcoming, life-deciding exams.

and of course, i hav back up plans, juz like why i throw a back up ball, even if i gonna suck in the life-deciding exam. haha... wif psle certifications, it won't be easy, but there's methods.

2010-10-23T13:11:00.002+08:00

now, i have no idea where my ca is in. but any case, i'll help in any way i can.

or maybe i juz hav one useless ca. which little people will value. let's see if a miracle would ensue. it probably wun. i maybe nid a irrational session.

2010-10-18T22:45:00.000+08:00

sick. totally.

i conclude, karma may be wrong. haha.

2010-10-12T22:46:00.002+08:00

有爱就有恨，或多或少。。。

i've never enjoyed feeling this way, but it seems maybe this will go on for a while.

it is hard to ameliorate the situation, hu cares, i shall work towards it. anyways i hope u're cognizant of the happenings and the realities. i'm sorry, but it's too late to apologise!!! totally. aww.

2010-10-09T08:14:00.003+08:00

difficult to moderate my gp by my understanding. i conclude i am a victim of the system too.

sadly, we students have really forgotten that studying is about the enjoyment and satisfaction of getting new knowledge. this problems stems from top down: gov't want to produce worker for economy, school wan to produce results. and thus, we're here, bothered about results. hav our school taught us to enjoy knowledge DIRECTLY? obviously not. the top people do not emphasise that we shld enjoy learning. or at least it's not even in the most arcane of my memories. so u see, therefore, i am here complaining my 1 subject results sucks like shit. understand? if i wasn't in such an environment, i'd be like never mind, never mind, relax.

but nvm. in people's eyes, i thrive in the system. but unfortunately, i am still a victim of the system for not performing in 1 subject. if this happens for a level, i wun b surprised uni doesn't want me unless i pay. scholarships probably can't get. conclusion, if this happens for a level, i will not touch the high end jobs in singapore which require academic qualifications explicitly anymore. i'd invest myself in a sport or music.

yea and i juz remembered, my world comes crashing down thanks to many factors too. i do not blame them for doing so. but i do hope that they'd bother minimalistically about people around them too.

2010-10-08T21:27:00.003+08:00

my utility is scarcely satisfied.

and i'm quite aware that's because my priorities are somewhat off track from a rational student. but is there anything wrong wif having differing priorities? i dun think so. but apparently, people around me probably wun help me achieve the utility that i desire too. wad course of action do i hav? apparently, to change my views, or to coerce or force people to acquiesce with me.

and the latter is obviously not the morally and socially right thing to do. thus it seems, i shld juz adopt a minimalistic approach and juz fulfill the bottom 2 needs in the maslow's hierachy of needs bah. doesn't matter anyway, it doesn't bother my survival.

i'm deeply dissatisfied with the level of thinking people have as to certain topics, and their sensitivity to people of different minds and philosophies. really, stop expecting highly sociable people to be around you.

2010-10-07T20:35:00.002+08:00

nothing really eventful. today can be an exemplification of the typical-ness of another day.

so basically got lesson, sat down wif clsmates, den sat down wif clsmates, den play ball wif clsmates, den see teacher, mug, now i'm in front of the com waiting for my 10pm show. but as usual, there are some random ideas.

we are told, if we dun stand out, it is not true that no one notices us. similarly, if we try to stand out, we'd either not be noticed OR be noticed for the wrong reasons. hmm. it's the typical paradox - sometimes, solutions come naturally when we do not desperately seek them. the corollary would be that solutions are hard to find when we need them. and many other cases related.

but one should be aware that there are cases where doing an action A necessarily leads to a result B to some extent. if we are able to master which course of action to take at the right points of time, i guess it's a great thing.

2010-10-03T21:39:00.002+08:00

what is one's worth measured by?

through my life, i hav been in doubt of my worth. why? people hav tried to explicitly or implicitly measured me, and once i'm conscious, i'd ask myself. so really, how to measure one's worth? what in fact is one's worth?

many a time we see people judging a person using: level of educational attainment. isn't it? heh. inherently, we link ur educational attainment to status, in one way or another. rather unavoidable. i've tried to prove myself wrong, but it goes in circles, we tend to judge people due to educational attainment here. generally, education = hardworker/achiever/will benefit in a (exam-)meritocratic system = money flowing into one's bank and pockets = status = security.

abit fallacious. but it happens.

but of course, there's something wrong. is that really one's worth?

have we forgotten one's real self-fulfillment and self-actualization? if i went through schooling, but am taught nothing and have not learnt how to really learn and enjoy learning instead of the money, am i really educated? is making money equal to one's worth?

i'd say i'm worth nothing, if i have no awareness of myself as a unit of the society and if i'm not kind to others. if i do become a money-churning machine, and a status-seeking despo and anything along that line, i guess i'm as good as a defective, selfish idiot sucking money away from others.

2010-10-02T20:24:00.002+08:00

desired aims of education of singapore are rather obvious. feed the economy with skilled labourers, or if i am allowed to put it a little more crudely, coolies.

has singapore missed the point? largely, i'd guess. we have become too result-oriented. we are focusing on the numbers, the statistics. there is an inherent notion in schools that success is equal to academic success. we are trying to shift towards less tests and exams and more focus on class participation and project work, but it does not help ameliorate the situation - we are still grade-oriented. students are abetted and obliged to score, and to think that education brings status.

status. arbitrary as it may sound, but unfortunately, with education brings about some sort of a status. why do people sweep the streets? they have no education. how do people get into the government? they are educated, whatever the means may be. is education really about this potential status that one will get? does a better education separate oneself from the bourgeois?

looks like, we have forgotten how to enjoy learning. A youth who had begun to read geometry with Euclid, when he had learnt the first proposition, inquired, "What do I get by learning these things?" So Euclid called a slave and said "Give him three pence, since he must make a gain out of what he learns." question: do we enjoy what we learn? or are we juz put in somewhere, forced to learn something? are we appreciating what we are learning, or what we have learnt? i guess so.

s'pore has forgotten to get students to love what they are learning. we are required and obliged to learn both the arithmetic and the aesthetic, but we may not like any of them. den what is the point of learning? to get oneself a job. alright, fine, to get a job. but i feel that we have not had enough emphasis on the importance of enjoying education. and how does this arise? results-driven system. by my observation, whether skewed or not, it seems that one would tend to enjoy a subject he would score a high mark in, than one that he wants to read but can't get past the scoring system easily enough.

i muz say, i'm lucky. i generally enjoy what i am reading now, not because of the result, but i do find some flair in me in the subjects i am reading.

and it seems like the supposed elites in the system, may not even be an elite. tell me, how many hc students bought their way in? HAHA. it's a great joke. that aside, we can't do much, i dun tink a school will want to expel a student due to poor results. but such vested interests, they really take away the opportunity to groom a real talent than some sort of a white horse. isn't it?

in the same circuitous and slipshod manner, i shall try to describe the "leadership" that is being taught in schools here. how about, giving power to someone who has great academic ability, so that he can win a president scholarship? heh. or sometimes, giving authority to someone due to popularity? maybe yer noe. it's hard to groom a person with true leadership qualities, in fact, if i'm to be unfair, i'd say leadership qualities are congenital. what our education system is doing is somewhat right, to provide opportunities to test whether one has leadership. BUT we forget that, there's some "consequences": a person in a leadership position is presumed to have leadership qualities. and the leadership position adds on to one's resume. and makes the person seem as if he has leadership qualities. when in fact, he may have none of it. that's a potential danger.

i have spent no effort in trying to buttress the above rambling by organising them properly. in any case, now i juz hav to get around the education system. utilitarian as it may sound, but our education system is really great for an intellectual discussion and analysis, and i guess it brings great pleasure for me to talk about its pros and cons.

i just hope, our future generations will not need to learn a diversity of abstruse concepts which they will not be interested in, or will not be applicable to them in their lives. instead, i hope their education allows them to live their lives happily.

2010-09-29T10:49:00.001+08:00

i may not know why such things are happening. i may not know what you think, feel, perceive. wadeva happens, heh. i'm not so sure. but there's some things i'm sure of.

2010-09-25T23:14:00.002+08:00

if i increased my mean and variance by 0.0001, i guess it's still an increase. (assuming that 0.0001 is insignificant to my initial mean and variance)

2010-09-25T21:37:00.002+08:00

all evidence has led to me rejecting the null hypothesis.

but do all these evidence matter to me? do all these ppl hu make accusations matter to me? do their opinions have weight? maybe.

in fact, maybe. i tink some ppl hav been screwing around with me. although this is my biased pov, let's put it this way. if they screw around wif me, even if i want to act normally, i will not be able to act normally. by virtue of the fact that they paint a certain picture of me in front of different people, even if i am myself, heh, i will juz be a screwed person in their opinion.

but am i right to conclude this way? i wonder, seriously. for one, most ppl will see me as stable, potentially successful. but there are the other group, hu will sae i am a lousy person, the way i behave needs improvement. fine, my character needs improvement. but for one, teach me how. HAHA. and by virtue of the fact that u claim my character needs improvement, u are trying to say my parents hav sucked in teaching me. maybe that's true. den, dun scold me. seriously, go scold my parents for giving me a lousy upbringing. which is exactly what i want to show here isn't it? HAHA

the more i ramble, the more people will tink i am lousy. isn't that the point? come, juz think this way. perceive it so. i'm fine wif it. because some of u, u all are juz nice on the surface, shit inside. there are enough examples of people who behave like shit on the surface, in their hearts they are nice people. and of course, there are enough examples of the opposite. and it is in my skewed belief that many people follow that rule. people behaving shittily probably are nice people, people behaving like angels usually hav evil intents and vested interests.

and i hope people are not blind, and i believe people are not blind. they shld be able to discern. so why am i so frustrated? why should i be bothered? HAHA. i wonder.... hahahahahahaha.

2010-09-25T09:25:00.001+08:00

disappointed, distressed, pessmistic for the moment. disappointing turn of events. getting abit lost in the troubles, getting obsessed by material things.

this is not good. it's time to find a way out, even if i may not find one.

2010-09-24T18:19:00.003+08:00

the below taken from hereisthenews.blogspot.com

Sep 17, 2010
Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew commented on Malaysian politics in an interview with The New York Times' Seth Mydans. We carry today excerpts from Malaysian press reactions to his remarks.

-----------------------
Of wise men & strongmen
By Tan Poh Kheng

LEE Kuan Yew and Mahathir Mohamad are strongmen, having led their countries for 31 and 22 years, respectively.

Mr Lee passed the baton to his successor in 1990 but remains active as Minister Mentor. Tun Dr Mahathir stepped down suddenly in 2003 and has been outspoken although he holds no official post.

The two strongmen are in their 80s but still wield immense influence in their respective countries and are not to be dismissed lightly.

Mr Lee's criticisms of Malaysian politics may anger some, but Malaysian politicians, including Dr Mahathir, should learn from his attitude towards race and religion.

In a recent interview with The New York Times, Mr Lee said Singapore could 'go looser' on various matters, but 'not race, language and religion'. If Singapore switched to racial politics, he warned, it is finished.

Singapore Chinese 'will not as a majority squeeze the minority... We made quite sure whatever your race, language or religion, you are an equal citizen'.

It is clear that Singapore's economic success and cohesive society are not the results of chance.

As a former prime minister, Dr Mahathir has failed to use his special status to promote national unity. He has stirred controversies and given the government trouble by criticising the policies of his successors, Tun Abdullah Badawi and Datuk Seri Najib Razak.

A recent example was Dr Mahathir's criticism of Umno for disassociating itself from the Malay rights group Perkasa, a move which he said would lead to Umno losing Malay votes.

Dr Mahathir's words have gone beyond those of a long-winded retiree seeking the limelight. His conduct in the past seven years has exposed his deep-rooted racism.

His speech, at the general assembly of Perkasa, slamming Prime Minister Najib's '1Malaysia' concept smacked of racism, disappointing people who had respected him.

Even the Minister in the Prime Minister's Department Nazri Aziz has run out of patience with Dr Mahathir and has blasted him for being inconsistent. It is clear that Dr Mahathir has torn apart racial harmony and hurt Umno as well.

A strongman has to step down one day but a wise person will maintain his integrity into his later years. Who may that wise person be: Mr Lee or Dr Mahathir?

This article appeared in Malaysia's Chinese newspaper Sin Chew Daily on Wednesday. Translated by Ho Cheeng Cheeng.

---------------------------------------

Singapore 'should emulate Malaysia'
By Tan Melaka

MINISTER Mentor Lee Kuan Yew has repeated his criticism of Malaysia's political system, saying it marginalises non-Malays by providing Malays with a special position.

Mr Lee is 87 years old while his wife, who is 89, can no longer speak after a stroke two years ago. But he appears to still harbour a grudge over his failure to plant the idea of a Malaysian Malaysia in Malaysia more than 40 years ago.

That idea was eliminated with the ouster of Singapore from Malaysia but it appears to have blossomed again after the General Election of 2008 gave a new lease of life to the Democratic Action Party (DAP) which inherited the Malaysian Malaysia idea. In fact, it's an idea that is marching ahead with the DAP having obtained Malay opposition parties' support.

Umno Youth Chief Khairy Jamaluddin aptly said Mr Lee's statement was inflammatory as it was like adding fuel to the fires of racism. Mr Lee's statement can fan the anger of Chinese Malaysians who are beginning to see 1Malaysia as Malaysian Malaysia.

Yet, based on articles in newspapers in Singapore and abroad, it appears that the social justice that Mr Lee claims to practise cannot be felt by the new generation of Singaporeans. They feel they are oppressed, especially since they see the freedom enjoyed by their closest neighbour, Malaysia. Malaysians are free to express their dissatisfaction, and can even poke fun at their national anthem!

Singaporeans have for decades lived in fear of acting or speaking. In some cases, they are not free to practise their religion. For example, incense burning is not allowed in HDB estates, while the call to prayer (azan) of mosques cannot be loud.

Mr Lee has not given young Singaporeans what Malaysia has given its young - the air of freedom. In an interview with Seth Mydans of The New York Times recently, Mr Lee rejected the new generation's demands for political openness, saying it could open the door to racial politics. But young Singaporeans do not believe in that doctrine. They are struggling in silence against the authoritarian social controls, and will do so more openly when Mr Lee is no longer in control. Meanwhile, they need moral support, especially from abroad.

Umno Youth should actually sympathise with the new generation of Singaporeans, and help them create a new Singapore that can breathe the air of freedom and democracy. At present, Singapore is a developed country with a Third World democracy.

At least in this case, Singapore should emulate Malaysia.

This article appeared in Malay daily Utusan Malaysia yesterday. Translated by Carolyn Hong.
-------------------------------------

Glory of the Great Harmony
By Lu Pinqiang

I AM not a follower of Singapore's Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew. Yet I deeply admire this statesman for his great foresight and the pragmatic ways in which he ran his country.

Earlier this month, at the ripe old age of 87, Mr Lee gave an interview to The New York Times. In it, he expressed his concerns that young Singaporeans were calling for open political debate, among other things.

He feared that the young in Singapore believe the country's achievements have come about naturally, so they can now do as they please. Mr Lee affirmed that Singapore could never be put on autopilot.

An example he gave was that each and every HDB block cannot have more than a certain percentage of Chinese, Malays or Indians. This was to make sure that all the races integrated well.

Singapore does not permit segregation or any mutual suspicion to emerge between the various races, as this is the most self-destructive thing any country can do to itself.

Not only that, it forbids the majority race from oppressing the minorities, while ensuring that all citizens are treated equally, regardless of their race, language or religion.

This is the most important aspect of national unity that the Singapore Government has been trying to instil in its people.

We can see that the second and third generations of Singapore leaders that came after Mr Lee abide by the Confucian principle of 'Great Harmony', one in which everyone is treated equally and there is mutual trust between the people.

Among all the multiracial countries in the world, Singapore's successful example is the best model for everyone to emulate.

Leaders of countries should all lead by example, be a role model to others, and promote the spirit of 'Great Harmony'. Then, the people would be of one mind with the government and would cherish peace and reject extremist views.

They would also oppose racism and sweep aside those who call on members of certain ethnic groups to 'go back to their homelands' - as happened in Malaysia recently - while working unceasingly to achieve the Confucian ideal of the 'Glory of the Great Harmony'.

The 'Glory of the Great Harmony' is the only path to achieving peace that would last eternally.

This commentary appeared in Malaysia's Chinese newspaper Sin Chew Daily on Wednesday. Translated by Terence Tan.

------------------------------------

What are his motives?
By Zaini Hassan

I WAS very interested to read the Temasek Review website. It is very critical of the Singapore Government, its ruling party, and especially Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew, 87.

There was an entry about how Mr Lee had offered permanent residency and citizenship to foreign talent, especially citizens of the People's Republic of China.

His strategy was perhaps to ensure Chinese control of Singapore and also to boost the Indian population of the Republic. Maybe he was planning to ensure that the Chinese in the People's Action Party (PAP) continue to control the island forever.

It is the same as what was done during former Malaysian prime minister Tunku Abdul Rahman's time, when he bestowed unconditional citizenship on more than a million Chinese and Indians.

The political situation in Malaysia is changing. The control of power by the Malays is being increasingly eroded. This is very good for Singapore.

In Malaysia, Malays control the government (so far), but in Singapore, it is the Chinese. There are also some Indians who are given high positions, above the Malays.

But what about the Malays in Singapore? The Singapore Government always cites meritocracy. The argument is that if the Malays are not qualified, they are not fit to hold certain offices, and therefore they are not being marginalised.

The truth is that in Malaysia, the Chinese dominate everything. The Malaysian Chinese are not interested in participating in government because they are successful in the private sector.

If we read the Temasek Review, we will find that Singapore is not what we think it is, or what the Democratic Action Party (DAP) and other opposition parties in Malaysia assume it is.

There is opposition towards the PAP Government, especially over its fondness for playing with Chinese sentiment and racism.

Reading Mr Lee's interview with The New York Times, we are not sure what his motives are by talking about his sadness over the separation of Malaysia and Singapore.

Everyone knows he is a great strategist. The question is, does he harbour ambitions of seeing Malaysia and Singapore reunited? This is not impossible. If the DAP and its allies gain control of Malaysia, the two countries could re-merge.

Then, Singapore will become Singapore Raya (Greater Singapore).

This article appeared in the Malay daily Utusan Malaysia on Wednesday. Translated by Hazlin Hassan.

---------------------------

now great question. i hate being some sort of a biased freak but do u see a disparity in the level of argument? heh

allow me the idiot, to give a critical assholic view of the situation. 1st and 3rd writer, although people will sae promoting harmony and quite in line wif my views, i'd sae actually abit restating something obvious sia. but of course a little bit of input there la, like some sarcasm employed by 1st writer, 3rd writer for highlighting the important thing that racial segregation is dangerous.

but take a look at 2nd and 4th writer. put it this way, imo they seem to hav quite some logical leaps in their arguments, centred on some cynicism and pessimism of s'pore. it's generally fine, but i was rather irritated by some misconceptions. e.g. 2nd writer sae that democracy = can poke fun at national anthem along that line (here feels real wrong i mean democracy doesn't mean u shld do anyting and everything heh), and he feel that should hav racial politics. therein lies a very standard qn, free politics or social stability? personally i'd choose the latter, others may still choose free politics though.

4th writer, 1st line very interesting. why should he believe temasek review? HAHA. it seem to show that he's bent on criticising the s'pore gov't, he overtly showed his intentions. and there is a fat extreme and not very based assertion in last line, talking about singapore raya. is it easily possible to make singapore raya? plz man... if china can't even get spratly islands in the short run, what makes singapore raya possible? put it this way, s'pore land size smaller than malaysia. malaysia has like about 28 million inhabitants, and it's freakin gov't controlled. is it so easy to collude and get it into s'pore? and do ppl even want it? personally i'd sae lousy idea to do so.

well that's about my myopic comments, feel free to hav some input too

2010-09-24T15:56:00.002+08:00

muz destroy inner demons. looks like jealousy is consuming people, greed is also consuming people around me a within me.

as i may hav discussed, some things that drive/motivate human action will be greed and jealousy. they seem to like to work hand in hand. being jealous of someone may lead u to covet what he has, in certain situations. let's say, someone has a lot of money. i am jealous he has greater purchasing power over me, he can buy more bowling ball, can buy more food. thus, i will become greedy, i will go and earn more money to match him out of jealousy, and in desperate cases, i may even steal from him out of greed, which stemmed from jealousy.

hmm. not a good example, abit of logical leaps. but about there la. so i tink we needa beware ourselves. cannot fall into the trap. although i fall into it considerably often enough.

Everytime-Simple Plan Lyrics

2010-09-21T21:53:00.000+08:00

nice simple plan song. bg abit bright though haha

2010-09-21T12:49:00.002+08:00

feel. this word is very arbitrary.

where does it apply? where i've come in contact and that i can recall for now, 2 places, namely in a game or sport, and in interaction with others.

even though arbitrary, it seems that it is an important element of success, and it seem that u cannot cultivate or hone ur feel to a very high level. it can be improved, but it can never achieve the standard of an "innate" feel. let's say, person A has feel for person B. person B claims to have no feel for person A. person B may choose to build up some sort of a feeling for person A. but this feeling is not as strong as that of, if hypothetically, person B is interested in a person C that sort of a feeling. or that person B juz can't build up that feel for the person A.

that was very incoherent, but there is half a parallel to sport. sport is not animate, but it does have some resemblance to such a situation. suppose person A is really interested in soccer. train everyday. but unfortunately, he is not technically gifted. sure, he may train 1st touch and juggling etc to improve dribbling and ball control. but he will never attain the standard that a pro may have and some may attribute it to lack of feel. maybe for example because person A is not able to anticipate certain situations well or is not able to be creative on chances.

but the qn is, so does feel define ur level of success and attainment? i'm not so sure. i may respect such a person A for being able to persevere in training. but wad we see is that he cannot be able to perform at a desired level for a lack of innate ability. also, the person A is not able to win over person B due to again a lack of feel. so our level of success determined by feel?

i don't know. but for one, i do know, we have put in effort, we should not have regrets. as a certain teacher say, marks don't define you, even if u failed u are not a failure. so we may have no feel, but if we have tried to do sth about it in an area which we do not hav a comparative advantage in, maybe we shld juz keep in mind that we will never produce real impressive results. instead be realistic and know that we have produced a reasonable result.

2010-09-12T17:58:00.003+08:00

i try to throw the picture out of my mind, wanna leave the memories behind.
here by the ocean, waves carry voices from you...

there's a little unnecessary insecurity and uncertainty within me, in fact maybe it's warranted. but i tink i shall take on the utilitarian POV, juz take a hu cares attitude and go on. i've got tings to do, everyone got their things to do. so why bother so much man.

2010-09-10T22:35:00.001+08:00

well. it's assholic to sae. 2 day miracle for bt2.

how about a 2 day miracle now, for math, for prelim? wad's wif the thank you and goodbye? idiots. so, at least 80% should be a plausible aim. time to brush up on pure, math. idiotic.

2010-09-09T09:06:00.002+08:00

i see, how jilted lovers of another education level behave. it's rather scary, rather shocking, and if i'm allowed to say, disgusting.

well. i have a cantonese song to tell them also though. 放手豁出所有，还有这个好友，已经已经足够. 所谓拿得起放得下。yea not easy. easy to sae nia. but sometimes it's about psychoing urself successfully. if u're able to do so, u're not bad alr. and tink of the benefits of doing so. personally, u'd be taking the next best alternative. but how about societally? if u choose to let go, u're improving social welfare by a considerable amount in fact. so which u choose? a selfish bastard, or take the next best choice for urself but increase social benefits?

therein lies another (not so good example of the) personal-social benefit trade-off situation.

2010-09-08T08:50:00.002+08:00

如果再见是为了再分，失去才算是永恒，一次新的记忆为何还要再生？？
我从来不敢给你任何诺言是因为我知道我们太年轻

but it's ok. 既然爱了就不怨悔，多少的痛我也愿意背，我的爱如潮水，爱如潮水将我想你推紧紧跟随，爱如潮水它将你我包围

being a little optimistic doesn't hurt. but sometimes we need to be realistic. half of the time, the realistic part of life is good, the other part is bad. quite obvious. but why we focus on the bad too much? we shld take the action of weighing all possible outcomes, instead of just thinking one way, either super optimist or super pessimist. thus, people like me go ahead and talk like a half idiot. so u'd say things like, hmm this may happen, i am rather positive this would happen, yer noe, allow room for error. dun sae, this must happen man.

Jeff Chang - 别怕我伤心

2010-09-07T06:40:00.000+08:00

怀念你柔情似水的眼睛，是我天空最美丽的星星。
不知在远方的你是否能感应。

2010-09-04T20:50:00.002+08:00

well i do know from some sources that humans are communal beings.

but i tink i hav faced certain situations where humans become anti-communal. and sometimes humans become this way when they are in a situation where they can build on a certain communal relationship. why so?

i'd guess sometimes rational thought overrides the emotional connection we may seek, or wad we may put it as animal instincts.

for instance, i hav in fact chosen not to associate myself with certain people whom i tink are very self-absorbed and/or self-centred. i know it is not very nice of me to do so, but i'm not sure of the real reason why i'm doing so. i mean these people if you have a personal relationship with them usually won't be bad to u (although i do know some of these are really bad cases, will backstab u at any opportunity). and of course, one can build a good relationship with them, whether friends or some good working relation. but sometimes we choose not to.

and i'd postulate that we do not choose to maintain a candid relationship with them is because we are worried of the"societal" consequences. meaning, if i were to go around with this person, i'd be seen in this light. for example, i don't enjoy hanging around with extremely irresponsible for the very reason that i do not want to be assumed as some irresponsible person. similarly, some people may not want to go around with me because of the fear of being associated as some coffee-drinking, direct remark making person. for the very reason that they being around wif me, will lead to people generalising them as me. ditto for people choosing not to maintain a relationship with someone wif "undesirable" characteristics.

but in light of such selfish considerations, i'd sae: juz go ahead and be associate with them la. that applies to me oso. on the assumption that these people really have no evil intentions to stab u, that's self-explanatory, that person won't do u any harm. and moreover one more friend means one less potential enemy.

so my qn to myself will be, why nid to hide certain dealings i hav wif others under the carpet? quite lame sia. but on the same note, no point "publicising" it. i mean show off for wad? i got alot of dealings and links arh? really sia. if i really had links, i'd be doing business in china and india and africa and drinking money and oil.

2010-09-01T09:29:00.002+08:00

fractionation. i believe i've mentioned this somewhere in my blog long ago.

but it's really fascinating, that one can really become irrational over decisions of others. we're unable to consider logically or economically when faced with certain pressures or when the decision-making process is greatly controlled by a certain factor.

take for example, a drug addict. yes, he may want to quit taking heroin. but the withdrawal symptoms he has from not taking heroin may just override all his rational thoughts of stopping drugs, and "force" him to start drugs again.

but fractionation is even greater power, imo. claims of fractionation and its sucesses: men who are deemed by society to be ugly were able to hook up if i'm not wrong 15 women in 1 month for sex just by fractionating these women. talk about rational minds, heh.

maybe the human mind is really fragile? i dunno. hahahahahah

2010-08-23T21:47:00.002+08:00

the realities of the world - to the discerning/observant, it is quite clear cut. to the apathetic/innocent, life seems good.

need we educate ourselves and have some sense of discernment, or juz believe wad is fed to us? i'm not so sure. for one, by economics analysis, there is opportunity cost to any course of action. which should we have? become discerning then act stupid, or juz see the world through nice rosy views?

of course i know the wide spectrum of views to this. but... juz to bring it up for discussion again nia

2010-08-20T23:00:00.002+08:00

opportunity. when it comes, shld we take it? is it ethical? is it economical? or isit juz another emotional judgement?

there are many factors affecting whether we do take the opportunity up. obviously, as human, as another animal with instincts, we may tend to go along it. but unfortunately, we are aware of ourselves as a part of a bigger society. will our actions affect family/relatives, friends, community, country? we have to take all these into consideration. but the very immediate cost we consider will be our personal opportunity cost.

taking the chance. will we have to give up another? many a time yes. say, i am offered a certain scholarship. if i take it up, i probably will forgo other scholarships which may confirm me a job in a sector i have interest in, and i will of course have to forgo the free time i wld have in slacking, or the time i could spend in indulging in music, sport, books. if i do not take the scholarship, i wld forgo its prestige, the education chance, the subsidy for my education. likewise, other things in life often present us with opportunities. how do we really consider whether we shld grab the chance?

from my personal experiences (which may turn out to be right or opposite thereof), people would tell me, follow your heart. yes, follow your heart is a viable option. but many a time, that is succumbing to our animal instincts. the world is harsh; realities are present. going with our hearts, does not mean going along with the hearts of others, and as important, it does not mean going along with the minds of others. they may have economical considerations, personal problems and opinions to your decision.

herein lies another question to people who ask me to go by my instincts - my instincts have generally driven me to the wrong economic benefit (and for certain situations, societal/communal benefit). shld i then, continue trusting my instincts? if my instincts bring about negative consequences to me and others, is it right/ethical to follow it? well it may still be ethical, i mean i'm not killing anyone, eating cash, forgery. is that the best?

another fundamental question. what is the intrinsic/extrinsic values of the opportunity? again, opportunity costs. say yes, u get it's benefits, and forgo existing benefits. say no, u reap existing benefits, u forgo possible benefits. the uncertain future, as keynes posits, can be strongly manipulated OR affected by businessmen. businessmen's speculations have strong effects on economy - take a look a japan, which i wld consider a prime victim of the lack of business sentiment. stagnating economy, old people. 1 smart man sae, let's go to other asian tigers, get out of aging japan, everybody get out and go to hk, taiwan, s'pore, s korea, indon, india, china. no more FDI to japan.

but of course, if the economy is not strongly affected by I, then u can draw a parallel to USA, maybe france. C and G probably more important there.

similarly, back to a personal opportunity. the parallel i'm tryna show is that, is there a possibility that ur decision has to be based on societal/community views? and what do they deem the opportunity as? or it is juz a standalone, independent personal decision?

obviously, many opportunities wld concern other people. the human factor may dictate our actions. i do not know.

in my utopian world, of course i wld like to choose, and everyone wld go along with my decision, and they do not judge and they wld accept the decision. not that i hate detractors, but i do have a dislike for pessimists. detractors may even be beneficial. but how about, in our lives, we face a whole slurry of detractors and pessimists, ready to shoot us with their guns of righteousness or holier-than-thou attitudes or sometimes, true genius, wisdom and rationalism. aww. brings up the qn. shld we trust others? HAHA

nvm. i'm getting irrational and incoherent.